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Strike-out

~


How do I explain my inadequacy -
it’s the same story of some cute guy
and his tight blue jeans and
white long-sleeve shirt
defining muscles of hard labor.

He checks me out,
though he’s got baseball practice later,
so he’s not ready to pitch anything to me;
despite my apparent admiration,
I hint a smile
and walk on by.

Maybe someday there will be something
more than this
if he ever finds the courage to swing
with me,

but I doubt it...



~

Author notes

I already entered this, but I removed it. I wasn't quite sure what to think of the poem when I cut out 40 words of the initial thought/expression. Then it turned out you liked it, so I decided to enter the shorter version.

Longer version: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5832147

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Mango Memories gold member
    October 31
    Edit | Reply
    I <3 This.


  • jazzcat gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    Great job. I love the innuendos, the pacing works well for your story, just a bit of apprehension. You do a great job of allowing us to see everything clearly and feel what's going on inside the narrator


  • Nom de Plume
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    enjoyed this... know the feeling oh too well, of liking someone who doesnt even know you exist, been a few girls like that in my lifetime...love the pitching line, sums it up wonderfully...good luck
    Cheers'


  • Amera gold member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed this poem, I liked it enough to not go read the longer version. I think this is special because of what you don't say. You let me, the reader decide just what is going on between the two of you. The way you have written this poem is like a movie with two endings and I can chose the one I like best. I'm sure you will do well in this contest. Well done!

    Love,
    Amera


  • stef-witt gold member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    THIS IS GREAT!!!

    I'm breaking "netiquette" to yell that at you, because I really want to drive the point home

    Loving the throw-backs to baseball (swinging/pitching).

    Fantastic!! Good luck


  • Matt E. Smith gold member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    copied from the other version:

    there is so much innuendo in this and I can't tell whether it was intentional or not. if it was I like the poem that much more....

    "He checks me out,
    though he’s got baseball practice later,
    so he’s not ready to pitch anything to me"

    that is such a loaded sentence lol

    anyway, I actually prefer the poem where you left it as opposed to the addition in your authors notes. well written. thank you for entering.

1 - 6 of 6