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Humanity; prequel to Pariah.

PART i
You engage me like a cage;
a plague planted on this stage
to rearrange written change.

Face displaced with fingerprints;
optical flint, mirror tint
of intrigue in your disease.

The trace of the human race;
stencil in their pokerface
and like that, they are erased.  

My body tanked in fish shit
like indignity persists
and I'm a stoned inflection;

a jacked conception condensed
with intention to ferment.
And I'm alone; left in fenced.  

Breasts of bliss blessed in bias,
dress suspense, cut the wires;
and your bubbles drown down.

Down your bubbles; drown my mind -
hear your ignorance sublimed.


 

PART ii

 

I am -

a veinless leaf.

 

Liquid crawls 

through my spine - 

 

its motion manifests

my insides

and they shrivel

whilst my flesh

eats it's own skeleton. 

 

Bone made of glass

and the shard of 

a heart.

 

Your arms flail at 

stems of my birth;

nails that impale

my clearskin reflection.

 

Inches of water

that deter interest

in the fins

that float like mould

in the motor of my soul. 

 

I am -

a season old. 

 

Deemed insignificant

in the upgrade

of spades; 

 

drawn to dust

in the covers of dark

and back to

cardboard shelters

 

in the sale 

of your out-dated 

possessions.

 

I seek no gold

nor penny;

 

but passings

of fish filter the

seclusion induced

in my solitude

for breath. 


Man-made organics

and simple mechanics.

 

I am - 

a scenary of amusement;

the tiny zoo

dressed on your dresser.

 

I am -

a reminder of power;

the enslavement of weak

right before you eat.

 


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Author notes


Click image for Credit.

1.
Personification:; a goldfish bowl
2.
Format:; 1 free verse poem of 50 lines in length and a 20-line rap poem.
3.
Emotional prompt:; http://mafaka.deviantart.com/art/Defiance-20979946
4.
Requirements:; 1 simile and 2 examples of alliteration.

 

Simile; 

[Part i] L1 [Part ii] L20

 

Alliteration;

[Part i] L2 & L16 [Part ii] L5 & L27

 

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22
  • I got your IM several days ago, but I have been very busy the past few days with school, homework, soccer practice, and a soccer game. This didn't need any criticism anyway...this is arguably your best one so far in LaLa.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    Humanity; prequel to Pariah.


    First impression: 10/10
    Relative to prompt: 10/10
    Creativity with prompt: 10/10
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Cohesion: 5/5
    Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
    Poet's personal effort: 10/10
    Write's "profound" effect: 10/10
    Rules followed: 5/5
    Last impression: 10/10

    Extra credit points:

    Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
    Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
    Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5


    Total score: 115/115


    Your title is amazing. Absolutely excellent.

    "optical flint, mirror tint" - oh I loved that way that rolled off the tongue.


    "drawn to dust
    in the covers of dark
    and back to
    cardboard shelters

    in the sale
    of your out-dated
    possessions."


    Wow! What powerful lines for this second half of your piece. I am completely captivated and those last two stanzas are the cannons firing.
    Impressive writing for this round.
    Absolutely stellar.

    Bravo! ~Pamela


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    Humanity; prequel to Pariah:

    First impression: 9/10
    Relative to prompt: 10/10
    Creativity with prompt: 10/10
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Cohesion: 5/5
    Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
    Poet's personal effort: 10/10
    Write's "profound" effect: 10/10
    Rules followed: 5/5
    Last impression: 10/10

    Extra credit points:

    Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
    Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
    Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5


    Total score: 114/115


    laura.

    • Naridill
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      Sorry, Heather cannot continue, she died from shock

  • Oh wow now that's what I call a strong finish and says it all. A very difficult taks and you have completed this brilliantly. A gold here I smell, but I am not the judges!
    Best wishes


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    This was not an easy challenge. Trying to write about a goldfish bowl in two separate ways was daunting but you pulled it off. The rap poem had great internal rhyme and the rhythm was perfect. In a way you carried that throught to the freeverse with the "i am" lines. I think I would have preferred a dash or dots rather than the semicolon but the wording is very effective. The last stanza really is food for thought. Peace, Liz


    • Naridill
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      I agree entirely with the semi-colon and '-'.. sometimes, I just get carried away with semi-colons and no one points it out so I often get away with it. Thanks for pointing it out. and in doing that, I could add the break in the last stanzas with semi-colon else where.

