Alarm rings
Time to wake
mocking birds sing
bringing back memories i cant shake
For every time i close my eyes
All I see is you
That last tug on my shirt as you died
lingers like memories always do
"No wait! Please dont leave me... I cant go on without you.. cant you see... Your my life.. your my heart... please dont die... it'd rip me apart.."
Like a recording playing over and over
Why wont it stop
Its been so long since i was sober
In a store of sorrow i shop
On the last aisle on the right
i Find i picture of you i took
the night before you died
One last look
at the ecstasy of your beauty
Now i close the book
On the future of my life
I pray that soon
ill die
to end the pain
to end the misery
to end this endless walk in the rain
You were all i had
You were my life
You were always there when i was sad
You were the alternative to the self destuctive knife
but now your gone
and so is my smile
now your gone
this time... for more than awhile
All the times they pushed me around
all the times i cried
all the times they pushed me to the ground
you were there to make my sorrow die
But now your gone
and i am alone
now your gone
And my death. not soon enough
can be shone
but soon
ill hold you again
soon
ill keep you warm once again
Soon
A contest entry
- Words falling on deaf ears. by kamikage.
650 points, ended November 15, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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wait...you still have one more day. I forgot - I apologize
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very good
Your beginning really drew me in, nice! I also like the metaphor about the store of sorrow - very original. At this point I would give ideas on how you might want to tweak your poem, but since this is post-contest, I'll just ask a few questions: I notice there are a lot of ideas brought up here that seem to be vague. You say you were sober and someone very close to you died...what happened? "They pushed you around...who are they? However, I love your metaphors and how you presented your emotional sorrow; good job. -
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by "been so long since i was sober" means i basicly found ways to help my mind escape the sorrow. at least for short interavels. and the person dieing.. a couple years ago... long story very short... i fell stronly in love with my best friend. and when it seemd everything was as good as it could get. she got killed in a mugging. three gunshots to the chest. and by pushing me around i meant, before and while and after i was with her. alot of ppl found it very amusing to mess with me all the time in any way they could. and while she was alive.. she was my crying shoulder. and i was hers. i hope this answered your questions.
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When I asked those questions, I didn't mean to be nosy or prying in any way. I was asking them so that maybe you could include some of those aspects in your poem. I apologize if you took my message the wrong way. I was just hoping that maybe you can clarify a few things in your poem so I can have some background. You didn't have to explain in detail, just a few clarifications. However, I appreciate your honesty and your courage. Good Luck to you in the future
(I really mean it!)
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