Tasty tangents of chocolate,
inspired morsels of bitter bites,
my neurotic sidewinders
all conspire to derail an otherwise
imperfect day;
the local weather-forecast
has banned sunshine,
my heart weeps incoherently
replacing well scheduled nonsense
by flashing long forgotten hurts;
never-mind such idiocy,
it keeps me passive in an insane world
hooked on self-delusion
where vanity is a specialty profession
disguised as attractive social fabric;
perhaps I should simply give up
my identity acquired by stealth
or maybe impersonate someone dull
or someone inanely undependable?
Nah! maybe I should just go back to sleep...
What? Sleep? Mayhap some more chocolate
to sweeten the acid burps
disguised as banal necessity
that emanate from the burned-out
rubble of yesteryear's failed prognostications?
Actually, a long time ago
the decision to never repeat
mistakes of my elders blinded me
to the inevitable: I am them-they are me
and that is as pathetic as can be...
Bah! Old men, old testicles,
broken dreams, broken spectacles,
women age so much more sensibly
evoking fleeting glimpses of glimmer
sparkling away into never, never land...
My quest for something better,
albeit hard come by,
keeps me going somewhere out there
with chocolate all over my face...
Author notes
O r a c u l u s
This is spur of the moment poetry written to enter this contest, as I found it to be a wonderful idea and type of contest where we can truly be the actual poets we are...
A contest entry
- The Writers' Circle: Read, Review, Respond, Revise by MusicBoxMetaphor.
2300 points, ended November 10, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
TRY TO STICK TO THE POETRY AND NOT THE POET...
Comments
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Since this was a finalist, I wanted to thank you again and remind you that this really is a work worthy of praise. Not only was it fantastic to see it grow from beginning to end, but the piece itself wonderfully demonstrates the escape sweets present from the bitterness of life. I particularly loved
"Bah! Old men, old testicles,
broken dreams, broken spectacles"
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Allow me to thank you...
This was a most invigorating contest of a refreshing kind and lots of fun. The poetry absolutely won hands down everywhere and everyone mellowed out in the end and got down to business of writing and evaluating poetry: magnificent feat dear Mia! You get one million points (virtual) for such creativeness...
In the previous comment there are several responses from me: one/ random spot thinking is just that in my brain where this poetry was formed, and thus the ellipses rush is actually the real me at diverse times;
two/ 'hard come by' is the past tense of the intended verb-vernacular (Canadian slang) that tells us this was in fact difficult to have achieved as opposed to the 'hard to come by' that denotes scarcity of access to obtain;
three/ the sudden questioning is precisely what it is: sudden and out of context: I am questioning myself as to what my actual real-time purpose is at that moment in the conscious sphere of my mental ramblings; hence the awkwardness of posing semi-rhetorical questions to myself;
four/ nothing but drugs, which I do not use, can keep me passive except for my own decision and thus the need for the active form of the passive intention; otherwise it is truly a neat and funny point you have put forward (lol);
Once again, Mia, thank you for having me in this contest, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and thank you all the wonderful contestants, for such insightful and sincere criticism, regardless of the sparks that fly in the heat of the exchange...DW
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I liked this piece, it had the flair of a mind racing with the thoughts of a crazy world. Where everything and everyone is held up to some invisable measure. Where age is rejected as heading towards senility and youth and beauty are the things that are most prized along with sex and riches of course. Maybe you could slow this down so that the reader could enjoy it and the contemplationand yet I think the fast pasced stream of consciousness was exactly the idea. It shows the depth of a mind, one that is not just filled with frivolity, one that thinks in terms of consequence and the future and is not totally stuck in the now. Great work hun, I enjoyed it and I don't think you had choclate on your face in the end at all,
Hugs, Bunny
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This piece was quite a rush, and therefore took much effort to slow down and critique it.
Here's what I came up with:
Since I did feel this functioned as a rush, the ellipses used seemed out of place. Perhaps consider omitting those "..."s? Especially at the end, in which there is a determinate pause of sorts anyway (especially when there is a lack of punctuation).
Towards the end of the poem, you say "hard come by" when I think you mean "hard to come by." But this is a well-known, cliched saying, so you may consider replacing it anyway?
In the line "or someone insanely undependable?" (it's somewhere in the middle) you pose a problem. None of the other statements ahead of it appeared as questions, but you did not separate those clauses from this one, so it makes everything a question. You may need to make the statements before form a sentence so that this question can be differentiated.
I really didn't have much more criticism, but did have one more suggestion. In the line "it keeps me passive in an insane world" I thought it might be funny if you make the sentence itself a passive sentence: "I am kept passive in an insane world." Just throwing it out there
Best of luck though!
-Mia
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In the 7th line there is an extra space between has and banned. Just bugged me a bit, simple mistake. Anyways though as I read through and noticed the line breaks I had to start asking why they were where they were. This piece follows correct grammar throughout (for the most part; maybe some missing commas?), so that's why every beginning of a line isn't capitalized, but why make the decision that this word will be the one where one line ends and the next begins? Is it to control the flow; I don't really think so, because there are a lot of lines where it feels like the flow should continue from one to the next so I ignored that idea. Maybe it already has a point, but if not why not make a few lines a bit longer and vary it up a little bit? Maybe it can make it easier to read some of those flowing together statements if they are all in one, longer line instead of shorter ones that are broken into separate lines?
