I see a shadow on the wall
A creature in the darkened hall
I wrestle with the sudden fear
That there is something evil here
I look outside my open door
The shadow grows a little more
It slithers slowly towards my room
This thing is wicked, I assume.
It moves across my cluttered floor
I wonder, scared, what is in store.
What will this shadow creature do?
What horrors will it put me through?
I see it, moving closer still.
A fear consumes me, sharp and shrill
It climbs with silent skillful grace
Then, suddenly, we're face to face.
The shadow seems to be a hole
A lifeless thing without a soul
It stares with nonexistent eyes
The formless face shows no surprise
I stare at it with shocked chagrin
It wreaks of death and hate and sin
Whatever that thing is, it's vile
And then the thing appears to smile
This shadow knows my mind, my soul
The things I fear, what makes me whole
It knows what I desire and hate
And somehow also knows my fate
Then the thing descends on me
I give it one last, futile plea
the dark surrounds me, leaves no light
It's darker than the darkest night
But the beast's not close to done
It swallows me until we're one
I fight the thing with wails and screams
But I can feel it's thoughts and dreams
We're joined now, one chaotic being
Two parts of one whole, disagreeing
The force seems to rip me in two
My body feels confused, askew
It feeds off of my terrored soul
I'm emptied, as it becomes whole
It's thoughts, they haunt me, sick and wrong
But then somehow, they just belong.
I understand the creatures dreams
It's not as awful as it seems
Or maybe, it's the joining force
It's evil filling me, of course.
I sympathize with sinful schemes
I long for things the shadow dreams
I love it now, it's part of me
We're joined now, that's how life will be
But part of me still wants to fight
The part that's going numb with fright
Because I've let the thing inside
A unity I can't divide.
I realize what is going wrong
And try to make my soul grow strong
The courage builds, but can't defeat
Because, part of me feels complete
The shadow's poisoned part of me
And that part will refuse to see
It won't open its darkened eyes
To know the shadow's my demise
I still try hard to kick it out
It's too late now without a doubt
The shadow will remain in me
In an unwiling unity
I want it gone, my mind my own
But it won't leave my head alone
It's in me, and will never leave
Death will be the one reprieve
It fills my head with vicious dreams
To fill the world with shadow beings
Like a virus, it will spread
And leave us all souless and dead.
I can not, will not let it win
I grab a knife and plunge it in
Into my head, into my brain
And in death, I am without pain
The shadow's gone, and I am free
I can feel, and I can see.
The freedom has come only when
In death, my mind is mine again.
Author notes
Woah. I. finally. wrote. another. poem!
It's been so long. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted.
I had the first two lines going through my head for days, and finally managed to go somewhere with them. If you couldn't tell, I didn't plan too much where this would go, but as soon as I decided what to do with it, everything became crystal clear, I just had to write it down.
The beings/dreams rhyme in the 3rd to last stanza? Anyone hate that? I couldn't tell if it sounded right, so please let me know if it doesn't.
One more thing...a friend at school who's an amazing dark free-verse poet read this, and pointed out that I generally only use the words evil and vile. And that's true..because they're such great words! But, there's tons of awesome dark words out there, so I tried to add a couple different ones in "evil's" place.
Constructive criticism is welcome!
A contest entry
- give me your writes from october 09' by HereComesTheSun.
950 points, ended October 31, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Oh, man, it is difficult for me to believe that you are really just 15... this is a tour de force! you are an enfant terrible!! No question an excellent poem. There is a slight wry humor that runs through this otherwise very dark tale of possession. You meter is stunning and rhyme excellent! (hmmm... "beings" and "dreams" don't rhyme, however I have absolutely confindence that you can change those two lines come up with a perfect rhyme, but if not, in a poem of this length it is largely unimportant.) To say that I am impressed is an understatement.
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this is excellent my friend..great imagery...and the flow is awesome...this is a really well sculpted piece...bravo
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Perhaps I'm being vain, but I dare say I see some echoes of some of my pieces in here
... It's still quite distinctly yours in style though. I like the fact that the bulk of the poem is focused on the aftermath of the little attack, but the early parts do an excellent job of immediately commanding attention.
From a technical standpoint, you're getting stronger with every poem you post. It's been really cool to see.
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When I first read your peotry, I may have even told you, that you were the type of poet I've always wanted to be. Now that I'm getting closer to where I want to be as a poet, it might be turning rather similar to yours. I wasn't trying to copy your style. But I remember writing years ago and wishing the rhythm could clean up and wishing I could do better plots, and I think I'm almost getting there. When I came up with the first stanza, I actually had to check that I hadn't read something of yours and memorized a piece of it on accident. But again, I'm not trying to steal your style, and you do a much better job with these type of pieces in my opinion anyway. Thank you for the comment!
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Nono I wasn't accusing you of stealing one bit, don't worry! I also don't think my style is so absolutely unique that I can somehow claim it either
This is really good work, and I hope it is a sign of things to come.
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Phew! I didn't steal anything.
I hope so too. This is one of the first pieces that's turned out how I meant it to. Thanks again for the comment!
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this is AMAZING.
i miss rhymes.
and. dream/being in third last stanza is fine because of the parallel structure of the two lines.
im glad you managed to write this and get it out.
it does feel good, doesnt it.
p.s. hi, its been a while
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Hey! How've you been?
Thanks for the comment!
