My favorite verb:
constellate.
is my regret fading?
my regret is growing, and eating me away until I can fix it or learn to accept that I cannot change certain things. which ever comes first.
can I wink?
yes, I thought that was a strange question to ask. I wasn't aware that there is an inability for some people to wink.
;-]
>.-
There are too many differences between who I am and who I wish I was. It might just be easier if I said what the similarities are, because it would take less time. But alas, I feel like I don't belong anywhere I've been, which is strange because I usually try to pick the places I hang out at; I feel alone, even with so many friends, because I don't have the best friend that I tell everything to and I distance myself from my family, I destroy every possibility of having a boyfriend; I am never good enough. I am the sibling that wins silver instead of gold, and the friend that doesn't quite make it into to the limo because I was one place short of being invited; I am the girl that gets a 79 on a paper when I need an 80 to pass a class; I am the girl that puts a ton of effort into everything but the results always come up a second too late, an inch too short, a failure- too many times. I am the girl that almost won the scholarship, the girl that almost started in the game. But I never quite get it.
I think who I wish I was, really makes me who I am. I wish I was perfect. And I mean that in the least cliche, way possible. Seriously. I don't mean perfect to others, I want to be perfect by my own standards. Perfect,to me, means doing well in school and being a star athlete; it means having a boyfriend that hugs me and kisses me and whispers more poetic things than ILoveYous, something about how the stars can't constellate a more beautiful twinkling than my eyes and smile. Perfection means being versatile; it means not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes; it means having money and a reliable car; it means being the popular friend that is always invited and always welcomed; it means always having someone to talk to and someone to give me advice. It means having a family that I can be proud of, a family that I love. There are so many other things to being perfect, but all in all, it just means going above and beyond the typical 19 year old girl. Until I reach that state, I am striving, believe me, I am striving to become special.
why can't I sleep?
Good question; sleep, nowadays, is the only chance I have to escape my worries; ironically, I worry about many things before falling into dream/nowhere land.
I've been thinking about transferring schools lately, which adds to stress.
I think about someone I love and how he doesn't love me.
I go on AP way too much.
My body aches all over.
I can't stop thinking about how awful my birthday could be.
I can't help but wonder when was the last time somebody wished me a goodnight's sleep, and really fucking meant it.
Am I in love?
It's hard to say, anymore.
I was in love, for a long time. Typical girl fell for her best friend, but never told him, type of story. The stupid part is, I accidentally pushed him away; he already goes to school hundreds of miles away, but in reality I pushed him further. He might as well be on another planet, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to contact him. And I know it's not a tweak in the gravitational force; he is running around on his own world, ruling an entire planet, not even caring about me anymore. And guess what! He is perfect. I don't mean the "perfect for me because when our eyes touch the same path, the sun shines brighter". No, I mean, he strived to be his all and everything, and he fucking reached it. That's why he's all the way on that planet. He knows he's perfect. So he can push people off his planet and invite others on at any time. and I'm jealous of that.
On days when I do think about him, I cry for hours; I cry for him and us, for what we used to be together; for what we probably never again will be. On those days, I feel the pain of being in love.
do I flirt with guys/girls I would never date?
Sometimes. They usually flirt with me, first. It gives me the eh-okay and I just follow suit, like a fucking trick of cards.
am I currently leading someone on?
I'm not sure; you'd have to ask them.
do I lie about trivial things just for the hell of it?
I usually have intentions for lying. My favorites lies are over the phone, to my family. I lie to keep the conversation more simple. Do you get along with your roommates? Yes. Do you have enough money for books? Yes. Was work okay tonight? Yes. Do you ever say anything other than yes? Yes.
Ironically, I hate being lied to, because I always meet that unfortunate circumstance in which I find out that I was lied to.
are there people in my family I secretly don't love?
I secretly hate my whole family, with few exceptions. I think I love my brother, my dog, my cat, one aunt, one cousin, and two grandfathers. I have a humungous family, so, that's not saying a lot.
I try to avoid looking in the mirrors after I shower. Showering, to me, is a refreshing restart to any time of the day. In the morning, a shower means wake up and smile because today you can be someone different. A shower in the afternoon means take a deep breath and just forget about the morning, forget about who you were because you know you can be better than that. A shower in the evening means holy hell, you made it through the day. Take a second and relax, forget about everything because when you go to sleep, today doesn't matter. I try not to let my disappointing reflection destroy all that my shower gives to me.
Names I consider beautiful:
Decley
Desman
Delilah
Mika (mee-ka)
do you read to escape your own life?
I used to. Now, I try to read to broaden my knowledge and overall versatilability.
But sometimes I miss the escapism from certain novels, so I read those on occasion as well.
do you ever forget who you are?
Hopeless cases could say "always" or "never", it really could just go either way. I'm not really sure who I am all the time; I might say never, to this one. I don't think it's a matter of forgetting, but a matter of disbelief and ignorance. I mean, if you break it down to categories and stereotypes, I could tell you exactly who I am; female, 19 years of age, vegetarian, student athlete, trumpet-player, Sabres and Yankees fan; etc. The list goes on. There are probably other people that fit that description, but it's that special combination of being, perhaps, a Sabres fan and a vegetarian that limits the amount of people that are similar to me, to just a small amount. But if you ignore all the categorical things I just told you, yes, I forget who I am sometimes. I forget what I'm doing here, three hundred miles from home, two hundred miles from my best friend, in a place where every day I pose the question "why", a thousand times. My answers are never good enough.
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