You used me!
I thought our days would never end- suspend all time, together. You filled me, thrilled me and all the while I held your desire. I was your one and only, holding a place of prestige, wanting only to please. The days we played untamed, days of full-body steeping, steamy and dreaming. What morning didn't we spend sending reflections to the moon? Ah, the way you traced the length of my lip, never failing to stir me. You consumed me, nothing less and I longed to be filled again. We had it all, I felt complete- the morning aroma, the late night spice, sugar and honey and everything nice. Heaven's mere concept paled to our time, our sharing divine.
But the world tilted heavy when the cream of our dream curdled and separated like haunting curtains on reality's play. Though I savored the dregs you careless left and pretended, as you, that the artificial sweetness you added would hide the bitterness of your fill, I could not ignore the growing distaste and increasing haste with which you would rinse and leave me, to drip dry on the rack. I held together tight, for I knew if I cracked, even just a chip, that you would discard me without thought. The strain was immense and our time rather tense, and I stewed and I brewed till the dawn showed me hence the answer to your darkening mood.
I gave you my all, every time. The hopes and wishes of common dishes may not be grand, but life is simple in familiar flavors and decency remains the same. You enjoyed me and I thrived, you used me and I complied, you neglected me and I tried not to feel the sting, you ignored me and I seethed. I crazed upon seeing your use of others and my glaze paid the price. Our time in the glorious morning sun had set and not so much as a backward glance, or remorseful touch. Reality swirled and eddied and burned- to be the one and then be done. As I hung on your rack and mulled in my wrath, the acrid taste of a foreign brew crept and a plan formulated to ease my despair. With my glaze shattered, bits of my skin would fall right in and create a toxic tea with proper soaking. My sole intent was to make you feel my ache in your gut, my pain in your head. Your labored breath, at first gratifying, but transformed to horror then panic ran wild, then questions and sirens and terrible silence. And I, left hollow. How would I know of sensitivities dire and you would end up dead?
Remorse is a dreadful thing as revenge is not as sweet as the honey life affords the faithful, but sour as the hours drag and I waste on the shelf of an empty house and collect dust, and memories.
Author notes
Una Taza, Sola (A Single Teacup)
Prompt
1. a teacup
"it's time for some intense personification"
2. a prose piece of 480-500 words.
(my word count on Openoffice says 483)
3. http://larafairie.deviantart.com/art/The-Red-Death-35066618
This made me think of obsession/poison
4. 1 hyperbole, 1 simile and 1 example of assonance:
Hyperbole: "Heaven's mere concept paled to our time"
Simile: "separated like haunting curtains on reality's play. "
Assonance: "spend sending reflections"
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 9 - Top Nine by Laura Lamarca.
1150 points, ended November 5, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments welcomed
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Una Taza, Sola
First impression: 8/10
Relative to prompt: 9/10
Creativity with prompt: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 9/10
Cohesion: 4/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Write's "profound" effect: 8/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 105/115
I simply reveled in your first paragraph with all of the internal rhyme and sound. So much sound and taste and emotion. Nice nice nice.
"Though I savored the dregs you careless left and pretended," - "carelessly" perhaps? I keep wanting to read "carelessly".
"I held together tight, for I knew if I cracked, even just a chip, that you would discard me without thought. The strain was immense and our time rather tense, and I stewed and I brewed till the dawn showed me hence the answer to your darkening mood." - my goodness, what a wonderfully executed stress of your entire metaphor presented in these lines. I could go places there. Very well done.
I think the Hyperbole used is a bit weak and could have been stronger, but it's not bad. Good use of the other poetic devices assigned.
Nicely done with personification. Not sure if you were quite able to grab the image prompt in its entirety but a good try.
Nice work. ~Pamela
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Thank you!
Kris
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Una Taza, Sola:
First impression: 9/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 9/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 9/10
Write's "profound" effect: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 110/115
paragraph 1 to midway through paragraph 2...you lost me in an overkill of poetic device - i have been guilty of such in the past too and have had to learn the balance between just enough device and a little too much, in order to still relate a clear message to my readers.
The rest is simply stunning though and you found your unique voice...i enjoyed it.
laura.
