Summer comes to knock on my door
At 3am while fires flame bright.
Burning bridges shine in the night
as I learn the things my body is for.
Autumn falls in a shower of rust
I lie on my bed as I did in the day
and I’ve tried and tried but can’t find a way
to sink down under a curtain of dust.
Winter tastes like regret in my throat
I sit inside watching the soft-falling snow.
My eyes touch stars but my gaze sinks low
as my voice brushes rubble off each tattered note.
Spring seeps in through the cracks in my floor
I breathe out the breath I've been holding all year.
As I climb to my feet there is nothing to fear
In the crisp morning light from my opening door.
Author notes
C a r n i v a l e
I edited this poem in response to BeanSidhe's critique, changing some of my word pairs (specifically lines 2, 8 and 12) and replaced line 10 with something hopefully more relevant -- 30/10/09
I edited this poem in response to Alexis-Rueal's critique, changing the metre of lines 12 and 16 to theoretically improve the flow -- 4/11/09
A contest entry
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Is the end not polished enough?
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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In contrast to what at least one other person said I think you might add a bit more punctuation actually. It seemed most lines were actually more on their own and needed some break from the others; taking the last stanza for example, it seemed as if as I read it out loud that it just came out as pausing before going on to the next line. Not saying each needs a period, but maybe the occasional comma for those ones you feel stand out more. The title is a touch cliche, but if nothing else I would capitalize that f in floor.
I noticed a fun little accident that happened with this poem. Take the very first letter from each stanza (seasons) and you get SAWS; now that could make for a lot of fun with your title and this poem considering it has to do with the changing seasons and all (sawing away at different things and all that). A few other elements that could be fun to play with on this type of poem; the length of the stanzas and lines (days and nights vary in length depending on the season), the imagery and tone in each stanza (kind of obvious but that could have some interesting turns as it went, maybe adding some unique perspective on it would help as well), and just the way you arrange the rhymes and other such little bits (winter and autumn are a huge mix-up due to the falling leaves and snow which blanket over the grass). I think what you have here with this concept (which is good and bad) is a lot of potential, especially to take it further than where others have gone (if you're going to do the done you have to make it exceptional and different or else it just is ignored). Hope these ideas might be useful, heck I'd like to try them out myself actually, heh. -
reminder: ***Final date for comments that count towards the contest: Tomorrow, Sunday, November 8th by midnight.
Final date for revisions towards contest: Tuesday, November 10 by noon.***
The contest will be judged on Wednesday, November 11.
Before I begin, I wanted to thank you again for your dedication in this experiment. It's because of willingness such as that from yourself that made it, in my opinion, a successful contest.
So thank you.
First, I feel that you could consider eliminating the periods from this work. The line separations and stanza separations do the work for them, and, without the periods, multiple readings arise and add depth to the piece, such as in the case of:
"Summer comes to knock on my door
At 3am while fires flame bright.
Burning bridges shine in the night
as I learn the things my body is for."
Without periods:
"Summer comes to knock on my door
At 3am while fires flame bright"
but also
"At 3am while fires flame bright
Burning bridges..."
I feel without them, the flow would increase. But if you are to keep them...
"At" in line two should not be capitalized (unless you decide to capitalize everything, which is another decision you have to make).
"In" of the final line should not be capitalized.
Finally, on a more hypothetical note: I feel spring is the focal point here in these piece. You distinguished this as the writer by having it seep through the title as a link.
Because it is a focal point, perhaps you should consider spring seeping in through other parts of the poem, either in slighter references, or through a beginning stanza that connotes spring in some way or draws in those cracks.
This is truly a wonderful work, and it's been a pleasure to see the part you've played in this competition.
Best,
Mia -
I really liked the work and the emotion that is just below the surface of this one, what i did not like was the use of the I's and My's, I just find that they take away so much from a work, example in the last stanza:
"Spring seeps in through the cracks in my floor
I breathe out the breath I've been holding all year.
As I climb to my feet there is nothing to fear
In the crisp morning light from my opening door."
You used I and my a total of 5 times, now surely since it is already noted that it is you, it becomes redundant to keep saying I and my. Leaving many of them out would give this stanza a more emotional fluidity I believe. Also there are so many filler words, the, it, is, and, in. try to eliminate many of these, they don't serve any purpose except to clutter up what you are trying to say poetically.
example of some lines without fillers and the I and my. :
breathing out breath I've been holding all year
climbing on feet with nothing to fear
Hugs, Bunny -
I would consider changing your title to something that encapsulates the theme of rebirth that I think you are getting at. That being said, I think:
Spring seeps in through the cracks in my floor
I breathe out the breath I've been holding all year.
are the strongest two lines in the poem.
