Once new, I was bestowed as birthday gift.
My silver skin lay cradled in her hand,
a testament to his disdain of thrift
and elegance he hoped she’d understand.
My pointed nub could never glide as swift
as skaters moving quickly down the strand,
but I lent gravitas to written word
composing sonnets he had never heard.
Together we wrote verses strong and deep,
a symbiotic pair who shared one soul,
until the day he made my mistress weep,
and his deception took its bitter toll.
I heard her crying softly in her sleep
and felt an anger I could not control.
With frenzied energy she held me tight
as we inscribed our hurt throughout the night.
I scratched the parchment with my murky ink.
The words exploded from a harried brain
before we each had time enough to think,
each line a jagged fissure from the strain.
My brackish blood became the only link
to illustrate my owner’s psychic pain
and soon her tears and mine became as one,
not drying till her last missive was done.
Author notes
1. a fountain pen
image credit: Montblanc_Mont_Blanc_Meisterstuck_Solitaire_Sterling_Silver_Fountain_Pen
2. a triple ottava rima
An Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octaves. Each line has 10 syllables in the following rhyme:
three octave poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii
3. http://6artificial6.deviantart.com/art/This-is-murder-126123765
artist: Krzysztof Adamek.
4. 2 examples of assonance and 1 simile.
Assonance: harried brain; frenzied energy
Simile: as swift as skaters
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 9 - Top Nine by Laura Lamarca.
1150 points, ended November 5, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What are your thoughts on this poem?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I unlike Pamela would have given you at least 9/10. I was impressed...Good stuff, Dan...
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As Empathy Flows
First impression: 7/10
Relative to prompt: 8/10
Creativity with prompt: 6/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 8/10
Flow: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 8/10
Poet's personal effort: 8/10
Write's "profound" effect: 6/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 6/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 92/115
Mechanically, this is a perfectly executed Triple Ottava Rima. Ottava Rima is one of my favorite forms
- one of my favorites because of the ability for the poet to incorporate complex and flowing rhyme to convey intense emotional responses from his/her reader. Used effectively, your reader can become mesmerized in the poetic beauty of rhymed words.
"but I lent gravitas to written word
composing sonnets he had never heard."
I loved these two lines in particular. They certainly portray worth and value where one may not easily recognize it.
You have used your poetic devices well, but I found your simile a bit weak and think you could have written a stronger one. However, it is simile.
All in all, as stated, mechanics are right on, but somehow, I wanted more emotion from this piece. I wanted to know what happened; was she harmed, was she hurt, was she that horrified banana in the image? I don't really know here, I only know that she and pen wrote away the pain, but never really solved anything.
I wanted - more. I wanted more complex rhyme in this poem as well. It just seemed too standard fare for me with the prompts and the poetic devices offered.
I did enjoy this but feel as a writer, you have much more to offer. ~Pamela
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As Empathy Flows:
First impression: 9/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 9/10 (only 1 example given of assonance in your AN)
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Write's "profound" effect: 10/10
Rules followed: 4/5 (required 2 examples of assonance; "ied" is only 1 example)
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 110/115
laura.
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This form doesn't do much for me; so I don't think my comment would help here. But I do know the content itself is well expressed and as always, you did a stunning rhyme job
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tough form ...glad i didn't have to do it lol! and a great job with the personifcation as well..i can imagine myself holding to a pen..well maybe more the keyboard..lol...nicely done
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Fabulous!!
Very well done Ottava Rima! I loved the story here and how you carried this personification off so beautifully. Makes me wonder what my pen must think when I write
Best wishes,
K
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loved this. i think this ottava rima knocks the one i did [for the auditions] down by a landslide...great stuff.
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Oh how brilliant! You had tears forming in my eyes (over a fountain pen!) by that last octive! Not an easy form, but this flowed so beautifully, one would never see it as a form and I think that speaks volumes about how clever the writer is!
Marvellous personification and I love that ending!
Best wishes with this brilliant piece
gaylene 
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