I would probably also recommend breaking this up into two halves; perhaps after the part where the person is mumbling to themselves about just going back to sleep... That seems a good place to change the poem around and go a different direction with it (plus it just seems like it could use a break in there). The two rhymes in there (maybe one was a bit strained but it felt like one) didn't really add anything either I think, I would alter it just enough so there wasn't a rhyme at all. That always distracts from a piece that goes without rhyme I feel. I don't quite like the work myself; certain elements about the language used just aren't of my taste, but I can see the effort and it is your own style. Other than my advice and differing styles I don't have anything else to say, so that's that. -
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Thank you for the comments 333
What we have here, I said what we have here is the closing of the previous communication gap that might just have nibbled like bored piranhas circling some unappetizing morsel of bait? Your insight is valid,albeit from a different perspective than mine, thus giving us contrasting poetic values, which after all is what poetry is all about. Your own rewritten piece is in its final form a much desired improvement of true vibrant poetry, thus justifying the overall commentaries from all of us collectively. By the way, do you drink alcohol excessively at times? Just wondering ... DW
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I will stop by to comment tomorrow, but as a reminder:
***Final date for comments that count towards the contest: Tomorrow, Sunday, November 8th by midnight.
Final date for revisions towards contest: Tuesday, November 10 by noon.***
The contest will be judged on Wednesday, November 11.
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Dear Oraculus
As per the requirements of being a fellow competitor in the contest please excuse my critic.
I will start off to say how much I liked your poem and that I enjoyed the alliteration that you used. I would think a little more of that could sharpen this poem up and put it right at the top of the preliminary finalists list. [Yes I enjoyed this allot
]
The poem easily be divided but I do think that you should leave it to not disturb the gripping pillar that you have build with your word bank.
Wonderful use of grammar and punctuation.
All the best in the contest.
Becks
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Dear Becks: your crtique needs no excuse, it is you and your Muse!
We must allow our poetry to become public property once we have posted it, and thus it is the responsibility of any true poet to comment as they are led by their inner poetic essence. Your appreciation is a great boost to my otherwise scarred history of... Thank you for evaluating... DW
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Originally I thought the frame of sherbet-eating (sans r) imparts absolutely nothing to the poem. Upon consideration, however, I think this is a poem about the projection of one's repressed qualities onto the world, and then the impending realization that one is no different than everything else: "The mistakes of my elders blinded me/ to the inevitable: I am them-they are me".
Sherbet: an exercise in dredging up gilded nostalgias: "the local weather-forecast/ has banned sunshine" ... Oh, the shame! Back in my day, the sun shined until ten p.m. and every day was a summer! Sherbet enforces and foreshadows the "banal" realization that nothing has changed, or even that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
That said your word choice is stilted and often intangible. (The critique grows teeth now as I acknowledge I am something of an imagist, and that will be the agenda of my suggestions.) I feel nothing upon reading "sane in an insane world where sanity is scarce": you're on the right track with "the rubble of yesteryear's failed prognostications", though. That said prognostications is a ridiculous word replete with more functional, more associative synonyms. I wish prognostications did not exist in our language, or any language, ever. I advocate choosing one of the lovely synonyms.
This was not particularly pleasant to read: partially because of the font's coloration, which I should critique just as I would critique Danielewski et al. for their silly, silly colored words which are considered part of their works' form. I don't think wished this to signify anything by being presented specifically on a gray backdrop with a red font, though.
The other reason it wasn't pleasant to were the (slightly) vapid abstractions. For abstractions done right, enforced by scathing imagery, I'd point you to Eliot's Four Quartets - if you need a model (Eliot: "the poetry does not matter". Lol).
If you would like to make it more pleasant to read you could cultivate more reverberant imagery or wrap the abstractions more tightly around the images (another Eliot: "fancies that curl about these images, and cling") for an altogether more tightly-woven piece.
I think the interplay between this piece and the idea behind it is fairly well communicated. I think the writing ought to shine more. -
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Provocative!!!
Well now, this is a heap of fine, constructive criticism that must've taken some thought and time: thank you for the input. I think I shall sober up and take to heart some of the suggestions you propose as they are enviable and thus useful. I would be lying if I said Sherbert was a spelling mistake, it is not; Sherbet, however, is by far the right word: kudos! None the less, the stiltedness of my vocabulary is how I actually think at sundry times (?) so now what?
The coloration will be changed immediately, although it is cosmetic; but then again so is lipstick. As for wrapping the abstractions round the images, one must preconceive that the random thoughts on a dreary day, which trampoline bounce about in my neuron network, actually have clear, specific images as opposed to somewhat obscure memories and blurred pictures that plague my consciousness, round which they can wrap! How was that?
