I am the insect
on the windshield of karmic bliss
the drivers lost control,
we're headed for oblivion
I wonder, I wonder,
what it will look like
in those milliseconds before I burn away ?
will the image brand like the sun in my eyes?
and will it always remain?
Author notes
Looking for grammatical criticism, or maybe a word here and there to help make it flow a little more naturally. I've been a member of the group for a while now, but this is my first time posting anything for review, life has kept me busy/uninspired the last few months but I feel it slowly returning.
This is an intro for what I intend to be a longer poem, maybe, someday.
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Sun in my eyes
Personally I only use a capital to start a line if it is a new sentence, and with enjambment, they can happen in mid-line quite often.
On request, because it presently has minimal punctuation, it does
not take advantage of full meaning, by directing it.
CONSIDER: I had to take time
I am the insect on the windshield of karmic bliss.
The drivers lost control; we're headed for oblivion!
I wonder, I wonder, what it will look like
in those miliseconds before I burn away? [milliseconds]
Will the image brand like the sun in my eyes?
And will it always remain?
MEANING
On request, because it presently has minimal punctuation,
it does not take full advantage meaning, directing it.
"I am the insect on the windshield of karmic bliss. " (period. )
The pause contemplates you the insect, and how karma fits in.
[A very intriguing metaphor on several levels! ]
Contemplating the moment of sudden death, "Oblivion"
--does cognition continue?
How would you ever prove you remember?
"The drivers lost control, we're headed for oblivion."
( Capital, period, )
Two separate thoughts were separated (correctly) by a comma.
Two thoughts with DIFFERENT subjects, (driver, we) use a semicolon.
"Will the image brand like the sun in my eyes
and will it always remain?"
Remembering after death?
(If so, "near-death experiences" have shown consciousness
continues even when in hospital a patient cannot revive.
Many cases exist.
Having had one such during an operation, I know it can happen.
Tosillectomy as a kid. I "floated" out the window, remember
the pigeon turds on the outer windowsill, and then the pain
on waking.
Much later:
Extreme fatigue while marking English exams in the wee hours,
suddenly there I was looking down at myself, coloured pencil
in hand, silent --and
I floated out... later returned from my "dream" surprised to
find a poem in my handwriting, that I had not written.
I'll post a link to that. It blew me away as I read it!
"Cosmics"
All the questions (lines 3 to 6) needed answers.
Many years since I remembered that poem but it may
answer yours. Thank you for reminding me.
Terry
PS I decided such a long poem does not belong here.
I am moving it to its own place.
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BEFORE I START: Generally:
Thank you Graeme! What a wonderful gift you have sent us!
We should invite Matt Holck to become a member here too.
Anyone else?
What we have here is a superb opportunity to compare its
form in several ways, with minimal change (because really
it does not need much.) The final decision remains your own.
My expertise in Grammar I call Standard or Classic.
(Other less polite names have also found me.)
It will always be correct, based in long history. Another
recent version exists in Britain (or did it evolve into a
form of Usage too?) Roy can help with that.
Please feel free to evaluate also with current Usage,
(sometimes different in Australia, NZ, Canada, USA) Current,
I said because it is in flux, based on recent speech.
I have said that I do not have illusions about own poetic skill.
Lucky sometimes. As for critiquing, University studies of
Old Poets across five centuries in both English and French
have comfortably meshed into attitude and appreciation.
I do find recent poetry somewhat challenging at times.
Still learning.
Terry
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I'm an insect
on the windshield
of karmic bliss
the driver (could add 2 syllables here)
has lost control,
we are headed
for oblivion
I wonder, I wonder,
what it looks like
miliseconds
before I burn
will the image
brand in my eyes
like the sun mark
will it remain?
4 syllables lines -
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Thanks for the very welcome "discussion." Hi Matt !
Personally, I like the shorter lines too, and the way it organizes thought into the three main ideas. Right on!
--Not to suggest that the original version was wrong.
(Two more syllables would have matched 5-4-4-5 but only if smoothly chosen. Not essential.)
I go by sound not by numbers for meter. (matter of opinion)
Some poets may not know that an unpunctuated line of poetry reads orally on to the end of the next without pausing. There is even a name for it, "Enjambement," and with short lines many of them in a row are acceptable. There is a caveat:
Without commas etc, totally unpunctuated longer poems would have readers gasping and breathless! In fact that, and to draw attention to details, is why we add commas! Much meaning is lost. Where a pause belongs, a comma (or other) is needed.
What happens without, is that it becomes a very fast read!
Poets who have written with no punctuation for decades need not argue about this. The message was not directed at them--
They already know that readers also have the option not to read.
Well done, Matt. There is also such a thing as tying it up with too much punctuation, not a problem here.
Terry
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I like the idea of breaking it into smaller portions but I find the flow a little less natural than it would be in the form that I've written it. This could just be a product of the bad habits I've developed as a writer with little grammatical instruction or because I write to music in my head, my poetry, is generally written as a song as opposed to poetry in the strictest sense.
The only point where I think it "sounds" better is adding in the away after "before I burn away" and on the next lines:
Will the image
brand in my eyes
like the sun AND
will it ALWAYS remain?
I like the idea of having always, because of the idea of its permanence. I know timing/meter/whatever are considered important aspects of poetry and are things are should be more conscious of, but I also dislike the idea of sacrificing flow (or working around it) to make the piece follow the finer points in the rules of poetry.
What do you think? Does it sound better divided into those lines? I read it differently than in the way I've structured it, but again, this is because I have no formal education on the matter so maybe how I am reading it is just incorrect.
Thanks for the input Matt/Terry, I've found it extremely helpful and I'll most likely be making some changes in the next day or so.
I also think Matt would make an excellent addition to the group. -
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I wsn't fter the finally form
I only note it seemed to move on 4 -
More on this tomorrow.
Graeme,
What a wonderful thing it is to find here, new poetry of such quality!
In case it hides above, I would not be surprised if "Cosmics" reaches you too. Forty years it was a deep secret--it just did not fit anywhere in AP either!
I decided to post it elsewhere for comments, to avoid contaminating yours. It is long. No one is likely to read it here anyway.
(Please forgive my pessimism. )
Heaps of thanks,
Terry
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