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November 1, 2009 - The One Left

The One Left

In the beginning, all things were good

soon lust-coveted neighbors became greedy

nakedness was shamed, avarice remained

succumbed to rivalry, brothers were slain

Values were endorsed to attribute good

laws distinguished evil acts

displeased Gods became the explanation

battles ensued as territories blurred

Covenants were required to assure order

punishment was installed to enforce covenants

tribes set customs embedded with sacred rituals

order required a chief, a shaman & warriors

Tribes co-mingled with interlocking treaties

boundaries followed natural barriers

wars set dominions, plundered & enslaved

armies enforced kingdoms

Righteousness ennobled the just

justice favored power

power soon crafted values

might and valor overpowered ethos

Dissent was annihilated

prisons begat evil and filled

meek became the mark of weak

wealth bestowed power

Despondence swept the land

power was promoted by resignation

created equal was soon denied by elitists

hope waned with its fore fathers

Trust died with deception

might dictated justice

free will released the conscience

unless we become really angry, Hope dies

A contest entry

Is the viewpoint of dark your reality?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • manatee
    November 6

    Edit | Reply
    I like the mytho political feel of your poem. It's like a prophet's voice. -The Manatee

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 6
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed.
      bjarne

  • Coldwater
    November 6
    Edit | Reply
    A very big poem in more ways than one, things we should all take in, but we wont,
    that would be too easy.
    Regards.

  • churchill
    November 6

    Edit | Reply

    imposing

    You have crafted an exceedingly strong message well founded. Like the form, strong language and important lesson. It is your makr to never forget hope. Excellent writing that defies the reader to ignore the message. Well done!

    churchill


  • secberm
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    I gotta admit, when I read this, I was jealous. I wished these words came from me. LOL The flow is incredible. Gonna have to peruse more of you later.


    Write on.

    Dez

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 3
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for stopping by and your very kind comments.

      You are welcome any time.

      bjarne


  • azlyn gold member
    November 2

    Edit | Reply
    AMAZING! This is outstanding...I loved every thought and sentiment...purest truth shines from this verse. Thank you for sharing this b.

    U...

    Az

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 2
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      You are tooooo generous! Thanks much!
      bjarne

  • dawnslight7
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    one to ponder

    The craft that went into this writing is extremely impressive. You have marched through history revealing man/civilization's weaknesses and errors. Your poetry is clear, exacting and with tremendous import. You have used language like a hammer and anvil, like an artist's brush and in the end revealed so much to us. Very pleased with the last line. Thanks for a great reader experience.

    regards,

    dawnslight

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 2
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate you stopping by and leaving such a kind message.

      bjarne

  • kandinsky9
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    lots to think about

    Excellent take on the prompt. You have step by step taken us down the path of error and misdeed. It is a solemn write but so well done. Fantastic language and a straightforward style I like. Thanks for offering a little optimism at the end. A very substantial write all elements well engaged and executed.

    kandinsky

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      I appreciate your very kind and generous remarks.
      bjarne

  • worley281
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    important words

    I am glad I stopped by today. I would not have wanted to miss this one. Your critique of society's errors is so well done. The organization, flow and excellent word selections have created a really memorable poem. I am honored to read these important words. Please keep writing you have such talent.

    Thank you,

    worley

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate your very kind and generous comments. Thanks for stopping by!
      bjarne


  • ivoire gold member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    eloquent

    Your understanding of humankind's misdirection is impressive. This poem is filled with wisdom and a possibility. that is where your dark writing differs from others. You always see the hope.. Liked the title as well as the content.

    ivoire

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate your support and generosity!
      bjarne

  • stratford471
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    impressive

    I truly enjoyed reading this thoughtfully written analysis of our civilization. To have condensed and organized in such an effective is certainly art, thought and craft at their best. I appreciated that you included an element of hope.

    thank you for this very creative posting,

    stratford

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      I appreciate your remarks and thanks very much for stopping by!
      Best Wishes
      bjarne

  • iroquois silver member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    profound

    A very interesting and insightful poem. You have exposed the error of man's ways et your final line offers hope. Enjoyed the language and the way it builds to the conclusion.

    iroquois

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate your loyalty and support.
      bjarne

  • louvre4
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    a very fine poem!!

    As the previous accolades document so clearly this is a wonderfuly written poem filled with wisdom. Your long view is an insightful one with much to ponder. Thank you for the excellent posting with lots of meat on its bones.

    louvre

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate your support and kindness. Thanks for stopping by.
      bjarne


  • poetryality silver member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    It is not often that I say this but...

    WOW!

    You have given an accurate account of our demise from beginning to end. This is stunning, and I read each line with great urgency. I am sitting here shaking my head! My goodness! You gave us a history lesson of the world in this well written work of words. I wish you well in the contest.

    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for stopping by and most importantly for sharing your most generous comments.

      bjarne


  • solitaire
    November 1

    Edit | Reply

    well said

    Like your response to prompt. I found this poem clear, insightful, direct and very good. Though as you note not your genre you have handled masterfully. Like your use of language and of course the passion wrapped around the poem.

    solitaire

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I appreciate your very kind comments and more importantly, your continued loyalty and support.

      bjarne


  • tommy1207
    November 1
    Edit | Reply

    artful & articulate

    Impressive analysis and message very finely wrought. Like the language and flow.
    Excellent posting.

    tommy


  • GotLilt
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting form and some words of great import. I like the way this describes the decline, step-by-step

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Best wishes as you move along and judge the entries.
      bjarne
      PS
      Dark is not a usual genre for me, but I thought I would give it a shot...
      b


  • AngelBellerose gold member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    this is awesome you rocked this one in for the words you have penned are truth in Hearst sought I so agree .. thank you for penning and sharing you heart and mind to let others see the words that really mean something in this world of our..many hugs always Angel♥

    • Bjarne gold member
      November 1
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Angel

      Thanks for stopping by and for your generous comments.
      bjarne

1 - 31 of 31