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Deadly

I was slapped
  Now I am hugged, not to remember her hand
I was beaten
  Now I  laugh hoping to never experince it again
I was bullied
  Now it stopped, the bully somehow is in a casket
Students missed at least 2 days out of school a month on the cause of bulling
  Now 75% of bullies are expelled left with no hope, life, time to bully, or education








Author notes

November 22 - National Stop the Violence Day (USA)

Tell me what you think. Do you think I could have done better? How can I improve my poetic ways?

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Comments


  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    November 6

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    Welcome to Allpoetry

    I'm sorry but you are not eligible to enter this contest. This contest is only open to members who joined the month of November, the only exception to this is if you joined October 31st. Your profile indicates you joined on October 29. Your entry will be removed.

    Tammy
    Greeter Coordinator.


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    November 3

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    Welcome to AllPoetry

    I like how you've put statistical information within the poem though it seems a little random how it was placed; I won't give suggestions as Laura has given good ones

    All in all though, this is a good poem
    Thank You for Your Entry and Best of Luck!

    I hope you enjoy AllPoetry and continue to share your words with us
    ♥
    Stay safe
    ~Manda
    Site Greeter


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    November 3

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    Welcome to Allpoetry

    The idea here is good, but the last two lines sorta killed the mood; going all statistical on your readers is probably not a good idea, unless you're writing an essay, which requires citations. I liked the line about the casket, though; that was very good.

    My suggestion would be to use more poetic language in your writing. Not necessarily big, frilly words that no one knows the meaning of, but ones that bring out your poem's true meaning and give emphasis to your message. For example, talk about how those slaps feel; do they burn, or echo through an empty room? And what about the hugs; are they the warm and fuzzy kind? Do you feel safe when someone touches you this way, or does it totally creep you out? Those are the kinds of things that will allow your readers to better connect with your poem, & you.

    Thank you for your entry, and keep writing!

    Laura
    Site Greeter


  • bunnyslasher157
    November 1
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    wow... Good Job