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A Coordinated Movement

Our eyes meet and glance away,
as stones skip across a lake.
In sailing surface dance, we prey
on gazes, chasing optic wake,
and trailing, shear off, shy.

We mingle thoughts midair,
ever ignoring the tide
washing beneath words unaware,
and, laughing, blithely confide
the crests of truths that underlie.

You skim a hand against my skin,
and I'm sun-saturated wind grazed,
my crystalline lies melting thin,
and though I smile as if unfazed,
you brand me yours with each goodbye.

Author notes

I'm still tinkering with this. Critical comments preferred!

What would you change?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    November 12

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    Hood-Wink!

    Utterly divine;

    the imagery from the first line held me
    and then it just continued to be enchanting
    in the softest of tones til the final sigh


  • SamanthaSam gold member
    November 12

    Edit | Reply

    Hood-Wink

    Very pretty poem with lots of imagery and nice flow, good metaphors too. It's most pretty and I enjoyed reading it. Very romantic and sybolic in nature. Good luck with all your writing. Keep on doing so. I especially liked this part:
    In sailing surface dance, we prey
    on gazes, chasing optic wake,
    and trailing, shear off, shy.
    Great job. Have a nice day and congrats on being Hood Winked by the Bandits.
    Sam I Am


  • aboomer silver member
    November 6

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    Well, I like the changes you've made. At first, it was quite choppy I thought - but it now reads so much better, smoothly....
    I don't think I would tinker with this any more - you seem to have it nicely done now.
    I enjoyed this.

    thank you for your entry
    best wishes in the contest

  • Michael P gold member
    November 6

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, I wouldnt change a thing...I loved the way you oganized this poem...the words flowed off my minds tongue with ease even though the syllable counts (last stanza) had some degree of differences still, the thoughts were continious--not an easy thing to pull off. Your choices of thoughts were excellent very vivid and mores to the point they did not lose focus with your theme--lines like, "chasing optic wake,' and, "the crests of truths that underlie," are nothing less than wonderful poetry...congrats on the trophy-even if not granted I believe..well deserved...peace.


  • islekine gold member
    November 6

    Edit | Reply

    I have enjoyed watching this

    change...nicely penned! I like it as it is..
    Thanks for entering! We do read them one last time...before judging...sometime this evening...
    Best wishes in the contest and always!
    Write on and on...

    and

1 - 5 of 5