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jupiter monday




honestly.


honestly there was just once
just one time
just one one one single time

just one


just one time i couldn't look
away
couldn't stop that train
from seeing me

breaking my bones into
new tracks

as if i hadn't of heard the ringing
that subtle shaking ringing

of that child crying in the caboose window seat
all alone
pressing her little fingers to the glass
thinking what if i could get through this
this glass
this honest mistake
all they'd see is me reaching without hands

and what is so different
about a child two months into the womb
nothing effects a grave more
than that child's hands

would we have looked the same,
i wonder every day

as if i hadn't of sat in that same exact place
on some late december morning
the sun behind me as well as my birth
only death yet to leave

only each track ricocheting off the train
trying to get out of here so hard
just a little too
fast


breathe harder, train

we hear eachother,
don't we























Author notes


of course the title has no relevance.

What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Candy Morphine
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    but i love the title all the same.


    this is informal
    and personal
    and amazing
    and just angela-standard as always.


  • wave1080
    November 3

    Edit | Reply

    I like this

    But I love question marks , not sure why ? Even I'm weird . Ha ha

  • Writing0Freedom
    November 3
    Edit | Reply
    stunning much?

    i <3 your writing and you!


  • tuesdae
    November 3
    Edit | Reply
    <3


  • sighingflosser.
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    this is gorgeous.

    my only complaint:
    only the first stanza has proper punctuation, but it also has a lot of periods. i like the lack of punctuation throughout most of the piece (although the ending i think needs a question mark), but since the first stanza has a lot of periods and the rest has none, i think it makes the first one look uncomfortably stuffed. like when you eat too much because it's so good.


    but still:
    i like.



    i love. loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


    • heavenbird gold member
      November 3
      Edit | Reply
      thank you!
      i took out all the punctuation.
      xD
      i don't really like question marks. i'm not sure why. i think it gives it more of a thoughtful feel without it. i'm weird. haha.

      i'm glad you like this!

1 - 10 of 10