Scrawl on wall
deciphering those undulations
that were inked thick and thin
black and pale sick
graphing in waves
morphing in alphabetical caves
swimming in paper surface lakes
a tail here
and a peak there
you had a message
my wounds' dressage
and an amour's adage
after my eye piece set in
and had them in focus and sight
I had lost the world and that fight
you had scribbled and artfully placed
that you were gone
with that sucker
after a long wait.
after a long wait
now I lip your name
with mind that is lame
hurt like a dead yet alive
and live a life
stabbed like repeated with a knife
now,with my blood
I scrawl on the same wall
morphed waving and galled
right below where you had done
oh! dearest wait was also mine
you did not know
all this while
I held the ache
and the pain
while my moon was on wane
and shining in some other lane
unfortunate that we did not meet
at the appointed nine
and missed the life and line.
Author notes
with that sucker
after a long wait.
poet sgking123
A contest entry
- they won't know who we are. by swim.x.
600 points, ended November 11, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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superb
you got me reading your super mature mush again-you must have some definitve brain that works up there-genius -
Thanks for asking me to read this! Sorry it took me so long to get to it. I don`t have any constructive criticism on it at all. As always, you have a great choice of words and flow to your write. It`s almost melodic. I could picture a magical little world as I read. Keep up the great work and keep sharing with me!
``after a long wait
now I lip your name
with mind that is lame
hurt like a dead yet alive
and live a life``
Beautiful!!!
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oops forgot clappies
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Another poem so intriguingly written. It is Everyman and Everyman's thoughts that scroll just ahead of reality, or just behind.
I am wondering:
"after a long wait
now I lip your name
with mind that is lame
hurt like a dead yet alive
and live a life
stabbed like repeated with a knife.."
This is a little obscure and it is, perhaps, too far off from that rhythm you have set. -
a deep tearing at the soul and a heartache that keeps crying out..a loss of love as well as self as though witnessed from afar and came as a surprise..painful but well written...thank you for sharing...
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I scrawl on the same wall
morphed waving and galled
right below where you had done
oh! dearest wait was also mine
Some great lines through-out but liking these best. Sometimes the best laid plans of ...and men get rearranged by fate and time. Very cool poetics here
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Intrigued by this write
You thoughts are very emotionally upfront..
The word usage gives a hidden meaning of messages
Sad and lost in your life, or that of another
Julie
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Ahh... there is much mulling in your mind, isn't there. I would suggest a different background, but otherwise.. a very nice piece with ivid imagery littered throughout, nice work.
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wow very powerful
This had me holding my breath
There is pain and sadness in this piece
you definitely make the reader feel it.
Thank you for sharing keep the ink flowing
fire
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I like this. It contains rich vocabulary. This had more of a lyrical type flow to it. I wonder what type of music would go with it...
Well, keep penning dear friend!
Rock On
•*~♥
Dax♥~*•
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this is king's great
I know the music that may go well wit this one-Tragedy by BeeGees-do you agree Daxteriana -
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Yes, that would be good.
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the language here is delectable...i love words...and this was a real feast for the word junkie.....nicely penned my friend
T
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A Great...
use of vocabulary....The imagery took me all the way through this piece as your story unfolded.The pain of the wait is evident here you describe it in such detail how you long for the one you loved but the time was clearly not on your side and fate had otherplans...this one was a bit conplicated to me..it too like your others can be decyphered in many different ways but I hope I got your intended meaning correct here. Thanks for sharing and again, great job!!!! Alot of hard work shown here!!!!!~~~~Toni~~~~
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well according to be quite a vocab used in here as im not that perfect at words
but this is truly breath taking...love it and the imagery it sets in..great job
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Oh, there are some fabulous images here! This is a great read- dark and sad.
Nicely done!
K
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Powerful!
"while my moon was on wane
and shining in some other lane
unfortunate that we did not meet
at the appointed nine
and missed the life and line."
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incredibly deep and dark draws you in till you can not escape, until you've read it all. luv it TB.x
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incredible...an amazing read...a mind trip, slipping inside the pain with ease and wicked images...so intriguing...couldnt stop reading...the urgency excites the anticipation...a mad rage underneath...i really dig this...well done
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Deeply thought out write. I love the first few lines. Actually I like the whole thing but the first part is my favorite. I'm sure to be reading more of your fine works.
Keep pen close to hand.
Sharon
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Daughter of Night
Well this is sad but written very well, i liked your choice of words you used. very good i like it -
This is full of wonderful imagery...I really enjoyed this one. =}
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Good job. My favourite part was the first stanza. I loved you choice of diction especially in the first part. An interesting piece over all.
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great write again hon well done
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A fine write this is
Wishing you well in all your writing endeavors
~Heavenly~ -
I see lots ofwriting in the first stanza: waves,
peeking, swimming, artfull message.
One can wait too long, and lose.
Not gazing at the same moon....
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I really like your way of writing, it really makes you think.
I love the structure that you used it flows nicely. Great write.
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A very deep and heartfelt write, thank you for sharing, Josie
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I really really admire this write. Alot. bravo!
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