Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
hanging their yearnings on each timbered stud,
discovering life is not as it seems.
A future erected in sweat and blood,
my cracks hold their heartaches, my stains their tears,
hanging their yearnings on each timbered stud.
I’ve withstood decay through the passage of years
and heard every whisper, felt every blow.
My cracks hold their heartaches, my stains their tears.
I recall every frill and bibelot.
The ownership changed, but I stayed the same
and heard every whisper, felt every blow.
I know stories of glory, tales of shame,
dark dramas that played out before my eyes.
The ownership changed, but I stayed the same.
Paint hides the problems but wood never lies.
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
dark dramas that played out before my eyes,
discovering life is not as it seems.
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
silent observers who never will share,
often the witness to life’s petty schemes.
Many’s the time when I wanted to glare
at malice that tainted my room, being
silent observers who never will share.
Each nail opens eyes quietly seeing,
but no limbs can comfort the souls who cringe
at malice that tainted my room, being
trapped by the limits of plaster and hinge.
My feelings are veiled ‘neath mountains of dust,
but no limbs can comfort the souls who cringe.
Like blueberries bubbling in rich pie crust,
I am clothed in color but dark inside;
my feelings are veiled ‘neath layers of dust.
Cherishing laughter while sorrows abide,
shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams.
I am clothed in color but dark inside
often the witness to life’s petty schemes.
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams
sharing in battles and romantic nights
as we bear their passions at both extremes.
Sometimes I feel the force of their fights
or hear their anger behind shuttered door,
sharing in battles and romantic nights.
Great parents present an esprit de corps,
not letting the children suffer their wrath
or hear their anger behind shuttered door.
I think millions of playmates crossed my path.
I watched gentle hands embrace them all
not letting the children suffer their wrath.
When termites dined I required overhaul,
resigning mem’ries to worn picture frames.
I watched gentle hands embrace them all.
Mutely staring, fearing only the flames,
shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
resigning mem’ries to worn picture frames,
as we bear their passions at both extremes.
Author notes
1. a wall
2. a triple terzanelle
The Terzanelle is a poetry type which is a combination of the villanelle and the
terza rima forms. It is a 19-line poem consisting of five interlocking triplets/tercets
plus a concluding quatrain in which the first and third lines of the first triplet appear
as refrains. The middle line of each triplet is repeated, reappearing as the last line
of the succeeding triplet with the exception of the center line of the next-to-the-last
stanza which appears in the quatrain. Each line of the poem should be the same metrical length.
3. http://karezoid.deviantart.com/art/Judgement-91589984
4. 2 hyperboles and 1 simile.
Hyperbole is a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is not meant to be taken literally.
1. millions of playmates
2. mountains of dust
Simile is the comparison of two unlike things using like or as.
1. Like blueberries bubbling
pronunciation notes:
Bibelot (pronounced be-ba-low): a small household ornament or decorative object
Bubbling (two syllables, pronounced bub-ling)
Esprit de corps: (pronounced es-pree de core) : the spirit of a group that makes the members want the group to succeed
traditional formatting to illustrate rhyme scheme:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
hanging their yearnings on each timbered stud,
discovering life is not as it seems.
A future erected in sweat and blood,
my cracks hold their heartaches, my stains their tears,
hanging their yearnings on each timbered stud.
I’ve withstood decay through the passage of years
and heard every whisper, felt every blow.
My cracks hold their heartaches, my stains their tears.
I recall every frill and bibelot.
The ownership changed, but I stayed the same
and heard every whisper, felt every blow.
I know stories of glory, tales of shame,
dark dramas that played out before my eyes.
The ownership changed, but I stayed the same.
Paint hides the problems but wood never lies.
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
dark dramas that played out before my eyes,
discovering life is not as it seems.
----------------------------------------------------------
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
silent observers who never will share,
often the witness to life’s petty schemes.
Many’s the time when I wanted to glare
at malice that tainted my room, being
silent observers who never will share.
Each nail opens eyes quietly seeing,
but no limbs can comfort the souls who cringe
at malice that tainted my room, being
trapped by the limits of plaster and hinge.
My feelings are veiled ‘neath mountains of dust,
but no limbs can comfort the souls who cringe.
Like blueberries bubbling in rich pie crust,
I am clothed in color but dark inside;
My feelings are veiled ‘neath layers of dust.
Cherishing laughter while sorrows abide,
shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams.
I am clothed in color but dark inside
often the witness to life’s petty schemes.
