Randi is a girl from Clevland highschool. She is a sophmore and is turning 16 on November 13th. Randi was a shy girl, with very light brown hair and a nice tan body. She was not skinny but she wasn't fat, kinda your avrage girl and she had beautiful eyes, they were green/ gray/ blue and they could almost put you in a trance. The only problem she really had at school was that she was awfully shy and didn't really fit in anywhere. But she had plenty of boyfriends, bye the end of freshman year she had had 16 boyfriends leading back to 6th grade. Randi wore mostly black cloths but not all of her wardrobe was black and she was not goth or emo. She was more the grunge rocker type of girl that listens to screamo. Randi had few friends, but the ones she had were really close and important to her. When people got to know Randi, they liked her because although it didn't seem like it, being anti-social and all, Randi was actually a really sweet girl and she was also really fun to hang out with.
Aiden is a jock, he hangs out with all of the "cool" kids and mocks people 24/7 and has a new girlfriend every week. Aiden had the same color hair as Randi, had a lot of mustles, blue eyes, and most of his wardrobe was from Holister, Abicromie and finch, Areopostle, and several other name brand cloths. When Aiden was in 6th grade, he lived in a small town in Michigan called Encore. He wore glasses and had braces so all the kids called him a nerd, to make things worst he was always the one to raise his hand to help out the teacher so he was also the teachers pet. After the summer of 7th grade he moved to Portland Oregon and turned over a new leaf. He got contacs, his braces were removed, he went through puberty and was a total hunk. 8th grade is when Aiden met Randi and 8th grade is when he fell in love. Aiden was born three days before Randi was so he was also almost 16. By freshman year, Aiden had become so popular, he couldn't ask Randi out or tell any one how he felt because she was not one of the "popular" kids.
A contest entry
- Create me a character. by Antebellum.
400 points, ended October 31, 11 entries
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Comments
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Nice character interaction setup, although...
...I would leave out subjective things like "really fun to hang out with," mainly because that's opinion, not fact, so including in a character description seems unnecessary. You could alternatively say, "...her friends find her really fun to hang out with," since that describes her friends relationship with her, and therefore gives more information about the characters.
Also, "falling in love" is a phenomenon of which I'm not a big fan, but rather than go into the silly complexities of how I define love, I'll simply suggest that you make the declaration that he is in love deeper by explaining why he is in love. Every action has a cause, or so they say.
I see an odd problem with Randi: "...she was awfully shy and didn't really fit in anywhere. But she had plenty of boyfriends, bye the end of freshman year she had had 16 boyfriends leading back to 6th grade." If she's so shy, then how did she get four boyfriends a year? She's not popular either, which means she isn't a part of multiple social circles. Basically, I think that's a pretty significant logistic problem.
Another thing I noticed with you using subjective phrases was describing Randi's eyes. There's nothing wrong with giving a good description of a character's eyes, but "they could almost put you in a trance," doesn't mean anything. Does it mean they are beautiful? I don't know many people who are tranced by beauty that much. Do you mean that her iris pattern is dazing to the visual cortex of the brain? That question is rhetorical for obvious reasons. (Also, green-grey, blue-grey, and blue-green all make sense, but how can something be three different colors at once? They aren't kaleidescopes. Unless they are, in which case I don't like you anymore.)
One last thing to close is a small note: "Randi wore mostly black cloths but not all of her wardrobe was black..." That phrase is redundant. By saying that most of her clothing is black, you know that not all of it is black, merely most. I would just say "Randi wore black clothes often." It's shorter and clearer, but means the same exact thing.
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