SETTING:
A small coffee shop within the gated community of Heaven, GABRIEL the archangel is working behind a dusty oak counter, wiping them with long strokes using an overused, tattered washcloth. There are well-known paintings hung on the walls, many with their painters absent. A young girl, SYBIL, is in the innermost corner tapping her teacup absentmindedly with a spoon while softly mumbling to her sixteen personalities. Seated at the center table, BRIAN, a young business man, is clicking the locks on his briefcase closed after disconnecting from the WiFi. In the near corner, a young EVA BRAUN is holding an aged photo frame with shaking hands and discreetly wiping the skin beneath her eyes. No one looks up.
(JOHN THE BAPTIST stumbles drunkly into the coffee shop, small cuts covering his hands and dirt covering the fabric of his shirt, already frail as aged paper. He wears no shoes, his face is moist and his voice sounds like ashes being fanned from the flame. The young business man snaps up in his chair instantly like his father taught him to when he's scared.)
JOHN: Can anyone here tell me the way to heaven?
(JOHN collapses into a kneeling stance and grabs the attention of all in the coffee shop, GABRIEL rushes over to aid him.)
SYBIL: I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father but- No, no, no! Marjorie, shut up. Sid, you know that song about this.
(GABRIEL wears a puzzled expression, helps JOHN to his feet and brushes the transfer of dirt off from his apron. The young business man gets up, pushes his chair back in a hurry and goes to assist GABRIEL.)
GABRIEL: Well, you're already here, John. Weren't you supposed to go fishing with the big guy today?
SYBIL: Fishers of men, we are. We fish for nothing. Peggy Lou, stop being a child, you're just upset.
(JOHN straightens up slightly; his eyes are bloodshot and look like wine filling the small veins. he looks GABRIEL strikingly in the eyes as EVA sets down the frame gently and makes her way over to the semi-circle.)
JOHN: Don't you get it? There's too many of us here. He doesn't know me. The holes in his hands are the same and he knows we all were the ones that caused them. All of us!
(JOHN bangs his fist on small table to his left, plates clatter and break on the floor. EVA shudders and SYBIL drops to her knees and inspects the broken glass. All is silent.)
EVA: Well it's not like we've killed anyone.
BRIAN: Yeah, I worked 80 percent of my life. I went to church every sunday I can remember. I deserve to be here.
(BRIAN takes an aggressive stance and recomposes himself as GABRIEL looks down somberly.)
GABRIEL: I don't doubt that. What's heaven about though, anyways? How do you think I feel? Being told to announce the coming of a savior and now working at a run down coffee shop!? Then again, did Jesus get what he deserved?
(EVA clasps her arms against her chest, SYBIL is sorting through the broken glass on the floor violently and BRIAN returns to his seat and buries his face in his hands.)
EVA: You're right. God, you're right. We killed him with his own love.
(EVA begins to tear up, BRIAN collects himself and walks back over to the scene. JOHN looks at down at his hands and notices SYBIL.)
JOHN: What are you doing? You're going to cut your hands open! Stop!
(All turn complete attention to SYBIL, who's grabbing as much of the glass as she can and muttering prayers beneath her breath.)
SYBIL: If our hands are bloody aren't they the same? Yeah, aren't they? They are, aren't they? No, they're not.
Author notes
alright. I apologize for how complicated and strange this is. you know how my ideas go. they're weird and I go with them. xD
eva braun was hitler's mistress/wife, known by carrying around a picture of him wherever she went because she rarely saw him. he'd often lock her in separate rooms to hide her.
sybil was a girl treated for having sixteen different multiple personalities.
gabriel was the arch-angel that announced to mary that she was to have jesus while yet a virgin.
john the baptist was noted as one of jesus' closest friends, and a man above all other men. he is noted for his unkempt appearance.
brian is a modern man, consumed by work and the suffrage of collapsing 'normality'.
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round Seven [Top 7] by sideways hourglass.
800 points, ended November 6, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
-
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 10/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 10/10
Quality of main theme: 10/10
Quality of storyline: 10/10
Quality of characters: 9/10
Transition, flow, development: 10/10
Emotion/Reaction: 9/10
Overall quality of script: 10/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 5/5
Total: 103/100
The voices of Sybil lent this unusual script an extra credit dimension. Well done.
-
-
thank you so much.
