Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

reacquainted

Ah, I feel her warm embrace take hold of me once again. She was taken from my arms for two months time

 

Oh that day, my heart was ravaged by one hundred daggers plunging deep wanting my life praying for death.

 

I was stripped bare of my love, of all I new and cherished by the powers that be.

 

The air is filled with your pungent aroma-that perfume of the forest-a connifer sent-a piney tease.

 

Please come dance with me just once more before the warmth of the fireplace, where we spent so many nights entwined as one. 

 

Oh please won't you dance? One last time for memories sake. One final embrace would last my simple soul a life time.

A contest entry

so..how does it look?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Fire-Fly
    November 19
    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm - now I know it's listed as being 7 lines - but it's not exactly the 'short' poem I requested lol!!!


  • ZenCat silver member
    November 7
    Edit | Reply

    So very touching

    Unrequited love is the soul's growth and the ego's torture. You've captured it here.


  • Debbydoes
    November 6
    Edit | Reply
    "one hundred dagger plunging deep, wanting my life, praying for death"

    I know that feeling! and for nearly the same reason.

    line 8 is very interesting, this person was one who loved the outdoors, the forests? she that carried the scent of the fir trees, therefore a "piney-tease"

    I like those words together- "piney -tease". sigh, I love the forests, also...so these lines really pull me in.

    the sadness at the end is a bit overwhelming for me, and I wish that the person pleading could have, not that last dance, but a lifetime of dances.

    I suppose that "by the powers that be" indicates a death, and to that I offer deepest sympathies, if this is a true to life depiction in poetry form.

  • oneheartstring
    November 6

    Edit | Reply

    great ideas

    I feelwhat you are trying to convey. - rework so that each stanza is 2 lines

    DID you mean knew or new? Repugnant or pungent?

    Split the last stanza into two

    Take out some of those superfluous words - your readers are definitely smart enough to understand - use hyphens. You know how.

    I suggest , respectfully:

    "On that day, my heart was ravaged - daggers plunging deep. I prayed for death"

    imagery is fantastic - keep working. Good luck!!!!