Morning came swinging from under the lip of the moon,
Throwing the fireflies into a daze
So they fell one by one,
Covering the ground with pinpricks of dying light
The insurmountable majesty of the valley,
Its facsimile thrown, two dimensional, in black,
Absorbed the exhalations of the dwellers it embraces,
Wove them together with dream shards
Eyes twitch behind closed lids, breath snags on imagined rocks
The paralysis of the limbs doesn’t hinder the yearning to shift,
Step from cushion and reach between Taurus’ horns,
Lose thought and mind in exchange for the goldest currency
In the pauses between the static beeping,
You breath
Filled with bits and pieces of who you are, who you want to be
Author notes
"I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary."
- from poem 'Variations on the Word Sleep' by Margaret Atwood
Comments
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Very Good
I liked this piece - the 1st and 3rd stanza's are awesome. The 2nd stanza felt a little forced but the imagery is good. The last stanza seems a bit short, but I still liked it. In the 2nd stanza I would use 'absorbs' instead of 'absorbed' and instead of 'dream shards' I would use something more like 'shards of a shifting dream', I think - for me anyway - those are the two parts that make the 2nd stanza feel forced to me.
On the last stanza after "you breath" I would add something ummmm...maybe something that has to do with fog or something else light and airy, like "breathing in the twillights' mist" or something. That would make it tie in with the last line very well and it wouldn't feel cutoff.
Then again that is just me and my taste. I DO truly love the 1st stanza - it really pulls you in. The imagery you create of dreaming is awesome. I would love to see you turn this into an epic tale. That would r0ck. PeAce
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nice, beautifully written
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Well done!
Not bad, you've definitely an eye for interesting vocabulary.
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