I'm Afraid, I Might Be Right

In my last write, I said that I felt something was wrong.
A tightening in my chest that I have only felt once before in my life, summer 2008.
I'm hope that I am wrong as to the reason behind this pain,
but it is something my heart is telling me.
He's at the source and knows all the truth.
I have to trust what he says.

A replicative pain which had enduring circumstances.
A triangle; involved with love, betrayal, trust, lies, and tears.
Another situation in which I only did good,
but it seems by this pain I feel today that nothing I do has been or is good enough.

My heart has been sending me messages as of late,
and I've had these messages before.
He stays with her all the time, but it seems he is getting weak.
He has less and less strength everyday.

After every post-split I feel like I do the best I can, for her.
But for some reason to her, whatever my action, is never good enough.
She seems it's better for her to talk down about me to her friends,
which is okay I guess.
But the thing is, I've never done anything towards her that was wrong or unwarranted,
only above expectations and loving.
So to be labelled as an asshole...I find...rather confusing, to say the least.

But there he stands, her white knight;
or should I say black, no pun intended.
I've felt his presence before and it is rather straining.
I hope this is not a repeat of that period,
but my heart tells me that he has seen him.
I wish that he would have never had to.

He has professed his love in the past,
and similar to myself, we both stay attached to her, endlessly.
However, no matter what I do, he's always done better.
My heart is even telling me another heart is nearby.
I still love her to this very day,
but my love goes unnoticed while his is on her golden pedestal.

I feel that I am not adequate for her, or something along those lines.
Something about him makes me obsolete,
and I don't know what that one thing is.
She says she feels regret, says I am the better person,
the one she still loves (kind of);
but, it seems all of that...is ending...
or...never existed.

Each word that he has said to her, I have said ten times over,
but she doesn't listen when I've said it.
I've tried my very hardest, but it seems that she makes me the bad guy now.
I haven't noticed until my last write, that I was a bad guy.
I never realized how little of a difference I've made to her life until today.

My love for you will never cease to exist,
sadly it won't be in harmony with his love for you either.
I know she rebuilds this connection with him every time I'm not there,
but this time she will be able to keep that connection;
after all, it seems as though he truly is the superior person.
She tried to always say I was so much more,
and special, and uniquely good to her;
But, actions and emotions speak louder in toil.

I really hope that I'm just being paranoid,
and that everything I have typed will be considered null.
During my last write, I felt something deep inside,
and these words just came to be.
Over 2 days, I have been able to write this out carefully.

Just 3 weeks ago, she said that she loved me.
"The pindrop changes time", seems to be perfectly fitting.
I haven't felt this wave of pain since we broke communication,
until a few days ago.
I was always the one sacrificing and sacrificing to make her happy,
and I have failed.

Kudos, to the black night;
as he is able to woo her with just a smile.
I am nowhere near deserving of her, or anything close.
I still have yet to determine what it is that I did that was so wrong,
so bad, and so evil.
But, that is all water under the bridge,
when he gallops along on his stallion.

All in all, my emotion is hoping that this is all but a figment of my imagination,
and I sound like someone who is mentally unstable.
But on the flipside, if I am right about all the above in this piece,
It proves even further the love and connection I have for her.
Just because I can feel her feelings, even from afar.

It would be sad to find out that your 'babe' is someone else,
when apparently that was me, forever.
One beautiful girl, with the hearts of two men;
mine will never leave, and if his is with you too,
I know it will never leave either.

As long as you are happy,
and I wish you truly become happy;
it just pains my heart to see,
that it is the black knight's heart you chose to embrace.
As I hope you feel that every bit of love that comes from him,
has come from me as well.

I will always love you, and like him,
would do anything at any point of time, if you ever needed.
I just hope you realize, neither him nor I
could be forever unless your heart leaves you as well.
I know the feeling,
and your heart is the most glorious feeling in the world.

If you decide to give your heart to him,
I wish you the best,
and happy that you chose the man who was the better choice.
He is one but lucky, to have your attention,
I haven't felt that from you in a long time;
I'm afraid I might never feel it again.
A fear that eats at me with each passing day.

So I hope I am wrong,
wrong to feel like he is there again.
But if I am not,
then I understand his feeling.
Because I know that he has always loved you,
and we both know that I will always love you too.

I am sorry for the position you are in,
as I know it must be very, very difficult.
But he and I are not the same person,
and don't share many of the same qualities,
although by the looks of it, it seems that his qualities are the grab king's flesh.

He seems to be better in every way;
looks, personality, activity and anything else there is...
otherwise your connection with him wouldn't overstep ours;
the multiple times it is...
If it has this time I'm not sure,
I don't even know if any of this is really real.
Although we don't speak,
something inside of us will always feel.

You have been detracted away from me, towards him before in the past,
and it was always in my mind that it would happen again;
regardless if you promised that it never would.
Promises are the children born of Pandora's Box,
that of which have left nothing but hurt in it's path.

