Here’s to another year of not talking to your ex best friend whom you learned to love so dearly; you learned that there was something special about his hugs that made you smile with a happier illusion than you ever thought possible, and you learned what it’s like to have that feeling permanently torn away. You learned what it’s like to not get a happy birthday wish from him, even something like ‘happy fucking birthday, I hate you’ would have been more thoughtful than no wishes at all.
Here’s to another year of never being good enough for the people that you live for, because you don’t know how to live for yourself. You never put enough hours of studying in to get that fucking A, and you never work out hard enough to lose those extra pounds; you never go out enough to actually have a social life; you never perform well enough in practice to play in the games. You count your laundry quarters carefully because you don’t know if you worked enough hours this week to pay for food. You take two showers a day because when you look in the mirror, you are disgusted at the girl staring back at you; a repeated calamity of failures, of your wishes that never came true, of self confidence issues, and a tangle of words that are supposed to spell out the definition of satisfied, if only you could rearrange them to fit your family’s expectations.
Here’s to another year of no wishes, no packages or gifts in the mail, not even a thoughtful card, no text message at midnight and no phone call during the day or hell, not even an e-mail; especially not on your birthday; no flirty winks in weeks, no hugs in months or kisses in years, no ‘Jordan, you’re beautiful’ s in a lifetime.
Here’s to another year of being you;
happy fucking birthday.
Author notes
I turn 20 on november 20th, and this letter is like skimming a novel of self hatred and self doubts that my mind is filled with.
In a list
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This was interesting to read. It was well done. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest. Keep up the good work!
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Just recently, October 29th, was my best friends birthday. I didn't call her, either. It's a long story, but know that I relate.
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Honestly, this made me tear up
this poem is full of so much pain, I wish I could erase it and write new words that would make you hurt not so much. This is beautiful though, in a breath taking, pain staking way. And you couldn't have said it better.
It kind of made me think of how all the really pretty and popular girls get giant balloons on their birthdays from their friends and then I never get shit from my friends on mine...yeah, it depresses me slightly. I'm sorry.
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wow. now that the bashings done. time to look at the positives.
beautiful people never do see the real beauty in them. its true.
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well I'll be sending you lots of happy birthdays on that day you are beautiful and if others can't see that then they are blind... I see your beauty just by reading your words
Sean
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