The arrogant brick walls of the city
Seem so far gone now; blending
With the teal pastels of the aged sky,
Peeking through the tarnished clouds.
No threat of raindrops to impede
The distance of this moving city.
But that one persistant cloud follows
Heaving rain overtop of your umbrella.
Though you've journeyed far from home,
Drew the storm, baited it with your skin,
There's still rain at your doorstep.
A contest entry
- Click 70. by perfectsunset.
625 points, ended November 14, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very wonderfully composed.
I enjoyed your concepts.
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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It's a fairly good peice of work but it kind of sounds a bit choppy.
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Excellent imagery and wording but it just feels cluttered. Lots of unnecessary prepositions and articles. Great ideas on paper but it just needs revised.
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The intro could be stronger: The pomposity of brick barring the city / Seem so far gone...
I hate to write other people's stuff and this is just a suggestion but
The arrogant brick walls of the city
does not draw my attention. It is telly and I don't want to be told. So the brick is arrogant--who cares?
The rest of the piece seems to flow well although you have a lot of articles you could get rid of. I see 'the' a lot of places where you could axe it. Remove 'that' from L7. Can you think of another word for 'storm' in L10 without actually saying the word 'storm'--maybe 'swell' instead?
Seem so far gone now; blending
With teal pastels of [the?] aged sky ((or you could use another description for the sky's age--timeless? immortal?))
Peeking through tarnished clouds
I think I've given enough food for thought. Thanks for allowing me to read.
jdb
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