cold hearted and unamused
you left me broken and abused
you took all away from me
why couldn't you just let me be?
I wasn't going to leave my man for you
you lied, you were NOT true
you didn't have to be so unkind
there's something off within your mind
you are callous, cruel, and cold
I can't believe the rumors and lies you told
your icy heart will never melt
kindness I had towards you
should never have been felt
I was nice to you, why are you harsh to me?
Why do you hate me with such cruelty?
Author notes
Prompt: Ice : 20 lines or less
A contest entry
- One Word Prompt #13 by Diminished Capacity.
1075 points, ended November 3, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite contest 1st come 1st serve by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended November 14, 375 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - big bang prewrite contest round 1 - 3 by serenity silvermoon.
2100 points, ends December 12, 643 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Nice!
I think everyone can relate to this in one way or another. Great job. I was seeing my ex-husband in it and also a girl I knew when I was just in 6th grade. That is it, it reaches out to the masses! Karma is not to be crossed, that is for sure. Good luck in this contest!
Awkward:
I was nice to you, why are you harsh to me?
Why do you hate me with such cruelty?
Re-phrase:
Just know the hand you dealt will leave you a welt
And the hate you emanate will never permeate
Well, just an idea. The last two lines though powerful seemed to break the flow a little. You message is strong and clear.
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I hate people like this. I can only hope that you find better and more respectable people to grace your life because you deserve that. Wonderful write, thank you so much for entering.
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Great take on the prompt...been on the receiving end of a man's pride reducing him to icy cruelty. Fantastically written and best of luck in the contests. Your friend, ~gypsy~
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A very interesting poem. Persoanlly, if I may say so, I think it would have looked better in verse. That would only have added 3 or 4 extra lines to your total line count and so you would have been safe in the contest. The flow is interrupted just a tiny bit in the places where verse would be good. Apart from that though, it was a great poem. The take on the prompt was quiet interesting and the way in which you portrayed it was done well. The imagery and emotions were very strong throughout.
If I may make one more suggestion,
I can't believe the rumors and lies you told
It sort of juts out a little from the rest of the poem and the reader understands the depths of his lies. So many taking out the and lies bit.
I hope you don't mind these suggestions, the poem was fantastic but to make it amazing required just that tiny bit of editing.
...I hope this helped and didn't offend. -
o0o0o0o0..powerful take on the prompt "ice"
you really blew the prompt out of the water here..your word choice is stunning..angst pours from the page..splendid imagery
Wish you the best of luck..love & light..David
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Wow I liked it
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