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Thank you
Kris
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By far my favourite from you in this competition so far.The concept in beauty in itself and you tell the tale with such passion. I adore the poetic devices squeezed through and the last big paragraph has a million great phrases/lines and just amazed me. At the start I was wondering if the paragraphs were too long but by the end, I was blown away and had forgotten I thought that - and looking back, I think you set them perfectly, the mood and information carried in each is the right amount. !!
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Thank you!! When I saw the word count requirement of 480-500 words- eeps! That's a decent size for prose- how to make a long piece interesting? I appreciate your comment so much
Thanks again1
Kris
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Delightful personification! Artful "the way you traced the length of my lip." Outstanding "What morning didn't we spend sending reflections to the moon?" Lovely "late night spice."
Outstanding "the cream of our dream curdled and separated like haunting curtains on reality's play." Some very enjoyable internal rhyming. Interesting plot, to use one's own skin to form a toxic draught. Excellent "questions and sirens and terrible silence." Last sentence in third paragraph might be smoothed out grammatically.
Lonely and bitter ending, "I waste...collect dust, and memories."
Excellent title.
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Thank you!! I have taken all your suggestions into serious account and will be doing some editing tonight.
Thanks again
Kris
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Though I savored the dregs you careless left
-careless --> carelessly?
dawn showed me hence the answer to your darkening
-i think 'hence' made the rhyme a little over the top, but this is only because the word is not needed. in my opinion anyway.
but wow, this was intense! you'll do well with this.
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Thank you for the suggestions- you picked out places that I wondered about too.
Thanks!!
Kris
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Spectacular! Stunning
What other words I don't know to describe this amazing piece Kris! You have so outdone yourself here. The personification is just brillinat and the wasy you used all those 'tea' words is so so clever. And then blow me down you made it into a story of love, loss, revenge and remorse
What more could one ask for in a piece of prose and it's about a teacup That part about the glaze cracking really allowed you to pen such a strong ending!
Love it! Just blew me away! Again
Gaylene
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Well, thank you! Frankly you have blown me away with that comment!
I think I got a break here because I didn't have to do a complex form with repetition like so many of you did- not sure I could've handled that right now.
Thank you so much for a fabulous comment! Im really touched!
Kris
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Nope Kris, you had to make this piece your own whatever the challenge and you rose to it beautifully! Your poetic devices fitted like ny fave pair of shoes in this and the way you wove your rhyme through it too is just awesome
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Wow! Excellent! I am speechless! I loved it! Good luck in the contest!
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Thank you!! I apprecitate that!
Kris
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"You enjoyed me and I thrived, you used me and I complied, you neglected me and I tried not to feel the sting, you ignored me and I seethed" ohhh....i think LL nailed it when she said give you prose...def. your best I think...the very first piece ive ever read from you was a prose...this is outstanding..wonderful personification here...great use of poetically device...
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Ah, that's right!
Thank you, I appreciate this comment so much!
Kris
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wow. I really like this! It flows very well and I couldn't help but laugh at some things in the beginning with the tea cup personification.
The ending lines are killer! (no pun intended)
I think you could have ended it at empty house though to give it even more impact.
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I'm glad you found humor here, its really what I intended. I can't imagine how boring being a teacup would be...
Interesting... if i ended at empty house I wouldn't have met the word requirement!
lol.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Kris
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I agree, the life of a teacup could be boring but you made it very entertaining here
Ah, stupid word requirements
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If ever a teacup could have such a poem written about it.. I would love to be that teacup... Full of deep meaning and I think metaphor... I love how the verses just moved into each other... Wonderful write and I wish you all the luck in the world for you in this contest....
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Thank you for such a lovely comment and your luck (even tho you know I dont believe in luck, lol )
Kris
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I believe you have said all there is to say about this poor obsessed teacup. The internal rhyme and other poetic devices make this rise above humble prose. I loved the idea of jealousy and revenge; what a wonderful and fulfilling story. It was a pleasure to read. Peace, Liz
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Thank you so much, I can never tell if I've gone over the top... I had intended this to be humorous, somewhere along the way it evolved into homicide... sigh.
Thank you always for a lovely comment
Kris
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