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stone birth




and this is meant to demonstrate the way
i would miss your death
even if i had faced mine
first

from beneath the stones
do you think i could still hear you calling
on that number i make sure
i didn't accidentally dial
every single time
i wake with my ears
ringing
and ringing
and

ringing



and because nobody's home
we still build our habits
upon the mistakes of others
we find so desperately attractive

is that why you breathe that smoke
out from your gums
not long ago touching the most intimate
places on your mother
when now you don't touch any
at all

is that why i
throw those papers out the window
the neighbor brings them back
says i think these words are yours
but he's
wrong

these words are
more yours
than anything
has ever been.























What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?

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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • manatee
    November 2

    Edit | Reply
    I like the poem's exploration of seeking validation in others, the "desperately attractive" nature of significant relationships. I'm particularly fond of the evocation of the papers and the eyes: some times love and affection are returned like the prodigal words, sometime not--the ringing, and ringing, and ringing . . . -The Manatee


  • girl shaman
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    suggestion:

    do you think i could still hear you calling
    on that number i make sure
    i didn't accidentally dial

    - do you still think i could hear you calling
    on that number
    i make sure i didn't accidentally dial(?)
    or
    i made sure i didn't accidentally dial
    that number, the one i could still
    hear you calling on.

    or i dunno, it just sounds a bit off to me, but that's just my opinion hun.

    either way the rest was fantastic! as always hunnie


  • none the less.
    October 31
    Edit | Reply
    brilliant.

  • primal-things
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    I'm loving happy-angela. This is really amazing.


  • swim.x
    October 30
    Edit | Reply
    you rock.

  • wwiii
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    I liked the symbolism of the second last stanza - trying to rid ourselves of the fragments of someone that we've become. You finished well and I liked the rough edges. Cheers


  • tuesdae
    October 30
    Edit | Reply
    awesome.


  • stasis
    October 30
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing.


  • emma...
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    o.o
    the last two stanza just like
    srowefijwoefjsdlvmsdlmsodfj
    woah.
    bookmarking.
    you amaze me.

    • heavenbird gold member
      October 30

      Edit | Reply

      thank you.
      i really feel really self conscious about my writing lately, and it's good to know some people still like it.


  • Candy Morphine
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    screw your emotions; you can write with talent just as well

    Proof:
    is that why you breathe that smoke
    out from your gums
    not long ago touching the most intimate
    places on your mother
    when now you don't touch any
    at all


  • wave1080
    October 30

    Edit | Reply


    is that why i
    throw those papers out the window
    the neighbor brings them back
    says i think these words are yours
    but he's
    wrong
    Damn good , I love it


  • Matt E. Smith gold member
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    this is very good. some people are very hard to forget.

1 - 26 of 26