Society’s Standards Scorched and Slain Absurd
Ernest Cunningham
News Editor
Are you turned on by bogus stories about random children taken away by a big gray balloon-monster? If so, then it is quite possible that true the story of Bella Manhandler will enthrall you. Yes, it’s true. On October 28, 2009 at approximately seven in the morning, Manhandler invited her boyfriend, Harry Head, to breakfast. What one would expect to be a lovely rendezvous in the dining room, actually turned out to be a death-trap. That is where Manhandler murdered Head with a black-and-mild, cigarette lighter, and a dildo. Despite the intent on just one crime, following circumstances have led to three criminal charges.
In such an intense moment as one’s innocent eyes were blinded by the ashes, it was no question that such tragedy would be shocking.
Fellow roommate and ashtray Love Butts admitted, “Bella thought I wasn’t watching, but in her heated temper, I saw her take the black-and-mild and smash the burning end of it right into his left eye! I was so frightened, but I couldn’t do anything but sit there. What else was an ashtray supposed to do? Flip off the table? That’s exactly what I did.”
Butts suffered a crack in between her red cheekbones. Doctors have reported that she is in “fantastic condition” even though she is bound together by Scotch tape and hot glue, now hardened to keep her crack (and surrounding areas) in the correct place.
Butts commented, “My crack will heal in two weeks. When that time comes, I will be happy to walk again. Once you go down and bust your crack, you need a wheelchair. It hurts worse than vomiting - it feels like an attempt to shit-out invisible diarrhea.”
Despite Butts’ strange commentary, that is essentially how she reacted to the horrifying situation set before her. Manhandler was later sued by Butts for breaking her, which is also known as rape in the inanimate object world. Laws have not been made to save Manhandler from such an outrageous lawsuit, unfortunately. Manhandler faces a first charge from her once-beloved ashtray. That’s not the only charge she will face though.
Manhandler, with face covered by hands to dodge hovering cameras, refused to give any input on the situation. The witness continued to explain the situation however.
“Bella took the lighter and lit his clothes on fire. Harry danced around like a strange, intoxicated African flamingo. At his most vulnerable moment, she picked up the dildo from the counter and beat the snot out of him. There were delightfully bloody boogers all over the place amidst the bursting inferno. I guess I was secretly happy that I wasn’t the only one that got screwed…over,” she added.
The corpse of Head was found in the porch with all other integrities lost in the embers.
“I sat on my broke behind for two days before Manhandler’s other boyfriend came in to check on her. He found Harry, who was quite clearly dead, and immediately called 911. That’s when she took out the hoe from her garden and bashed him with it. About ten minutes later, the cops walked in. I screamed like a dying squirrel - or Hannah Montana, you could say - and the sound was so obnoxious - apparently - that the cops came to my aid first. I cannot tell you what happened since.”
Cops refused to comment about the situation. They did cover their smirking mouths with their fists though. One cop even fondled the dildo admirably, according to Butts. That cop had no commentary on neither the fondling nor the murders.
Manhandler faces a total of three charges: raping Butts and two charges for manslaughter.
Butts concluded, “I’ll have myself a brand new, plastic behind after I win the lawsuit and get my surgery.”
Author notes
My prompt.
1. an ashtray (from its point of view)
2. a front-page newspaper article, complete with headline.
3. http://relaxeder.deviantart.com/art/tantrum-76507549
4. 2 similes and 1 hyperbole.
similes:
-it feels like an attempt to shit-out invisible diarrhea.
-I screamed like a dying squirrel - or Hannah Montana, you could say
hyperbole:
-"Society's Standards Scorched"
-"horrifying situation"
personification:
-i gave the ashtray human qualities by giving it a "crack"
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 9 - Top Nine by Laura Lamarca.
1150 points, ended November 5, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
Society's Standards Scorched and Slain Absurd
First impression: 6/10
Relative to prompt: 9/10
Creativity with prompt: 7/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 9/10
Cohesion: 4/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 9/10
Write's "profound" effect: 6/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 5/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 95/115
"If so, then it is quite possible that true the story of Bella Manhandler will enthrall you." -
I think you may have meant "that the true story."
"Despite the intent on just one crime, following circumstances have led to three criminal charges."
This is long and wordy for a news story - "The following circumstances have led to three criminal charges".
I found this piece to be more of an editorial with sensationalized facts rather than a news story where brevity is critical. It seems there are an over-abundance of adjectives used which take away from the creative flow of your story. This piece would never make a front page story in any legitimate paper, let alone have been written by a News Editor. My opinion of course, having studied mass communications and print journalism in college.
