leaping at the sun.

last night I was laughing and jumping between the trees and suddenly I was screaming, punching stones and dancing on the edge of the world, all because I was cold.
the sky looked like lightening and fireworks just reminded me of death. yet, that night I fell face forward and drowned in holy water.

I was running through backstreets because somebody was chasing me, but I was too drunk and didn’t realise it was me. I started counting stars, but I’ve never been good with simple math, then someone heard me fall. He told me about music that melts your heart and rivers that can take you anywhere.

That’s when I started shaking
wishing he’d tell me that running
in skirts and sequins at two am
and pretending i didn’t exist
was going to kill me.

I wish he’d said something like that,
and not whispered that I was a bit
broken, that I needed to be fixed
and that he could tell that I was
going to be
okay.

because I needed someone to tell me I was heading for a gravestone
because I am not ever going to be okay.
because I remember hipbones and magazine girls instead of history.
because I listen to songs about winter and feel happiest
because I can’t wear red anymore.
because I don’t feel like smiling.
because i just want to end.




I want to be winter or a sunset or the last track on a mixtape. and I want to burn out and I want to pass without instance and I want to feel and
I want to stop.