I have answers

Defenestrate. If you don’t know what it means, look it up. It’s a wonderful word.



According to babynames.com, it came from Greece and means Pearl. There really is no back story to my name though. My mom was going to name me Cassie up until she laid eyes on me. Apparently I just looked like a Megan. I’ve never really understood what people mean when an infant just “looks” like a certain name. I mean, a mother sees the child they have carried inside of them for nine months for the first time, it is covered in blood and amniotic fluid, it’s screaming it’s head off, looks not unlike an alien for the first few hours, and the first thing that comes to mind is “She looks like an Alexis”? That just seems weird to me.



I wish I was thinner. More driven. More devoted to my studies. Had more faith in my talents. I wish I had the ability to just stop myself from caring too much. I wish I had a sort of callousness to the world around me. Then again, I don’t wish any of those things avidly. I’ve sort of become resigned to who I am. I have hopes for who I am becoming, because I know that I will change many times throughout my life and will most likely never stop changing. But some things will never change and I guess I’ve just come to accept that as fact.



I am insecure about the way I look when I’m naked. I am insecure about my writing because I never quite think that it’s good enough to be published or even have a shot at being published. I am insecure about wearing my glasses in public. About the unevenness of my breasts. I am insecure of being my total, true and complete self. I have running lies with everyone because I don’t trust for people to accept me fully if they knew the whole truth.



My brain won’t shut off. I think about all the things I need to get done in order to move forward in my life. I worry about being alone for forever, about having to give up my dreams and settle for a mediocre life that I don’t want. I relive bad memories and conversations gone awry. I think about what I should have said, what I should have done, how things should have gone.



Regrets are a waste of time. They are the past crippling you in the present.



Not conditional at all because I have very strange morals. In order to compromise yourself, I believe that you have to be extremely left or right wing and that is no way to live. No one side is going to have it all right. So I live in the middle. I mix my logic with my feelings and come to a conclusion that works for me.



I’ve lived through worse. I can pull through this.



I hate the term ‘in love.’ I absolutely, positively loathe it. Saying that a person is in love tends to lead that same person to later on say things along the lines of ‘I love you but I’m just not in love with you’ or ‘I just fell out of love.’ I firmly believe that once you love someone, you never stop. If you have the ability to stop loving them, you never honestly loved them to begin with.  I think that claiming that you have fallen in love with someone gives you a sort of scapegoat. It leaves you clear of blame or guilt. You couldn’t control falling in love and, down the road, you couldn’t control falling out of love. To me, true love is what happens when all the butterflies have flown away. It’s what happens when you take down your fake, happy go lucky demeanor and stop pretending that nothing they say or do bothers you. Loving someone happens without choice. Truly loving someone does involve a choice. I think that every serious relationship comes to a point where you have to choose whether you love that other person as a friend or as a partner. Do you love them enough to commit to the good and the bad or do you love them enough to let them go so that they can find someone who can? I believe that society has sort of accepted this sunshine and puppy dog mentality about love. That it’s something that, once you are with the right person, you never question them or your feelings for them. That you will never question your ability or desire to stick beside them. But you do. And you will. And it’s perfectly normal. Just like the love that a person has for God is often questioned and doubted, so will a person’s love for another human being.

Sorry for the tangent. BUT to give you the information I believe that you were looking for, yes. I do love someone very much.  I have for a very long time now. I have made the decision that I am willing to have him for better or for worse because I love him just that strongly. I question it but at the end of the day it is just inconceivable that my life should ever not involve him.



No. I care for more than one person. I emote for more than one person. But there is a trump card in the bunch. All the other boys are like pretty stars in the distance. He is the full moon taking up half the sky. There really is no comparison.



Never.



Only one of my eyes. I am not an ambidextrous winker.



Yes. I like to flirt. It makes me feel good and will brighten almost any day.



Nope.



Never for the hell of it. There is always an underlying reason.



Very much so. You get back what you put in.



Yes. We are in trouble if we don't.



No. I don’t secretly unlove anyone.



Depends on what and whom you are referring to. I get jealous due to certain situations. I am not naturally a walking pot of envy though.



No need to avoid it. The image is the same whether I do or don’t.



Amelia. I will name my daughter Amelia.



Yes. And also just for the sake of reading.



No. I never honestly lose sight of who I am.