to be honest i had to go on dictionary.com just to remember what a verb is. yeah i am not a grammical person but if i had to choose my favorite verb it would be quiver. i hope i got that right ha.
where did your name come from?
my mother, she really loved an actress from the 60's and now she's super popular, I'm sure you've heard of Audrey Hepburn. My mother told me she saw how big my eyes were and wanted to name me after her because of that. i like that she spelled it differently, and in truth i feel like maybe that's the only thing i have uniquely all to myself. i mean i know there are other girls with the same name and spelling but they are very very rare.
what is the difference(s) between who you are and who you wish you were?
it's rather pathetic but there is a huge difference and i could make up a storyline about the girl i always wished i was but never will be. she's able to dress any way she wants, without having to go to the fat girls store, she has the longest hair but not too long too look weird on her, she's into vintage things, and wears odd outfits that fit her personality just right.
not frumpy, or tomboyish with dented in cheekbones, a long face or sad eyes.
she carries herself with a sense of knowledge that most people are attracted to and doesn't let anyone make her feel insecure or with drawn and above all else she doesn't get hurt so easily as i do. she'd also be able to change her name as much as she changes her hair color, and she's never afraid of change but approaches it head on.
sorry i got a bit carried away with my imaginary self.
what are your insecurities?
too many to count but the more prominent ones are my weight, my face, my emotions and how strong they can be, and my lack of self reliance.
i am pretty much a downer with a good sense of humor, but it tends to back fire at times.
i've always felt like a trash can, where you can just unload all your shit onto me and i'll take it with stride and then break down later on on my own, and the sad part is i always let it happen. my insecurities come from my mother as well, so it's like a combination of our insecurities and things that have been told to me that i know are true but fail to work with.
why can't you sleep?
i don't have a job or anything to get me tired, i worry constantly about not having a job and how it makes me look, i tend to think of past love lifes and what went wrong and how to stop it from ruining my current love life, i sleep with half my body off the bed and wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares that are realistic and awful. i pray a lot, and talk to god or myself to a point where i tend to get lost and think of other things. my thoughts never want me to sleep i guess.
is your regret fading?
this is a good question but i am unsure how to answer.
i do not feel like they fade. they more or less appear when i call them out, or if i see something or hear a song or anything that reminds me of that regret, usually a person. i will never forget things, it's just not my way of being, and i don't know why i even try. my memory is always very vivid and i remember the most intricate details, and i even remember times and dates and what the weather was like when he left me. you know.. insignificant things that you wouldn't want to pay attention to but you did anyway to get past the unfolding of that specific event.
how conditional are you morals?
it's always undulating between rebellion and then what you were raised to be like. i do stick by the treat a person as you would want to be treated. more or less i slip and sometimes the difference between right and wrong are blurred, so maybe i don't have to many morals but i try to hold on to some.
what do you say to yourself that makes it alright?
that's the thing, my mind will never really believe me even if i tried to say it's alright. in the end i still cry, i still beat myself up, i still tear myself apart and come to the conclusion that it isn't alright and i guess maybe that's just the only way i can convince myself. it's a weird battle in my head, my heart always knows it will be fine but my head is really convincing at times and i usually break down anyway.
are you in love?
Yes i am. it's scary and wonderful all at the same time.
is it normal to still be sad over past relationships though? i don't know.. i feel like i don't love them anymore but i still feel the sadness of being left behind and i get scared and think it will happen again. i am a negative lover.
are you in love with more than one person?
No. of that i am sure of, because if i was still in love with 1 or 2, i'd be in agony and i wouldn't be with noe. i couldn't put him through that, it isn't fair. i do believe that i had at one point loved them but i was wrong about them and they didn't love me the way i had thought they did. Noe loves me, and if i could explain how i really would but it would be a novel so to keep it short and simple, you just know, and the mutual love thing is amazing and i have never had that with 1 & 2, so i am hoping i am not wrong again.
how often do you want to be someone else?
every so often, mostly when i leave the house and i have to walk around in public and i see girls with tiny waists and happy smiles or snotty looks on their face knowing that deep down inside i couldn't ever have that kind of a look on my face. i don't know.. maybe everyday for that matter. i just don't know how to like myself enough. heh
can you wink?
i guess, if you can see through my chubby eye lids ha
do you flirt with guys/girls you would never date?
i have before, just out of wanting attention and my god i have gone pretty damn low at the bottom of the barrel with some real lookers if you know what i mean, but i guess that was then and this is now and i don't feel i'd ever have to do that again thank god.
it's sad what a girl will do just to feel good about herself, and for all the wrong reasons.
are you currently leading someone on?
