a wayy too long 50 things

1. i'm afraid to grow up; not because the real world is scary, but because right now i write prose and free verse that's related to all the truth, and beauties of being a teenager and seeing beauty in breaking. when i'm not a teenager anymore,  i won't feel or see the same way- and i'm scared i don't know how to write anymore.

2. if i'm not a writer, i don't know who i am.


3. for a long time, i wanted to be the girl that made lonely beautiful, that painted the stars into her hands just to prove she had light in her, and the girl that no one understood. for a long time i thought if no one understood me, somehow they'd still want to be me, and i'd never run out of people that cared. i underestimated what it takes to get to that level of hurting, and that degree of lonely. i wasn't meant for it.

4. the changing of the seasons sends my mood up a wall, i become always cold, i get angry because someone hurt me years ago, i remember things i want nothing to do with, i cry on a dime, my emotions are scattered, and i can't stop sobbing, or flipping out. it sucks.

5. i hate the winter, because it's cold. it's dark. it's when depression seeps into my bones and hopes it'll finally get to stay. it's when i fight for myself every day of my life, fighting not to be someone who shuts themselves down emotionally, fighting to stay connections, and not isolate myself from the world. because in the end, the world never stops moving.

6. i was six when this boy i grew up, first molested me, i think- my memories are scattered. i've blocked a lot out. i was six when the person i trusted m ost in the world, who i was raised with, whom i had all the growing up experiences of brother-sister with, but was more than that to to me- hurt me. i was fucking six, and he stole from m e. 

7. i hate myself for it, but even now, i feel like he broke me, and took my  innocence, and the least he could do is come back for me. is not to leave, to guide me into growing up, instead of scaring me, and teaching me not to trust. i trusted him more than anyone else in the world except h er, she died, and he left. i still wish being how old i am now, he'd at least explain, tell me why.

8. he should have been my first love, and my first kiss, not some other boy. he should have proven to me that i didn't have to be afraid, he should have come back and given me something to hold onto other than scary dreams and dark rooms. he was wrong to hurt me, he was wrong to leave.

9. and the bad thing, i dont' hate him. he is my childhood at the same time. and that's what i think of when i think of him. my memories of childhood, are about him, my memories of first falling apart are about him. my god, i'm fucked up.

10. i'm terrified of the dark, but i love it at the same time. i was seven when  i first started to be afraid; to be irrationally afraid of what's out there, of being alone.


11. i'm a quarter italian, i've lived in italy for a year, and been there eight or nine times, it's my heritage, and my culture.  i wish i spoke the language.

12. i am in love with languages, i'm learning spanish, and trying to learn italian. i just love words. the way they sound on your tongue when there's no one else to listen.

13. i grew up around the ocean, but i'm terrified of it too. i have a beach house and i spent most of my summers there, but as much as i love the way it's wild, and salty and the waves are irregular, i'm afraid to drown. to watch my life flash through my eyes, because then i'd have to relive everything, and oh god, i don't want to.

14. i moved from a public school to private after 4th grade; that school fit classes based on how people fit and personality type and such. i did 4th twice, and ended up with the class i graduated 8th as a family with. i will always be grateful, because my class is amazing, and will always be a part of who i am, and a place of support and love for me. even people i'm not really close to, when we hang out again, are there for me, and i know they'd kill for me even though we have our personal arguements, that's love, and that's family.  that school has so many good memories for me. i got parts of childhood back, at the school with an all dirt campus, a rope swing in the middle, trees to climb, puddles, and a junk yard for a playground.


15. i'm summer born , and i'm 16. i love the rain, even though it's winter esque- and i love october, because it smells like starting over and fresh mountain air, and after a rain storm, and falling leaves.

16. last year my brother and i spent two hours writing our names in the drive way with fallen leaves, red, orange and brown- each letter was about as big as my leg.

17. i can hug people at school, and let this guy i know poke me in the ribs; but when my mom puts my tag inside of my shirt or touches my back and i don't know she's there; i flinch. and hurt her, because i cried 'no, stop' eight years too late. because she has no idea, and thinks my reflex is to get away from her. that's when i'm angry at him, because i'm afraid of people who love me, and i'm shattering them in the process.