I also understood the sexual reference here:
as I learn the things my body is for.
but it didn't seem "veiled" at all to me. In fact, I thought the sexuality was very explicit throughout the piece. Learning about your body, laying in your bed and tasting regret in your throat are all very sexual images. But, I'm not sure that they add much to the poem besides confusion (as I think other commentors have indicated). I think the poem is too short to deal with both the themes of 1)overcoming a tragedy that happened in the summer to being reborn in the spring and 2) having a sexual awakening then experiencing shame and regret. It's just too much to tackle in such a short piece. I think you would benefit by focusing on one or the other and streamlining your images to capture whatever tone you choose. -
I enjoy the idea of this piece. A cycle of seasons linked to emotions. Perhaps it's cliche, but if it is I'm not bothered.
I really like the harmonics of fours you're attempting to enforce: four seasons per year, four stanzas per poem, four lines per stanza, four feet per line - although the feet aren't perfect and sometimes there are five per line. I would love for this to be written in perfect iambic tetrameter, but I understand that's a tall task. I would also prefer each season-stanza to rhyme AAAA etc., as the rhyme ABBA (etc.) is insignificant, though still pleasant.
I love "shower of rust": what a wonderful image. But your end-rhymes are mostly predictable, which I do not like. When I reached the end of the second line (it's 3 a.m., there's a fire burning), I already knew the next line would end in night.
The imagery of the first stanza is slightly nonsensical. I understand "burning bridges" in the context of the common turn of phrase, but I do not understand why a physical bridge is burning in the context of the poem. If, in fact, it is. Since this appears to be a very physical-image based evocation of nature I feel comfortable assuming there actually is a burning bridge near the narrator, lending to a duality of meaning, especially since "fires flame bright" in the fire season of summer. A bridge burning down is an odd thing. Mostly they are made of metal nowadays - aren't they? If a bridge were burning I would assume the surrounding countryside/city/whatever would also be burning. That's all to say the image is not explained enough, for me, in the verisimilitude of the poem.
"the things my body is for": a very veiled sexual reference. This sexuality is never revisited or returned to, even in Spring, with its slew of sexual associations (Cummings' April and the myth of Persephone and Demeter, offhandedly, 'spring' to mind), which I find problematic.
The rhymes in general are short and terse, which is why they are predictable. Choose larger words which haven't been rhymed with one another several thousand times to create a more unique (or, as some would say, authentic) vision.
"tastes like regret in my throat": this falls entirely flat for me. The throat does not experience taste. That isn't problematic, necessarily: I love synesthesiac poems. However, thus far (in the first and second stanzas), the poem has been entirely ingenuous with regards to its figurative language in describing sensation. There isn't anything in relation to a sense itself which appears to me to be particularly juxtaposed. Also that line is missing a punctuating mark.
On second thought I think I am bothered by the first line of the third stanza because the throat experiencing taste comes off as a mistake, or a lack of knowledge: the third line ("eyes touch stars") is breathtaking. I'm a sucker for celestial imagery, but still.
I'm unsure why the poem is titled as it is: the cracks in the floor are evoked sparingly in the last stanza for a single line. I can find little way to apply said cracks and any type of understanding of them to the rest of the poem.
This is a pretty poem. I like it in the way that one likes something with potential and a few glimmers here and there, as in the proverbial diamond in the rough. Since you've tasked yourself with rhyme and meter (so, SO much easier to to not be constrained by form! Little wonder the only great rhyme poets are long since dead and gone after the advent of free verse) it will be an extensive undertaking to completely harmonize the form of this piece. You apparently have the expertise necessary to do so, so good luck. -
Nice write here.
It seemed to me from the beginning that the seasons were more being used as a metaphor for the situations you were in. With this assumption I will offer my thoughts...
Summer elicits images of excitement, joy and fun.
"as I learn the things my body is for" certainly would reflect such a time. A time of physical enjoyment and possible reckless abandon.
"Burning bridges shine in the night" in this context could convey the feelings of excitement so great that there is joy in the freedom of burning bridges. (Otherwise I am not certain how this fits.)
With that in mind, I did not completely understand why summer was "knocking." I might have imaged
"Summer burst through one-time padlocked door"
Just a thought, but I think that this might convey the sheer physical joy that I think (I may be wrong) is being conveyed.
Following this thought Autumn would then bring the realizations of the consequences of the actions of summer, and therefore I like everything about the second stanza. The way it "fell" and how it's described as "rust." The contrast of seasons while laying on the same bed, now wishing to crawl somewhere.
Winter was the only season whose arrival is not explained. Could it be that because winter often shows up long before we are ready or are interested in noticing? Regret carries a different feel than the depression of Autumn, and it may be the acceptance of responsibility (or in season's case, the acceptance of the cold) as opposed to Autumn where it is as much bleak anticipation and hopelessness for the future as it is anything current.
"Seeps" seems to be a perfect word to explain the feelings of Spring. The feelings of hope and renewal, the feelings of a new beginning. I really like the way you closed this, and used each season to convey strong imagery. My only critique would be that "breathe out the breath" seems a little repetitive. Maybe "release" or something like that which would also convey the "release" of the feelings of guilt.