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This is spectacular! The third stanza: What are you worrying about?! I like it And (though I usually do) I can't for the life of me pick a favourite line or rhyme. Cos they're all good. Fantastic, poet!
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wow. Even though this was long it kept me entertained. I just wanted to read more like it was a novil or something. I loved the plot and it was a very interesting idea. thanks for sharing it was a privilage to read. keep writing poet!
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Very nicely metrical and well rhymed
A good chilling tale and a pleasure to read. I am not sure if I like some of the repetitions, in places they seem to build tension but in others ... dunno
Overall a very good piece
Great stuff
Jeff
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This piece is wonderful. It's rare for me to find long, rhyming poems that don't seem forced or drawn out. But you did amazing with this piece. and I actually really like the whole 3rd to last stanza, I don't think the rhyme sounds funny at all. Really though, I usually don't have the attention span to read through pieces this long, and it actually held my attention, so thats gotta be saying something, right?
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first off not too many poets ive come across as of yet attempt to tackle the business of rhyming but when they do it makes the poem so harder to carry out since you have to think within the constraints of the rhyme. im not sure if you had a format for your rhyme scheme but i thought it flowed amazingly well, ( except perhaps a little more on the opening lines. )
my take on this poem is that the shadow isn't external but maybe the manifestations of your own darkness? Yin vs Yang maybe ?
"I sympathize with it's evil schemes. And long for the things the shadow dreams."
that line was top notch, and the cadence ( to me as it read out loud was perfect ) i think ur reviews are underrated. nicely done
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It did have a fixed rhythm. I found that when a poem doesn't, the changing rhythms and rhyme schemes take away from the content and sort of disrupt the cadence a bit. A few months back I decided to make them all regular.Thanks for the kind comment! I love hearing how other people interpret something I've written. It always comes to mean more in retrospect than I originally intended. Thanks again!
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Firstly, this poem is wonderful. The story moves along extremely well with unforced rhyming and well written stanzas and develops into far more...
(I do not know if am about to take the poem in a direction it was not meant, but you can let me know if I was right or wrong.) The "shadow" in the poem smelled very strongly of "guilt"; overwhelming guilt that consumes and destroys. Guilt will leave a person believing they are never good enough and that there is no hope. The protagonist recognizes that succumbing to guilt is dangerous and will not allow guilt to dictate his/her actions, but can only find one way to escape the guilt and that is through death.
Just a couple of very minor critiques (feel free to ignore any or all as they are just my opinion.)
In the second line "darkened" is misspelled.
In the 6th stanza you may want to consider " "..of death, or hate and sin." To me it just seemed to flow better, though that may just be me.
The 9th stanza had the first was the first time I had a slight hiccup in rhythm while reading. Maybe consider a different word than "creature" possibly "beast" which is shorter and may flow a little better.
All in all, a great write!!
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All that proofreading and I missed a typo. Thanks for telling me about it.
You're right about the 9th stanza, beast flows a lot better.
I don't think it was meant to be about guilt, but I never know what my poetry means. lol. I understand what you mean though, and think it could easily be interpreted that way.
So the dreams, beings rhyme was okay? I couldn't really tell for sure. because it sounds allright, but isn't correct from an analytical perspective.
Thanks for the extensive comment. I look forward to returning the favor!
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Reading it silently I had no problem, though reading out loud I did trip slightly.
Here's a thought. I don't love every word, but it's an idea (by the way "soulless" has two L's.)
It fills my head with evil dreams
To carry out its deadly schemes
And like a virus, it will spread
And leave us all soulless and dead -
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That's a good idea. Thank you!
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I just noticed that you used "dreams/schemes earlier in the poem, so that would take away from my suggestion a little...
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Creepy
I like it very much, (except for the end because I would really like the author to live on). As a thought for me, you stabbing a knife into your brain is disturbing. As a piece of art, I love it. I thought it was very well written and as one of the comments said, It reads well enough that the one little bit of "not perfect" rhyme doesn't stand out or bother me. Funny, you say you feel like a giant weight has been lifted when the subject of the poem is a giant weight weighing down on you from the shadow.... my favorite stanza ...
It moves across my cluttered floor
I wonder, scared, what is in store.
What will this shadow creature do?
What horrors will it put me through?
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All my other darker poems, for the most part, end on a happy note for the author (except for the light) but I wanted to go a different direction. It seems to me that my poetic style is changing a little, and I'm letting to see where I end up. Also, the shadow was all-consuming, I don't think the author could have made it out alive. And if he did, then the shadow would've controlled him, and taken over the WORLD! Muaha! jk, but I think it sort of had to end that way.
You just liked that stanza because I admitted that my room was messy.
Thanks momma! Luv ya.
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This is epic. Congrats on writing again, and so well! I wouldn't trip on "beings, dreams" you have unforced rhyme and it works. Leave it for a day or so and if something better occurs to ou cool but if not also cool. It works as is. Sometimes our pen just needs to spill ink , who are we to stop it? Glad you didn't, this is good!
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This is GOOD! I agree about the dreams / beings thing but from experience, I can tell you that if you go back and read it later, the “fix” will make itself known to you. You can do it. If nothing else, “It fills my head with evil seeings of a world filled with shadow beings”. (OK, so there may be no such word as “seeings”.) I really like poems that seem to write themselves. When the Muse gets up and does her job. This reads well enough that if there are little things amiss here or there, it’s not conspicuous. You did well.
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