18. i don't belong to my culture. i'd kill to be born into a family that celebrates a culture, not a religion a culture. i'm italian, but that wasn't a born into thing. my family is a mix of judaism and christianity, and i was raised around both. but the latina girls at my school who tell me about the way their family gets together and tells stories about the countries they come from, and how boring it is- i'm so god damn jealous. my family has been in the country for years, and my italian family aren't alive. and my grandma hasn't met personally any family members that died in the holocaust. our family doesn't really have cultural stories to tell. i feel lonely, because i want to connect.

19. i love to dance, i love music. everything about it, and moving makes my bones sing, though off key . i'm not amazing at it, but i love it. i'd kill to go to a school where all i do is dance, because it's a passion. but i feel the same way about writing, and horseback riding, and clearly i can't have all of those. though it kills me.

20. as a little kid i wanted to be a singer so bad, and if i could have one talent it'd be to sing, to be good at it. i'm so insecure about it, because i can't sing on key, and it hurts, it hurts when people joke about, when they mention it not seriously, and i'm ashamed. i'm in a dance/singing group- and i do this thing so i blend my voice, and they are all nice about it, but i wonder if they'd give me more credit if i could sing. i'm trying to change my voice, by singing a certain way- but i always wonder.

21. when i was in 7th in italy, my best friends spent three months verbally attacking me, bullying, me and basically doing everything that fits with girl aggression. they made up sleepovers they were going to have just to drop hints about so i'd be excluded. and one of their friends was my neighbor whose house i shared a wall with. they played ding dong ditch at my house while they had borrowed supplies for a bake sale thing they were doing. an event they refused to let me help. they broke me down so bad, and i still have so many scars from it. i notice when other people do things like that, and it's just all one big memory. i did my 9th speech on it because it had affected  me so much, and i cried through it for the whole school because i was afraid that i was too harsh, and was going to hurt people. so i relived what i went through to avoid hurting anyone.

22. i think ribbons, and tire swings, and train bridges, and rivers no one knows about are some of the loneliest and beautiful things in the world. my poems are littered with them, and quarries, and secret places, and caves, and caverns.

23.  'Undone' and Looking For Alaska, are two of my favorite books ever, and i've read thousands. i love them with such a passion. there are so many truths in them, and so much beauty. literary genius.

24. i think religion is a sad concept, and one worth writing about. i'm not one religion, i believe in many things for myself, but i believe everything coexists and is possible. I believe the christian god exists though i don't worship him and have much i think he needs to answer for, i believe the Jewish god exists and is another facet of the christian one and the same about Islam. i believe that there can be many gods coexisting, and it  can be possible to be a montheistic believer too. i believe everything coexists, and it depends how much we want to see.

25. i think hands can cry, and palms can feel guilty and lonely.

26. i think we don't ever completely  heal, we will always have wounds and all we can do is try to heal as best as we can and still live and learn. i think sometimes, we will always second guess some or question what they mean, and it's never over. we can move on, and we can choose to acknowledge that and keep living though. but scars are forever, some of them. and that's how life is. they can fade, and some never do.

27. there are more than one way to lose someone; dying isn't the only one, or the most painful. at all. it can be, but it doesn't have to be.

28. most of the people i've been close to, left, or chose to no longer be a part of my life.

29. the two people who defined my childhood at two different parts of my life- my childhood of 6, 7, 8 , 9 years old, and my childhood of middle school- are the two people who influenced me the most, and hurt me the most.  the boy i grew up with, and my best friend of five years- he stole from me, and i needed her and she wasn't there, she deliberately abandoned me while i was falling apart.

30. i still miss both of them in a way. i miss everyone i lose.

31. it took ten years for me to get over my best friend dying when i was five years old. i wrote something about it last year for english, and that was when i forgave her. the year before, i first cried about it.

32. my best friend who abandoned me, the ex best friend that's still living- i won't ever trust her again. after everything we went through. but i want to forgive her so i can move on, i want to tell my story, because its important she hear it or there will never be closure. she wants to fix it, but i know she can't. if i don't let go of her now, i'll never know if i can- and n ext semester i don't want to reach for her again.