However, you have used your emotional prompt (image) well, complied with all of the rules set before you. There is a lot of energy in your piece and I believe you worked hard on this presentation but you, my friend, are a much better writer than this as I have seen so many many times before.
~Pamela
-
-
Thanks Pamela. I totally understand why you marked off where you did. I think I had no other choice but to go in the editorial direction given my set of requirements...but hey, I did the best I could. Thanks for the constructive comment.
-
-
Society's Standards Scorched:
First impression: 10/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of stipulated poetic device and personification: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Write's "profound" effect: 10/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 10/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 115/115
well done!
-
great alliteration throughout the piece...a well written prose that made me wish i read this before or on halloween
well done and although it was a tough format, I think you gave the editor of the newspaper quite a personality 
well done
-
I think you had a pretty tough task- personify an object in the format of a newspaper article. You have done a great job! I love the humorous take and the funny characters- great names. I found the ashtray and giving it a crack rather ingenious.
" That cop had no commentary on neither the fondling nor the murders." This really tripped me up, Im not too great with correct grammar, but something about this sounds odd, took me out of the piece.
I'm glad I don't have to judge this, each piece is so unique and interesting to read.
Nicely done!!
Kris
-
-
Thanks. As for that sentence you pointed out...it's technically correct, so I'm not sure why you stumbled. It may have been that I refered to the "fondling" as a noun instead of a verb. In the context I used it, it's correct.
But like I said...thanks.
-
-
I think it has more to do with all the negatives more than anything. Something can be correct but still sound odd. Its a tiny nit of mine and doesn't affect the quality of the piece- which I enjoyed
-
-
-
Wonderful! This is really so creative and I found myself giggling at the antics of that ashtray! Love the names of the characters and I hope I never live where an ashtray can sue me This is a write with great flair and imagination! You will do well this round
best wishes.
Gaylene
-
what.... hahahahaha lol.
-
I'm afraid I don't read the type of papers that publish this, but I should. This was creative and playful. I defy anyone to read it without laughing. I know you don't mind constructive criticism so here I go: The first paragraph begins well but bogs down in the middle.
"On October 28, 2009 at approximately seven in the morning, Manhandler invited her boyfriend, Harry Head, to breakfast, who she later murdered with a black-and-mild, cigarette lighter, and a dildo - in her back porch. Despite the intent on just one crime, circumstances led to other slayings; she has been charged for three crimes total."
The first is such a complicated and run on sentence that it needs division...perhaps after "breakfast". The "who" sounds as if it refers back to breakfast and that makes no sense. You could start the next sentence with "He was later murdered...." I think the next sentence might read better as "She only planned on one crime but circumstances...."
My only other suggestion is to limit the use of quotation marks to actually quoted dialogue. Using it for "horrifying" and "breaking her" seems to imply that the reader would not know what those words mean. They can stand on their own.
I loved your comment that adults might not like this. Sheeesh, how old do you think we are?
Peace, Liz
-
-
You're absolutely right. Thanks for the suggestions...I've made edits accordingly.
As for the quotes. I guess when I was writing them, I automatically put them in quotes because I wasn't sure if the humor of it would be understood if I didn't make them stand out. I suppose that didn't work. I actually think it sounds funnier when it does stand on its own, because it's talked about so nonchalantly...I think that makes it even more bizarre. haha.
-
-
ROFLMFAO Now this is a classic news article if I have ever seen one, and yes you would do very well with the Enquirer I think.
Just too damn funny Tyler. Way to go I'm sure this will be received well, I was rather curious what you were going to do with your requirements this round. Good job... Scott
-
Hilarious. I loved the names, the descriptions and poor little ashtray taking it all in. Nice subtle touches too, like the policeman fondling the dildo. You have a great imagination and a flair for this type of thing.
-
.
-
-
Yessss, two fans. I'm on a roll.
-
-
My gawd - this is beautiful! Your humour is superb!
-
-
Phew. At least one person likes it. Thanks.
-
-
It's friggin amazing! Not only the piece but the idea in general. If people don't like it - it's probably as they have attention spans of fishes and decided not to read it all [which it sucked me right through and my attention span is that of a fish] or because they were offended by some of the language.
I thought it rocked! -
-
haha that's true. most of the contest consists of adults, so their reactions will be interesting - if they even decide to comment.
this was definitely out of my comfort zone. i can write news articles without any problem, but this is probably the most - i'm not sure how to describe it - it was just very different from anything i've ever written. to mix a technical side of writing with satire? maybe i ought to write for the national enquirer (a bogus newspaper here in america. it's filled with false stories. lol). i hope the judges like it though.
-
-
You could submit this as application
I have a feeling they will, certainly La should. -
-
We'll see, I suppose.
-
-
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