The first sign, was October 15, 2009;
my first revisted 'nightmare' in a few months.
This nightmare has visited me often,
since we last spoke and locked eyes.
With that subtle kiss I placed atop your head,
I wished it would have left me.
But I still see that black knight in my dreams,
and my heart tells me, that black knight is a reality, once again.

My heart is losing energy each day,
but I know he perks up when you're around.
I love you with each ounce of it,
and I'm sorry that I was nothing but a bad person to you;
I really am.

I made the decision to last split, because I felt it was for best,
although I've learned that maybe it was something you wanted all along,
as he is a much better choice to have inside your love life.
My heart is telling me things that you used to say to me,
that now you say to him;
and it strikes a chord deep in my bones.
I'm so sorry,
I wish I was still your 'babe'.

Tears aren't enough to show what I feel,
and I've always been one to speak my mind.
I wish my heart told me I was making all of these things up,
but he has only reinforced them.
I know the same chest pains that you have,
and the moments that you have them.
And am awake at all those parts in the night when you cannot sleep.

Every lyric from any song reminds me of you, of us;
as if one day you would forever be my wife.
Although we try not to live in the past,
it's difficult with a connection that we have;
difficult to gauge not being together ever again.
Maybe it is easier for you,
but it is something dear to my heart, dear to you;
but I will always hope for.

Each word conversed between us was special,
whether or not it was a fight or conversation;
and I always treasured any time I spent with you,
because I looked forward to it so much.
And will continue to,
unless you're happier to be without me now...

I have never loved anyone this way,
and to have that from two people must be very weakening.
I don't feel anger, yes slightly jealous;
mainly I feel utter sadness, and a slight happiness if you do choose him,
because it would prove that you really can be that strong of a person.

I'm sorry that I wasn't the one to be made the effort for,
but glad to know if he is the one that is.
Your left and your right palms are each filled with a heart,
and with the shape mine is in;
I would not blame you one bit for choosing his.

I'm not trying to play games,
not in the very least.
The black knight knows how I feel too,
because of the way he feels about you;
it's a dangerously similar type of love.
I'm not trying to get into your head, or anything of that sort.
A very important anniversary date has just past,
and I have never been one to keep my feelings inside.
But you have that affect on both me, and him.

I will still be waiting for that call,
and still waiting for you to love me again.
And everyday I think about how the chance is close to 0%.
Just that thought is salvation enough,
and I wish that it would be for you as well;
but I cannot blame you if it isn't,
or if you find salvation in him instead.

I don't know what my heart has said to you,
and I don't know if you even speak to my heart at all;
but he has spoken to me a lot lately,
about in what shape you are.
He's told me that you've been cold, and alone;
and busy, and frustrated.
But, he's also told me, that he's seen the black knight,
close to you.

My feelings will never change,
I just hope that you don't think so badly of me for reasons I don't understand.
I hope I'm wrong about every word I've typed,
but you know my heart as well as I do;
He's not very good at lying...

I hope my words mean something to you,
but we still feel eachother from a distance;
a distance I wish never ever existed.
I don't know what it is about my nightmare,
that is so attractive to you...
but I'm happy for you, if that's what you want...
I hope I'm wrong after everything in this piece,
and if I am, then I really am the dummy...

I've tried my best and worked so hard,
to be all that you ever needed...
No matter the distance,
my feelings will never change.

I know I've gotten upset at you,
but each one of those times it was right for me to do so.
I guess the black knight shows no signs of being upset at you,
at all, or whatsoever; and I'm just miserable and non-understanding.
I'm sorry I seem so small compared to him,
but you've pushed my buttons on so many of those occasions;
and I still came back for more, because of how much I love you...

You're the reason I'm where I'm at in my life right now,
for all the good reasons.
you're the strength I have to move forward in school,
and all the other things I try...
you're the one who always made me feel happy,
feel loved when no one else would
and you're still an angel to me...

I'd always be there whenever you needed,
even when you couldn't do the same for me...
I know my heart and his aren't easy to deal with,
because you have your's on top of it all, too.
I'm sorry he's straight up better than I am,
even though you used to say the other way around...

All I ask of you,
is to please try and make sure that my heart doesn't have any nightmares;
my mind having those is enough,
and I don't think that is too much to ask of you...

I'm not even 100% sure his heart is there,
or that he's even in your life again;
but my heart is telling me he is,
and I feel his presence like it was June 2008 all over again...
I've haven't felt this way since that summer,
which is why I had to write this...

And I know you have a ways to go, and grow;
I'm not removing that from the equation at all.
I think it's something I have to do too,
but still that fact isn't enough to erode the way that I feel,
the way I love you more than anything in this world.

If you pick someone other than us two,
a white knight...
I hope it works out;
I really do...
but my heart will remain at the safest home it's known,
where I and my heart would be nightmare-free...

You make me smile and tear by just the thought,
and each one of these days apart has been kidney-stone painful...
the love I have for you is endless, living in eternity;
the same place I wish I was living with you.
My heart's been with you from day one,
it isn't leaving anytime soon...



The bottom line is,
I love you babe...
forever.