Damned in Nostalgia

… Madness….
Don’t even know the meaning of the word….
No longer do I, even bother
With such foolishness

Dare tell me, who is mad?
Dare challenge my very words

Make a deal—
Name a price—
Make a bet—
Name a bargain—

Let’s seal it in blood
Bonded forever—
And only, ever

Welcome to,
What was once called…
My world

The air is dying
Smells so bitter

The ground is ashes
Of hope and love

The sky—
Oh, the dreadful sky
Not even the slightest speck of light

No need to eat, drink or sleep
Hatred fills my hunger
Tears quench my thirst
Sleep…I dare not wish to….

Because all I see… is him

All I hear—
All I taste—
All I feel—
Everything and anything… is him….

Just the mere thought, you might say…

Drives… me… mad….

But, please…
Hear me out

I respected—
Nay, admired him

You might say…
I was in love with him
WAS, ha
I still laugh at the thought

My desires of him, were not of lust
Surprisingly, I… cared for this man
Never have I once did ever cared for someone
He gave me life itself
A reason to hope—
To dream—
To finally become… myself

Lost in the tempting eyes
Trembling to the demanding touch
Draw to the intoxicating scent
Secure in the protective arms

But, the one thing that I was seduced to—

The heart
The very sound made me melt

You can say, I was in pure bliss….

But—
Even so, it didn’t last….

My heart—
What’s left of it, anyway….
Was crushed, burned, and torn apart

For I, had feelings for him
He... just simply cared
He admitted to me,
That he had feelings for me... once
And only once,
On only one day...

But, ha, I pondered:
Why not make him fall for me?
At the time, it was an innocent thought
But, that tiny, sweet idea became something more--

Something evil and deadly

I may have fallen for him, in my heart
But my mind...
Was corrupted by this gentleman's touch

Tender, innocent, sweet...
It was simply heaven sent.

But--

This man had a beast inside of him--
Lust grew in his very stomach
This unsuitable suitor--
You might say... a wolf

I saw the wolf in his eyes--
But never, once, has he appear for me
The human in him cared about me dearly,
To never show me....

How sweet... venom in this words

As his hunger grew...
So did mine

We bit at each other
Clawed--
Scarred--
Bruised--
Bleed--

Aw, how much passion we had for one other
We appeared to hate each other--
Loathe, rather
But, when alone, affection took its' place

For all the marks we have,
We caress, kiss, nibble, suck, and so on...
That lasted in so, little time

Our passion came back with focus
He grabbed me roughly
He always took what he wanted--
But, he didn't...
He never took me like he should

Kindness, caring, niceness was in his heart
But...
If that was the case--
Why?

Why play games with my heart?
Did he... pity me?
Did he... use me?

None of this make sense!

This is what drove me mad...
Or, rather, insane....

He gave me a reason to live--
A reason to be happy and hope
He was good to me
Almost gave me everything

But, he told me to keep it a secret
To hide in the dark
To deny any word that said we were together....

Do you yet not see what drove me mad?!
Do you?!

I will give him the benefit of the doubt...
But, questions still float around in my dead world....

He told me to give him up--
That would mean...
He would have to die in my heart, soul, and mind

Even after his "death",
He still--
Lives on in what is left of my broken heart...
Hope struggling to live
But only...
To fail in the process....

The thought of it all--
The feeling!
I can't cry for him!
Even if he ripped out of my heart...
I wouldn't cry

However....

One thing I would fight--
Cry for...
Not my unholy love for him...
But, the bond we had to each other

We bonded to each other as friends
Only friends
Nothing more or less
If my love dies--
Fine!

But, if the friendship--
The bond dies--
I die along with it

If there's one thing I harshly learned...
From the first we said hi to the last we fight...
He will always be there for me
In sickness and health,
For richer or poorer,
He will always be there....

Not for love
But, for friendship

I may be damned in the past
But the future carries something pure
I am bittersweet for this, now, tempting man
Now desire him in a lustful way--
Which is normal,
But nevertheless...

I 'thank' him for all this
I 'love' him so much
And I 'hate' him with a passion

He can now rest in peace,
With no fear of going to Hell...
However, I can now sleep...
With the Devil forever--
And, only ever...