33.  i'm afraid of the winter. of who i'll become this time. of whether i'll survive. of whether summer healed me enough.

34. for the past two and a half years, i've barely gone six weeks completely healthy. i'm lactose intolerant, and i have severe cramps- and my immune system is so down a lot. my stomach is crazy, one day i can e at eggs, and the next i can't, and then i'm sick, and my system is screwed, and i can't eat for like three days. i don't really gain weight, or am able to do things, since i'm sick all the time. i had an appendicitus the week before my b day, and two days after i was home from traveling in europe. my doctor only believed i was legitamate because i was crying and throwing up.

35. the only person in my family who would listen and understand being molested for three years, would just use it as fodder against my family, and as a way to hurt her step dad and mom, or my own parents, because they won't support her bad choices.
she loves me but she still hasn't grown up. she's going to costa rica for a month with her n ew bf, soon- since her school doesn't start till january- but i call it running. she says it's a cultural experience. i think she's doing what she does best, trying to get out and prove something. she's 19, and she's never finished anything, school, or a job, or survived by herself without finding easy outs.

36. i know a ridicolous amount of family secrets.

37. i think broken, and beautiful are not mutually exclusive. we just gotta find beauty in sad things.


38. i love the word ephemeral- it means short lived. it's one of my favorites, that and aestival, and quintissential.

39. i hate the smell of nail polish , but i think it's such a lonely smell. i think it's lonely, and sad.

40. i'm obsessed with saving things, since i can't save myself.

41. i've really fallen for three guys. one boy was my first love, in 7th, and everything about us was perfect, if only we'd had more time since i left to come home to the states not long after. he's one of my best friends and we still have chemistry, and an intense friendships. i'm mostly over him. one boy in 9th, i fell for him because i wanted someone to be broken with, he's a stoner but intensely smart and i believed i could relate to him. he never really liked me, though he kind of led me on.  this boy who went to my middle school in 4th but got kicked out for some anger management things, now transferred into my high school. he's a really amazing person- he reminds me a lot of my first love, he would be the perfect guy for me, in so many ways- and i've fallen really really really hard for him.

42. he's dating a really close friend, a nother transfer.  they got together a  dance she almost skipped, one i convince dher to go to. i hang out with them all the time- and i had a really strong chance to be with him if i'd made a move earlier- if she hadn't gone, that would have been me he was kissing at the dance. it'd prob be me dating him. and the thing is i've tried to get over him, but have only fallen more, and he flirts with me all the time. i love that he waits for me after class as much as he does for her, and that he listens to me when i tell him to not say stuff. i love that he was planing on going to this haloween party only cause i was going, but didn't go prob in part cause he knew his gf wouldn't be there, and completely trusts us. and i can't lie, i wanted badly to not hurt her but also knew there was a strong possibility something would happen. i feel like, he's falling for me too - but he's the only reason she's kind of happy, since she hates my school. i can't take him from her. 
but i have it bad for him. i kinda intimidate some of the guys at my school- i'm intense i guess- and like half the guys don't want to go out with someone who will give them a hard time about the fact they are failing classes.  he gets i'm crazy. it's cliche, but he gets me.

neither his gf or him, know i like him. i don't think.


44. i hate running, but i love it cause it clears my head. i'm also good at running away from things. it's kinda a problem.


45. i love the song paparazzi- because i  think the l yric about following someone till they love you, is beyond emotional and vulnerable.

46. i hate being vulnerable. it's a no for me. and a turn on, if people are vulnerable i gain respect for them- and i won't turn them away. since it takes major guts.

47. i don't really have limits so much, with boys. its not good. i've gone to small schools, and the group i hang with i don't go to parties where there's lots of ppl i'd really get in to trouble with so that's a good thing. but still it's an issue.

48. i hate not having control over my own body- alcohol and drugs and roller coasters petrify me for that reason.

49. pretty sure you didn't notice i skipped 43.
songs are memories from me, until the memories fade, i associate them with the periods of times when they were meaningful to me. i can't listen to a lot of songs sometimes.

50. i don't really know who i am, half the time. and that's scary, but i've learned to go with it.