A mother of two carries three Walmart, environmental-friendly, shopping bags to her four seated SUV, antenna waving a five star scaled American flag.
Sammy just needed that six dollar soccer sweater, specially woven with seven sweat drops of an uneducated, foreign eight year old whose left foot was amputated from the ninth bomb America dropped, ten years before proclaiming war.
Author notes
prompt: in 60 words exactly,
“We buy our way out of jail but we can't buy freedom,
We buy a lot of clothes when we don't really need them,
Things we buy to cover up what's inside.”
- K.W.
instead of writing about how we cover ourselves up individually, I wrote about how America tries to hide its flaws by waving its flag around and pretending everything is hunky dory.
Sammy is the daughter of the mother here.
I used the numbers one through ten in this piece, counting the number of "things covered" by the flag.
i might change title to "ten years". thoughts?
In a list
A contest entry
- something of a quicke 4; just write. by Tzipora.
550 points, ended November 6, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite quickie. by Mango Memories.
400 points, ended November 26, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you dislike, so I can edit.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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bravo!
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wow.
that's amazing, as usual.
xx
Ado
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A very clever piece; I can see why this one won gold. It's kind of a sad piece, though I really loved the counting - very creative!
Bookmarked!
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Congrats on your gold trophy. I REALLY loved this piece. So true and it's sad that things happen like that. Lovely way of expression. Beautiful job. I am going to have to add you, very good writes you have here.
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First of all; congrats on the gold. I can see it was well-deserving of this fine piece of work. I think the title is fine as it is. In the first stanza, I think it would read better as "environmentally-friendly Walmart shopping bags". The use of commas makes it slightly confusing. I like the ironic and tragic message here of a luxurious house wife being compared to a sweatshop worker. Well done. Pen on.xx
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I definitely see what you mean with the comma thing, I'll think about it : )
thanks for reading!
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wow
you wove in one to ten in the american consumerism..but why did you highlight 6 in there...i am befuddled at the momnet as some thing seems to be lurking as a special emnaing here -
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idk, alliteration. i like titles that are lines from my poems, and i just liked that phrase, that's why six is in the title. thanks for commenting
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Wonderful thought provoking write. I loved the counting up to ten bit. fully deserved the gold. Congrats
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'Ten Years' certainly sounds better or it could be 'Ten Commandments'! You do roll, young friend.
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Honest
Very honest write, like the way reality is presented here, bravo! -
Very thought provoking. As the realization dawns, it leaves a weird taste in one's mouth.
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Nicely written in truth and depth of thought...very creative and sad take on the prompt.
Best to you!
mystic
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this is really nice. loved this write.
thing is you didn't have to give me the explanation. either its common sense or im weird but i saw where you were going with this. nicely done.
this write surprised me. definitely made me think ahhh, very true
thank you for entering. -
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thank you very much
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oh wow. i totally didn't see that coming, so sad. wow
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sad knowing there are sweat shops all over the world taking atvantage of kids
you wrote a powerful poem here Best of luck in the contest
Sean
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very thought-provoking.
a sad truth.
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I like the current title. No dislikes here, at all. You have written this well. I could envision the woman, walmart, the flag, all of it. Nicely penned.
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