OK, I'll try if some of them are more malleable now that they have been evaluated than when they were written. Eliot did say to ET he'd help him get home, so maybe? Let's see if we can get this to shine increasingly more and more... DW -
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If you had said smudged motionblurred blacknwhite photographs, or something like that, you would have had me, although the trampoline is nice : ).
This color is better and soo much easier on the eyes. I suppose stiltedness isn't bad in and of itself: but it must be vivid! What I am actually bothered by is that some of the stilts and the abstractions have linked hands in the poem's red sunset (lookit there - an objective correlative) and the real issue is not the engorged vocabulary but rather a lack of some level of tangibility: something close enough to touch, or to see.
Based on your reply I certainly believe this will be rainbow sherbet before the contest's end.
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Your title drew my attention straight away but once I read the poem in full, I don't understand how it relates. Perhaps something different in the vein of "Confectionery Thoughts" would work better in tying into the voice of the poem?
I do appreciate the first person perspective of the poem. It's not a simple accomplishment to write in a narrative tone and not lose the poetry in the starkness. And I very much enjoyed the vocabulary you used here - there are words that don't usually find their homes in poetry (such as sidewinder!) and yet seem nestled in comfortably here. My favorite part of the piece is:
"What? Sleep? Mayhap some more chocolate
to sweeten the acid burps
disguised as banal necessity
that emanate from the burned-out
rubble of yesteryear's failed prognostications?"
It made me smile and then made me think a bit on the hidden meaning of the words.
I don't necessarily think that you should adjust the punctuation or capitalization but I do think that the poem would be assisted if you would consider breaking it into stanzas. Smaller, bite sized morsels, if you will forgive the pun & use of your idea!
But altogether, I do like this piece very much. Thank you for sharing your work with us & best of luck in the contest.
- Bean Sidhe
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You're a workaholic Bean!
Thank you for your valuable comments; assisting the poem with bite sized morsels would unfortunately puncture the idea delivery of the individual thoughts, and thus make it another poem: don't wanna do it! Mind you, it is tempting to make it into a machine-gun delivery; only, it does not fit my Dinosaur personality: I'm not the Raptor type... DW
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Not spectacular...
...as the writer says. I fear it has all the attraction of that Russian novel, Oblomov, where the guy does not get out of bed.
To-ward the end, I smiled. Yes, we do turn into our mums and das, and sometimes hear ourselves saying things we promised we never would ('Don't do what I do, do what I tell you'), or generally bluffing our way through, making up rules on the spur of the moment, while the child believes there really is a bumper rule-book, on which the parents draw.
The only problem with chocolate, as with smoking and other vices, is that not enough research has been done to make it positively essential for good health. My view.
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He! He! He!
If something is not spectacular, does it mean one does not need specs to read it? The point is precisely that: nothing spectacular but daily life thoughts rifting in poetic but unspectacular formation. Chocolate, on the other hand, is quite spectacular and although so gooood it must be sinful, probably quite good for health as it stimulates and enhances our aphrodisiac needs; what say you? ... DW -
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Choc choc choc!
I don't need any aphrodisiacs, me, oh no! On the other hand, if there is any particular brand.....
E
Incidentally, you still have not put your username in that spaced way in the Notes.
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For me this was, funny. I think you really did capture the essence of human thought. Just how oddly a person thinks and it makes me laugh. I like that it is all one fluid thought and that should remain as is. Because I see your point we as people think in one fluid thought but we jump from topic to topic. I can say it could use maybe a little more of the random thoughts but that all depends on how much the narrator really thought at that moment. What also makes me laugh is the last line.
nah! maybe I should just go back to sleep...
That there, is without a doubt the funniest line. Just reminds me of how insane the mind of a person can be. It was the perfect way to end this poem because it makes you feel like you really did just wake up out of nowhere in the middle of the night and start thinking about all these random things and like everyone else you shrug it off and go back to sleep. I think overall it was a good piece. -
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Astute perception!!!
Dear Jayzu, please forgive me for having robbed you of the funny ending, as I simply had to move on in the random thinking process bubbling in my mind. But, you're right on in the evaluation: there is no real 'full stop' in our fluidity of thoughts as humans. Except for the odd upper case, the poetry is as it came out of my pen; the main point being that once a poem is published, it is no longer really mine, but it belongs to the reader/s and therefore I added to it, hoping to possess it a short while longer?... DW
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I rather enjoyed this poem. There are a couple of things I would take a second look at, though.
1. Capitalize beginnings of sentences or lines.
2. Add some different punctuation. Some of the spots where you use a semi-colon can have periods instead. It gives more finality to the thoughts you are having.
3. I don't understand the relationship of the title to the poem. It sounds more like ice cream thoughts with the mentions of chocolate at the beginning.
4. I would tweak the ending. It almost seems like a throw away line. I would maybe relate it back to having more chocolate instead.
Look forward to seeing what you do with this. -
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You have a sharp sense of propriety; appreciate it...
Dear Alexis, thank you for your suggestions, they are certainly worthwhile contemplating. Different punctuation, though, would change the identity of the poetry, something I would be loath to do, and thus I shall have to deny you the action. However, there are surely points that I have acted upon, as you also mentioned I ought. Thank you for your comments, they are welcome...DW
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