I enjoyed reading and analyzing your poem and would definitely offer 3 clappies though I will hold off as per contest rules. Please remind once the contest is up (if I don't do it myself) and I will return with them to offer my applause for a wonderful poem. -
Carnivale, that works very well. I admit, I am an avid user of "off of". It just doesn't sound appropriate to me to use "off" by itself. I shall have to adapt. *shivers* :-)
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Fine poetry!
There you go poet, rewriting is the essence of good poetry, and responding to constructive criticism is worthy writing; however, beware of letting go of your own identity of poetry to please others'. Do not worry about a polished ending, as most fine poetry has no ending as such, since it takes on the meaning and form the reader needs and wants to apply: poetry should be malleable and suggestive to induce the reader to move forward and apply his/her own appreciative talent, and thus evaluate the poetry and not the writer... DW
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I think I can see where you're coming from but I don't really agree. My favourite poems all have a form and structure directly built by the poet. If all readers were as good at creating poetry as the poet there'd be no poets!
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Actually, I have enjoyed this poem a lot an am not referring to any lack of form or structure; on the contrary! I am in short urging the poet to continue to stand up for the originality and the essence of the poetry as it is. Maybe it is time for all of us to make a definite effort to avoid personal feelings or private reactions to what is intended as constructive criticism? You right to disagree is a solid fact I am comfortable with, and again the writer is a secondary concern here: first is the poetry... DW
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I think this could be taken literal - a great description of the changing of seasons from the perspective of your bedroom, but I feel there is more here -
To me it speaks of a late night indiscretion, perhaps regrettable in nature, but I'm not sure on that. I think there's metaphor to be found between the changes of the season and the transformation that takes place after
"Summer comes to knock on my door
At 3am while fires flame bright."
but who knows...I could be completely off.
You have some absolutely beautiful lines sprinkled through out your piece. especially:
"Winter tastes like regret in my throat"
and
"Spring seeps in through the cracks in my floor"
There's a simple eloquence in your flow of words, I'm sorry I have nothing constructive to offer, but this appears very polished. Great job poet! -
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I wrote it while listening to The Mountain Goats, a group which is very much concerned with late night indiscretions, so you might have a point. Thanks for your comment, it's useful to know which lines not to change.
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Very nice poem. There are a couple of spots that might benefit from a change in rhythm.
Lat line in stanza three could use the word "of" after off. That extra beat would help the flow of that line.
The last line of the poem, too needs some help. I might change it to something like
"In the crisp dawn light from a now open door." Gives a sense of resolution to Winter to Spring and changes the stressed and unstressed beats in the line. -
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Hmm, that makes sense. I've changed the beats where you said (although not exactly like your examples!) Are my changes what you had in mind?
I don't like using 'off of', it always reads clumsily to me.
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Yes, the revisions certainly help quite a bit! And I definitely like the change in the third stanza - very nice. I think it adds a new layer that the previous line regarding the dead bird missed out on. Well done
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I have to admit there are several lines in this poem that I really, really wish that I'd written! Like five, nine, and eleven specifically. I liked the simplicity of the language and the fact that you allowed the words to create and color the images for your readers.
The flow is very nice but the reiteration of certain words troubles me. I'm positive that it was done intentionally and there is probably a creative reason for it, but nevertheless, it made me stumble a tad. Burn and burning used within lines two and three, shower used within lines five and eight, dust used in lines eight and twelve.
Also, because each of the four seasons are written about in four lines, I think the poem would have more impact if the seasons were granted their own stanza, complete with line breaks between them.
For the most part, I think you have illuminated nature in a most beautiful manner. I am not sure how line ten fits in, though. I'm wondering if it refers to a bird that failed to fly south for the winter; perhaps a metaphor for the regret you mention in the line before?
Altogether, I think that artistically and emotionally, this was a success. Thank you for sharing your work with us & best of luck in the contest!
-Bean Sidhe
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I have to admit I didn't notice the last two duplicate words. Rereading I can see how it's a very valid criticism, I'll try and change all three instances.
What do you mean by seasons granted their own stanza?
"Summer comes to knock on my door
At 3am while fires burn bright.
Burning bridges shine in the night
as I learn the things my body is for."
for each verse? I don't know, it seems like that would break up the flow. Never been a huge fan of one-line stanzas myself.
I'll see if I can clear line ten up. Maybe a reword is in order there as well. Thank you very, very much for being the first person to give a detailed comment! I hope you can check back at some point and see if I've taken your advice the way you meant it.
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Okay, I've done so. Is "soft-falling" snow a bad way of putting it? It's the change I was least happy with.
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Wow, this piece is lined with all sorts of excellent imagery. The meter is tricky, but it made me appreciate the poem so much more. You deserve the gold!
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Thanks for your comment! Do you have any suggestions as to how I could improve?
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yes
My eyes touch stars,is the star line within this piece. Every thing about it is perfect,well put together and so fitting for the brief I issued. I am happy to have had the joy of viewing this truly wonderful poem. -
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Thank you! It's always nice to be praised.
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I loved it.
I read every line twice
Wish you well in your contest hope you take it.
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