Retch

I sat at the table, finishing some equation; said equation magnifying the silence - both outer and inner –  my desolate existence found it too great for even me to tolerate.  “And yet,” I thought to myself, it seems that I only have myself to blame for this affliction of solitude…”

‘Yes, yes, yessss…’ hissed the voices as they once again interrupted the saner of my contemplations,‘….you, you, you….all of you….worthless, slut, deserter….yes, he touched you, he took you, he should have you…you fled the fat fingers, they possess you, he forced your purchase…your allegiance. Whore, traitor, wretch…you called him wretch, what are you, you little wretch? His, his, his, you, you….’

“Arghagharghagh!” as my hands flew to and clutched my head. In my peripheral vision, my brother’s head jerked up, his eyes bore into me, questions forming on his lips…but I couldn’t hear him. The music continued vibrating in my ears, the voices heightening in volume.  Neck bent, my own eyes could not hold back the torrent of salty emotion flooding them.

“…no, no…’ I pathetically opposed…

“yesss...” they repeated.

My whimpering hardened, “Go away. You’re wrong. You’re lying. I am not. He did not. He should not. I had to. They do not. It’s not my fault. I’m…not. I am sworn to God alone…”

My whispers fell with my tears, as my pleas rose heavenward. “Please, please, make them go away. I can’t, I shouldn’t, Lord, please….you hear them, too, make them leave me…”

I wish I could say He did….but my determination gave out before His relief reached me.

“No!” my voice and my chair defiantly slid across the floor.  My mind calculated. My eyes saw. This would stop. The antibiotic was only 3 people, 2 rooms, and one hallway away. Though not a cure, the symptom suppressant was not far away.

My thoughts followed me across the carpets and past the couch. They kept their cage within my mind as I entered the hall. And the bathroom door failed to halt their entrance.
My thoughts and the voices – they all spoke, resounded, and bounced off my inner walls in unison,

‘Make them go away….make us go away….make –... go… – away….’

My knees bowed before the porcelain altar, they gripped the base as my hands seized the seat and my chest heaving above. My offering – prepared from that morning’s meal - spewed downward. Acid and little leftover bits remained lodged in my stinging throat and on my gritty tongue.
It wasn’t enough.

“Again!” all speaking as one., “ are you afraid? Unable to face us? Shall we stay? Stay, stay, sta…”
And again it was. And again. And again and again and again. Until my stomach churned emptiness and only my breath remained to gag. Until my lips trembled, my mouth tasted bitter and my throat burned. Until my arms shook, until my knees could no longer grip and to the tile floor my body collapsed.

I cried. I had fallen and I had failed.
But…there was…silence. Finally. Silence.
They were gone. I was alone once more.