No. i don't need to, and i honestly don't feel like i have before, although i have gotten some guys saying and thinking that i did. it's ridiculous.
do you lie about trivial things just for the hell of it?
not for the hell of it. i do lie for a reason and mostly it's because i want to feel like i know something that person doesn't or that i have a story to tell when really i don't. whats sad is it just comes out and i hate that so much about myself. but i do admit i have come a long way i used to lie about more stuff and now it's just small stuff. i guess i'll always be somewhat of a liar.
do you believe in karma?
oh yes i do. only thing i wish i was around to see it. i have never felt vindicated in anything and sometimes i still wish i knew for myself that the person who hurt me or has hurt someone i love has gotten theres but i still like to think they did.
do humans have souls?
yes they do, and when they meet the soul that compares to theirs they get married in this ritual of melding together and never parting even after death.
or so i'd like to believe.
are there people in your family you secretly don't love?
possibly. i think i go back and forth with my grandfather. i love him because he is my grandfather and i have always known him to be a certain way. but then knowing what he did to my mother and my aunts and the hurt he's caused and the whole molesting and violence that has gone on in their home and the fact that he isn't even my mothers real father is what gets me to be a bit distant at times. it's so complicated because i never saw that side of him but because of him my mother now is an OCD, over emotional, person who thinks she knows what everyone is thinking about her which is about 100 percent negitive and untrue because it's really what she thinks of herself and what he's told her over all those years. all those years of abuse and abandonment, she's told me everything and i have to live with knowing that and i have to smile and pretend i don't know what he's done to my mother. it's exhausting and i hate it. please forgive me, i honestly open a lot on here because i have no way of expressing it and i guess maybe i use these surveys to get them out, i don't know but i hope you don't think i am being a little TMI on this. if so i am sorry.
are you jealous?
not lately but i have found myself being jealous of past girls that have talked to noe that still do and i know its stupid but i guess it's an insecure thing and also from being cheated on but i really am not worried about him doing anything, just the girls, their viscous!
do you avoid looking in mirrors?
full length ones yes.
it's a crack in my heart every time i see how i've let myself go.
and yes i could lose the weight but i guess i got used to self medicating with food and i need help for that which i don't have at the moment but i try sometimes. it's pretty damn hard.
what is a name you consider beautiful?
oh wow, i love names. i think all names that have meaning and can really stand out have a beauty to them on their own, especially ones that go well with the person and has a story behind it. if i could name every baby that came into the world i'd so do it! i love them, their my passion and i can't wait to have children, in fact i have a list of names already. pretty strange i know but they are something i hold very dear to me and i like to think of new ones and middle names and stuff like that. i love naming animals too thats so much fun.
do you read to escape your own life?
i used to.
ever since i moved in with my boyfriend and his family i have not had time nor peace and quiet to read and delve into my psyche of make believe. that hurts to admit and i kind of want to cry about it but i wont. i mean just today i was thinking i really have no way of escaping the chaos at times like i used to. i used to go for walks and bring my music and just think, sitting at the park and watching the traffic lights and just getting lost in my head and sorting out my thoughts and feelings and i can't do that now and i am torn apart because it's something personal for me to have and it's been taken. i can't do that here because well the neighborhood isn't as safe as my old one. i guess i'll figure something out sooner or later or i'll resort to self destruction, which isn't good.
do you ever forget who you are?
i never really knew who i was and i don't know if i ever will. i mean who do you know who you are? i am a wisher. i wish too much. in fact i am not a realistic person, i dream too much. i guess that's saying who i am? i don't know how to tell you that i am the most indecisive person you'll ever meet [or read about]. i go back and forth and i never really know if that answer was really what i wanted to say. but i guess one day I'll narrow it down to one. I'll be able to acknowledge the fact that i am who i am and it's going to have to stay that way and only if i am ready will i'll be able to change what holds me back.
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