We began on the internet, chitting and chatting.
Moved to the telephone, bickering and blabbing.
I Finally boarded the plane, of my final destination.
To the place you call home, this central plantation.
We both started out, like two kids in high school,
unalble to release from the gravitational pull
we hung and we clung, like flies on dung,
yet here i set alone, when all is said and done.
Its funny what we say, in the heat of the night,
Just "ooh-ing" and "awe-ing" at eachothers sight
its amazing how swiflty everything broke,
I wonder who to blame, or how it provoked.
We call this love? In the passion of lust.
We call us one, to compensate glum
We started like i wanted, and ended with sorrow,
Now, i wish to get by, if just till tomorrow.
I thought we would work out,
But oh well i say,
i thought you fit the cut
but just not today.
We call this love in a world of lust
i call this another day
In the world of must
i had, have, cant' go without you
and now.......can't stand you....
A contest entry
- Your Voice by silverscent.
700 points, ended November 15, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I'm in two minds about this piece. I really enjoyed the beginning, I thought it was well thought out, it used original rhymes told the beginning of the story from all relevant angles.
However, as the piece went on I grew less fond of it. Toward the end it seemed rushed, forced and unfortunately didn't really say anything worth reading like the beginning seemed to promise.
You also have several spelling and grammatical errors in this piece.
Furthermore, maybe it's just me but "flies on dung" doesn't seem the best description for a new couple in a love poem, even if the piece ends in disaster.
But, on a positive note, I liked the opening stanza and the subject is well thought out and true to the time.
Thanks for entering.
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Yeah, I agree with Mike. This was a great write, expertly executed. nd I thought it got better as it moved along. Well done!
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For most people 'of an age' it's unsurprising that this is familiar territory. The reality of course can be distressing though you've successfully imbued this piece with such energy and style that I was instead thoroughly entertained.
Mike -
wow! great write!
^-^ i loved it...
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