A love so divine

You’ll never understand how much I care. How often you’re on my mind, how often you bring tears to my eyes.  I can’t ever focus because of you. You’re always on my fucking mind and it’s that I miss you so damn much. But I question, are you truly even worth missing? I think the reason I hurt so much is because, I don’t think your feelings are true. Do you even know your own feelings? Or do you not know what the hell you’re doing, but just doing it because that’s how you role? I don’t know you Tim, I admit that. I think I know you, but I don’t. But what I’ve seen of you, I’ve either loved or hated. And how much I desire to make the things I love about you constantly running through my thoughts. But the things I hate, I HATE with a passion. So I can’t keep it off my mind… just as I can’t keep how much I miss you off my mind. And I don’t hate these things about you because there wrong, I hate them because it hurts. It sticks in my head… I can’t control how my heart is feeling… I can’t ignore the feeling either…. Well it’s not I can’t ignore, because I know damn well I can. But I won’t. Because I’m smarter than to ignore my own feelings. It tears me apart so much that it’s automatically weighed upon my mind. If you cared, your business would be my business. Simply because you WANT me to know everything. It bothers me knowing how old you are, and knowing you still don’t get it. It makes me worried that as I get older things still won’t make sense, still. It is also sad, how when I tell you something… you understand it. But you let it daze away after a day or so. You seem not to regret what you do, because you just forget it. And I think that is what makes you think you don’t fuck up…. But all you’ve been doing is fucking up. Fucking up is when you hurt people that mean the slightest bit to you. I’m not here to put you down… I am here to possibly get this through that hard head of yours. You need to stop telling yourself, it’s all good; because it’s NOT all good. I think you’ve let the worst of you, get the best of you and it hurts to watch you do that. You are one of the most amazing guys around. And I know deep down inside you, you know how to treat a lady, Deep down you have a heart of gold. And deep down you know what you truly want. You need to listen to yourself and stop simply just living life. I hope somehow I can get this out of you…. Somehow I can help you bring out the best of the best of you, not best of the worst. You deserve to see the best of you Tim. But somehow I can’t flip it around for you. Only you can get the best out of you, all I can do is hope to God that you will decide to be true to yourself. When you think about this I am right. All though I tell you this, it isn’t going to affect you unless you let it. It’s up to you to poor out your heart and care for someone, like your wife. See I tell you these things knowing that you’re probably just going to let it pass by like nothing. It’s like you forget when things make sense. You get so caught up in the fact that its “life”, that you forget the truths. You just don’t seem to care about it. Your world is everything and more to me, but I feel like I look at life completely different than you. And honestly, I think you need to think way more of life. I don’t think you’re too fond of life. But you don’t seem to open your eyes and see how truly lucky you are. You have people that love you so much and you know it. But it’s sad because you let the worst get the best of you. So these people love you so dearly, and you’re actually hurting them more than anything. And it’s almost something that’s numb…. You don’t feel yourself doing what you’re doing. But deep down… you know what you are doing. You don’t see yourself hurting them, but you are. You don’t see yourself hurting yourself, but you are. And it’s almost something you feel like you can’t fix… but you can. I want you to be at peace and settled. And the only person that is keeping this from you is yourself. And I don’t think you understand, you don’t need objects to make you happy. People make you happy And I’m fucking amazing and you shouldn’t really need much more.  But I guess you are right, you are a man and deserve a women, not a little girl. And a woman deserves a man not a little boy. But I’m dream come true. And I know what I am doing, and I know what I am getting myself into. And I act like I’m blind to these things around you, but I’m not. I can see and quite well too. I feel, no matter how hard I try to get you to listen, you’re not going to hear me. I can try over and over again…. But you’re still going to do you. But what you do isn’t you, I refuse to believe that you’re this awful. Again… I think your heart is a heart of gold. If the smartest thing, would be for me to get away from you, because my heart WILL break. Then get me away. Your heart is strong, you’ve been through quite a lot. So think practical, don’t play a girl that WILL fall in love with you, especially at such a young age. You give girls a feeling they don’t feel. Scratch that, you give WOMEN something they want to feel. So imagine what you give me… the girl. Its stronger than you would ever know. So please just watch what you do… because I truly do feel like  I love you. But you need to ask yourself what’s real. I feel like I am in love with you… my heart is so full around you , so comforted, so clung.  And I do think what we have is real and almost meant to be. But your nearly ruining it before we even ever get the chance.

Heh. Shows how much you actually want that chance.