      Thank you for comments.
      Appreciated.


  • Nickelspring gold member
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed these two pieces. I could definately feel the commonality between the two yet they were two distinct and unique pieces. I liked part i (rap poem, right?) love the honest nature of it and the rhythm of it. I enjoyed that it used somewhat inconsistent rhyme- I thought that worked well. Part ii I particularly liked.
    "but passings
    of fish filter the
    seclusion induced
    in my solitude
    for breath. " Ooh, I thought that was really good!
    Nicely done!! A pleasure to read!
    Best wishes,
    Kris


  • abu nuwas
    November 4

    Edit | Reply

    Perhaps...

    ....there are times when contests and prompts really do more harm than good. I am sure that a slection of lines and phrases from this would fit into another, poignant poem. Sorry to seem negative.


    • Naridill
      November 4
      Edit | Reply
      Hitler failed cause he drew a sky blue.

      Unusual prompts are good. You stated you didn't like prompt and such but gave no reason apart from that - do you just not like what it is about.

      Perhaps I should write a love poem


  • crivanea silver member
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    ohhhhh!!!! i came here once already..but it was incomplete back then...love where you take the second part! the pic is soooo cute!.....i love part 2...

    I am;
    a season old.


    wow! that's stunning...and an awesome 2 stanza closure as well...very nicely done..and great rhythm for part 1 as well

  • Virulent Malice
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    In part one, in most of the stanzas you rhyme it three times, but there were a couple stanzas where it didn't happen. I'd go back and edit those and find a way to keep a sense of consistency there.
    Also is it really necessary to use the line "fish shit"? It's terribly un-artistic, it doesn't fit at all, and it ruins the flow you have going on until that point.

    The poem was well written and I enjoyed it, but those are some criticisms I'd consider looking at.


    • Naridill
      November 4
      Edit | Reply
      The rhyme scheme changes, that is why you its AAA in every odd stanza and BBC in every even stanza. Thus was intentional. As a rap poem, not just a poem, the different flow works well as spoken words, rather than intentionally creating a straight rhyme through out. Perhaps its not up to everyone's taste.

      The necessity of 'fish shit' is needed. Not artistic or anything was perhaps my intention. It disturbed you a little, therefore I accomplished my goal to effect the reader the way I wanted. The metaphor and imagery flows within the concept; whether it is agreeable to those not keen on my language chosen.


  • Rj
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    Not entirely fair... I mean critically commenting on a contest poem. So I'll stick to the apparent, that no judge should miss anyway... This write has good tonal control and read speed overall a rich texture. Overall a very proficient exercise of skills and gift. I hope you do well in the contest.

    Rainbows,

    ~RJ~


    • Naridill
      November 4
      Edit | Reply
      I really want critical comments so that when it is judged it will be improved. I trust my judges in this round to make there decisions based on there views, not comments pasted below and even if it is on comments below, they will notice changes made from poem. That is why I featured this piece in the revision category, cause that is what I want. Criticism. Negative or positive.


  • Mango Memories gold member
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    Since you have the idea that a short comment means I dislike a poem. ive decided to take the time here to banter on for hours on end.

    Yes heather, because be it 3 am in the morning i still remember things

    Very, and I mean, very unqiue. I dislike reading poems with predictable words that crunch my mind... and I guess thats why i respect this poem so much; it rarely does it.

    It enthralled me and left me gasping for me; as should any good poem do.


    yours,


    MM.


    fark. what a retarded comment


  • Summer Daze silver member
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    The rap part is great. The rhyme and beat make me want to say this out loud. I'll comment more when you finish the freeverse. Good continuity in the freeverse portion although I thought it was not quite as "in your face" as the picture and you usual voice might suggest. Personification was well done with strong ending but thought there might be more "fish shit" in the freeverse. You are one person who could pull this off without sounding forced.

  • Mango Memories gold member
    November 3
    Edit | Reply
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