-
-
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 10/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 9/10
Quality of main theme: 9/10
Quality of storyline: 9/10
Quality of characters: 10/10
Transition, flow, development: 9/10
Emotion/Reaction: 9/10
Overall quality of script: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 94/100
~Genie~
-
-
thanks
-
-
103 - X Factor
"john looks at down at his hands..."
-get rid of the first "at"
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 10/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 9/10
Quality of main theme: 10/10
Quality of storyline: 10/10
Quality of characters: 10/10
Transition, flow, development: 10/10
Emotion/Reaction: 9/10
Overall quality of script: 10/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 5/5
Total: 103/100 ~ X Factor
First off, Sybil was a funny character. I like that you subtly used humor in this.
Besides that, every character is significant, every detail. The idea of making it to heaven yet feeling forgotten by God, or that perhaps God is dead, is such a poignant idea. This is not just a script for a writing contest called X Factor, but this is something exceptionally profound...it's art. This is arguably the most original entry this season...or maybe in XF history. Outstanding.
-
-
thanks so much
-
-
This is an odd script, but I really like it! I like the way you have used real people from past times and added today's modern man- creative! Sort of a despair here, nicely done.
Best wishes,
K
-
Agh. Fuck you.
I've got to do a script for school and here you are being fucking brilliant.
Damn it all.
This is perfect.
-
-
that means so much to me.
-
-
I thought the characters you have chosen were interesting. I liked the ending and for me it symbolizes how so many people spend their who lives trying to repay 'the debt' and trying to understand Jesus. The other part that really struck me was when Brian thought that he 'deserved' to be there. I think that you struck the nail on the head there with the idea that so many people hold - "if I go to church i'll be saved". Great work again
-
-
thanks so much
-
-
I think I want to get to know you more.
This is incredible.
I have the names of Sybil memorized. I'm a nerd.
Sybil, Peggy Lou, Peggy Ann, Mary, Marcia, Nancy, Other Sybil, Ruthie, Vanessa, Mike, Sid, Vicky, Helen, Marjorie, The Blonde, and Clara.
-
-
thank you so much!
that helps me immensely. xD
-
-
I actually read Sybil's biography. (Great book, by the way, I would recommend it!) It was a good idea, but you got the names of her personalities wrong... Sue? Steven? Mark? None of those are the names of her real personalities. Props on the idea, it's really interesting, but I suggest you might want to read up on your main characters a little more.
-
-
I watched the movie a while back, and I looked for the real names of her personalities and couldn't find them.
Do you remember a few?
-
-
be careful with Sybil. I can tell it's meant to be really sad, but the sixteen personalities thing could come off as humourous.
'wiping them with long strokes with an overused, tattered washcloth' them - it, and maybe find a way to thin out the 'withs'?
I'll finish this later. stupid schooooool. ><
and this is really, really freaking amazing.
-
-
Yeah, I understand that but in all honesty I meant to portray her innocence, placing her as one of heaven's characters. None of this is supposed to be humorous whatsoever.
thank you!
-
-
Yeah, I can see that. I don't think it's really a problem.
'wine filling'
should that be 'wine is filling?'
otherwise this is breathtaking. Great job and best of luck!
-
-
thank you soo much!
-
-
you're welcome. :]
-
-
-
-
-
TOLD YOU THIS WOULD BE GOOD.
this is good. the only confusing part is the "we killed him with love" thing.
But otherwise it's awesome.
-
-
thanks!
it was meant to like say, Jesus came to earth to show us the meaning of love, show us his creation, because his creation essentially is love for his people, and we killed him using his own materials, his own love. haha it's kind of a odd idea, but it makes sense in my head. xD -
-
ahh, ok, that makes more sense.
will you critique mine? i'm worried about it. >.< -
-
haha yours is the bomb, seriously. I have full assurance you're going to beat me. xD
I'll give you clappies though
-
-
-
-
wow, you write poetry AND plays? that's awesome.
-
-
haha this was my first attempt at writing a script, and thank you.
-
-
Woah.
wooooaaahh.
had to read this a few times.
it is good.
you are
talent.
angela,
you are.
-
-
thank you!
-
-
Complicated for me but I'm sure there's something good in there .
-
-
haha thanks. I had to write this for the x factor competition I'm in. xD
-
-
Actually it's amazing how you take time to reply to every comment of mine . Nobody replies and comments on my writes .
I'm truly humbled
thanks
god bless
-
-
aw, thank YOU so much!
haha don't be humbled, we're equals.
-
-
Thank you
-
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 33 of 33