------------------------------------------------------------
Shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams
sharing in battles and romantic nights
as we bear their passions at both extremes.
Sometimes I feel the force of their fights
or hear their anger behind shuttered door,
sharing in battles and romantic nights.
Great parents present an esprit de corps,
not letting the children suffer their wrath
or hear their anger behind shuttered door.
I think millions of playmates crossed my path.
I watched gentle hands embrace them all
not letting the children suffer their wrath.
When termites dined I required overhaul,
resigning mem’ries to worn picture frames.
I watched gentle hands embrace them all.
Mutely staring, fearing only the flames,
shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams,
resigning mem’ries to worn picture frames,
as we bear their passions at both extremes.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 9 - Top Nine by Laura Lamarca.
1150 points, ended November 5, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you think I could improve this poem?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wooden Witness
First impression: 8/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 9/10
Flow: 8/10
Cohesion: 4/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Write's "profound" effect: 8/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 105/115
Oh goodness. I find this so odd.
"Esprit de corps: (pronounced es-pree de core) : the spirit of a group that makes the members want the group to succeed"
I was just talking about this phrase with a co-worker the other day. I had not heard it before and she used the phrase while we were chatting. So cool.
It's that old cosmic circle poking out its head again...
I loved the poetic devices you incorporated. Excellent.
"I’ve withstood decay through the passage of years" I tripped up here a bit. Maybe even out the syllable count to match the rest of the lines would smooth it.
"I've withstood decay through passage of years" Seems to flow a bit better.
and I tripped a bit here: "Sometimes I feel the force of their fights"
Maybe: "Sometimes I feel the strong force of their fights" to even out the syllable count in this line from 9 to 10.
and here: "I watched gentle hands embrace them all" might be smoother as "I witnessed gentle hands embrace them all" Perhaps? Evens out from 9 to 10. Of course this is a repeating line and would need an edit in the repeat as well.
Terzanelle - though form but you really did a fine job with it. Loved yoru rhyme in this one. You truly make the wall come alive with feelings and care. Depth of spirit I think and you have done well incorporating your given image.
Well done. I can tell you have put a lot of time and effort into this one. ~Pamela
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Wooden Witness:
First impression: 10/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Write's "profound" effect: 10/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 10/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 115/115
well done!
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"shoulder to shoulder we shelter their dreams"
That was stunning.
I am not familiar with this form. The content seems firm and well spoken. Some repeats I found overly repetitive but I am a nit-picker on repeats. You write with firm emotion throughout. Spoken well; you took prompt right to the spot it should be.
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This particular form calls for so much repetition that I decided to format it so that it would be less obvious. When you read the specifications you will see that I had no choice in the number of repeats that I had to include. I'm so pleased you liked that beginning line. It really was the crossbeam that held the entire poem (to extend my metaphor.) Peace, Liz
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long....and full of great stuff..lol..i really like how you kept to the form but you still manage to draw me in..nice imagery and use of poetic devices here...great personification as well..a wall...now that's not easy
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Let's face it...walls just aren't that interesting so this truly was a challenge. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Peace, Liz
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Man, this was long, lol, but you pulled it off. This is a new form for me, so I cannot compare to others, but from what I see here...you made the form look like something brilliant. Great stuff, good luck.
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I know. I felt like the Energizer Bunny...going and going and going.
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Nice form and author's notes. The repeating lines work well since they often shift meaning slightly the next time they are used. Laura sees our capabilities because everyone is stepping up to the plate on this challenge.
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It is getter tougher but each new challenge brings out something new in the competitors. I love rounds contests because it is so interesting to stay with the same group of poets over time and watch the progression. Peace, Liz
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Oh my Liz, this is just truly amazing. You took on the life of that wall and all its secrets brilliantly. I was mesmerised by the whole piece. A terzanelle is not easy, but a triple:?O
There's an old saying 'if only these walls could speak. what tales they would tell'
Not sure who wrote it
But ijn this case you did it and so masterfully! 
My best wishes with this
Gaylene 
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It is so interesting that you would quote that saying because it was in the back of my mind as I was writing this. I like the terzanelle form although with three of them the repetition might seem a little overboard. Peace, Liz
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Oh, my heavens... I can't even wrap my mind around this form! I loved the repeating lines and am so impressed how they just flowed together time and time again with meaning. This is just excellent!
Best wishes,
Kris
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I love forms that rhyme and although I have never written anything quite this long before, I enjoyed the challenge. Thank you for your wonderful comment. Peace, Liz
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