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[ How our society has fallen ]

How our society has fallen
What was once bad has become acceptable
And what we know to be bad, we still use

Cigarettes in every mouth
Fast food places at every turn
Overpriced health-food is grossly discarded
People don't move anymore
Their limbs decaying on the couch

Many numb the pain with beer
Which only gives them a belly
Doctors care only about the payment
Not about your life
The president is screwing us
Indepting us to China
By buying our votes with tax returns

 

But can this change?

Can we do something to help ourselves

and everyone around us?

 

Let us try to go green!

Recycle you recycle-ables

turn off your lights in the day

Pick up litter for no reason

Get the word out

Do your part

 

One person CAN make a difference

One person CAN inspire more "one persons"

What was one CAN become many

 

Just as many VOICES combined become loud

So CAN our ACTIONS

ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS

Try putting ACTIONS to those WORDS

 

SAVE our PLANET

 

Because if we dont

Who will?

 

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Poetic-Theorem silver member
    November 7

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent penning!
    Very dark, yet profoundly true look at our atrocities in our societies..the uplifting, inspirational ending is cool as well..VERY WELL PENNED!

    However, I must make a comment and I really hope that you do not get Offended in anyway..according to comments below, you chose to edit this piece to give a positive ending..according to the prompt, I would not have done so..please don't let others change the thoughts you wish to prevail..one does not have to offer solutions [there are no guidelines to poetry, only one's thoughts and imagination] all poetry does not have to be inspirational

    Constructive criticism about spelling, grammar, form, rhymes, format, etc..is great because it makes us better writers..persuading one's thoughts in not freedom of speech

    "Fuck this piss-soaked world and all the pricks in it"
    can also be considered Brilliant poetry with nothing else said
    There was a picture prompt not long ago of a dark cavern
    the poetess simply wrote the following
    "Fuck my deep moist cave" it got outstanding remarks and a GOLD

    I say all this because you are a great poet..your mind is great..imagination and creativity are the most important factors in the world..I say this as a teacher in Mathematics..Einstein said the same and he has never been proven incorrect

    take away creativity, imigination, passion, etc..the result would be living in a massive pile os shit
    wish youthe best thy fine poet..David


  • SlightOfChance
    November 3
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your review [debulm], I have revised my poem and added what I believe to complete it, based on your analysis. I appriciate you taking your time to help me with my writing, and to write down your opinion.

  • debulm
    November 3

    Edit | Reply

    overstated

    this type of negative writing needs something ... how about a solution! When you tell a story - poetry being a story - you need to have something to contrast to; like hope vs tragedy, light vs dark, cold vs hot, ugly vs beauty. Get the idea. An idea would be to include one stanza about a positive solution.