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The Sun and Its Oceans

Your breath washes over
The perfidious shore.
Poignantly you tip your chin
And blaze a path of tangerine
Over the cerulean stillness.

Drifting... awash
Twist-turning in cosmic tides
Tucked neatly under earthen crust
Your light becomes the tides
For the buoyant nighttime ink.

I'm starting to believe,
As cobalt stones blend
To aspen tranquility.
That you're becoming like the ocean.
Giving and taking it all away.

Author notes

http://lucias-tears.deviantart.com/art/The-Essence-of-Light-80898515

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Lanasaur
    November 6

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    I enjoyed reading this poem. Two things i thought were brilliant. 1. 'Your breath washes over
    The perfidious shore.' That line is very beautiful, lovely metaphor. 2. You have used such detail and beauty! Amazed....Keep penning!
    Lana


  • mgmc gold member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    Very vivid imagery! Yet a different take on the photo and it works well......those last two lines are particularly captivating! Some different connections that I also like ("your light becomes the tides"). Nicely written! Thanks for your entry and best of luck!


  • Cool Jew
    November 4

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    I really enjoyed the images in the poem, but there were some small things that kept me from enjoying the it as much as I could have, which I had questions about. It seemed that the second-person point of view you used didn't mesh perfectly with your choice of diction; I felt that your use of diction with words like "perfidious" and "cerulean," which felt lofty and slightly more abstract, were a little bit at odds with the point of view, which felt much more personal.

    A second question I had was smaller, but I felt that the three periods at the end of the last stanza interrupted the flow of the piece, and didn't match up with how you had been using punctuation in the rest of the poem. If you want to keep each of the last three lines slightly separate from the rest of the stanza, I think you could achieve this by using a comma after "tranquility" and possibly a dash after "ocean," and this way could still keep the flow going.

    Overall, I enjoyed the piece! (I hope my feedback was helpful.)

    -CJ

  • msjuicytech
    November 4
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    Ahhh ... like a blissful kiss ;-)


  • g e m m a
    November 3
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    ummm this is beautiful. this is like being drunk and in love and the ending makes me want to cry.

1 - 5 of 5