My garden blooms abundantly
Astor, Jonquille, Zephyranth,
Yet bare remains the Cinquefoil
Whose buds drop wilted 'pon the path
With treat I tend the fertile soil
Swift fingertips pluck out the weed
Yet bare remains the Cinquefoil
Though blooms I grow from other seed
The Cinquefoil is lover's rose
Though blooms not large nor scarlet red
Where I attend Adonis grows
I fear my lover's rose is dead
With scissors sharp I prune the Rue
Dead leaf from stem I separate
Yet bare remains the Cinquefoil
Perhaps my love arises late
Oh sorrow sorrow hear me weep
So empty and forlorn the vine
The Willow's tears are mine to keep
For lover's rose no longer mine
September settles blooms decay
The Marigold and Daffodil
All wither wilt and fade away
Except the rose, which never will
Yet bare remains the Cinquefoil
No bloom a-rose to bid adieu
Though fertile fed and rich the soil
I will not see my lover's bloom
Author notes
Parody
http://poemhunter.com/poem/alms/
Edna St. Vincent Millay
honest critiques opinions PLEASE
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Well, I can't say much that others haven't already. This is indeed a superb piece that flows eloquently both in tone, feeling, and, of course, rhythm - truly flawless! Quite an accomplishment.
While, like others, my favorite stanza is #5 for the Willow metaphor, I also liked how the tone of the poem seems to change right at the end of stanza 4. The gardener, it seems, is only mildly affected and perhaps, confused, by the barrenness of the rose bush at the beginning but then seems to give the phenomenon more and more significance with the passage of each stanza until in the end, full-on melancholy sets in. Excellent!
Thanks for a very pleasant read! Cheers!
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hehe...where annoyed becomes forlorn as full realization sets in? ..Thank you for your kind comments.
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I liked this poem a lot, I had no idea what a cinquefoil is...a new word for me! Perfect flow and I really like the rhyme format. Lovely!
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eh..just another fancy name for a rose.
and you know that saying..a rose is a rose is a rose.....
ty!
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Well done in both rhyme and rhythm. I like the eight syllable consistency and the variation in rhyme.
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i'm not familiar with the Cinquefoil plant, i have to google it to know what it looks like.
i LOVE the last 3 stanzas:
Oh sorrow sorrow hear me weep
So empty and forlorn the vine
The Willow's tears are mine to keep
For lover's rose no longer mine
September settles blooms decay
The Marigold and Daffodil
All wither wilt and fade away
Except the rose, which never will
Yet bare remains the Cinquefoil
No bloom a-rose to bid adieu
Though fertile fed and rich the soil
I will not see my lover's bloom
That almost made me cry.
Great rhythm and rhyming, though on the last stanza, adieu and bloom doesn't rhyme well.
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This is indeed a beautiful poem and I find the rhyme and flow are perfect. This was a real pleasure to read aloud and your imagery was perfect.
All the best
Sue
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I so wish I could write like this! An awesome poem that you have so beautifully penned. I love it
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Drawn to this by my love of gardens. There are so many layers to this just like a garden, such wonderful rhyme and flow and oh, the deeper meanings. Great work.
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Thats a wonderful poem in every aspect Sinful. The parody is perfect the description was perfect and the rhyme and rythm was perfect...Is there another word to use here...Good luck in the comp...Dan
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Poignant
Expressions of fair bloom seem bare
as cavemouth yet through hibernation
a fairer flowering may prepare
that superficial consternation
puts in perspective. Though sharp air
heralds winter's consternation
spring follows on and soon may share
warmth which on examination
may melt past welt, joy heartfelt, rare
to bless tomorrow's approbation
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and yet so many blooms to tend
and each requires some small attention
awaiting air of spring to mend
what winter welt, such consternation
may seem superficial bare
yet hid beneath - real admiration
joy reserved for rose so rare
should warmer air end hibernation
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Hon how beautiful I can't describe it and I usually can but... that rose I felt so sorry for it, or is it a person? someone you care about who can't grow beyond what they are? they struggle to get out and grow but they find no soil (love) to grow. Hmm this has me thinking now lol thanks for sharing and making my mind wonder about who/what you care so much for or the muse which brings such words to us.Whatever it is I'd like to thank it and you for bringing such beauty to me first thing in the morning
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I was puzzled
as to me Cinquefoil is not a rose but a creeping yellow perennial plant. I googled and this came up.
Any of several plants of the genus Potentilla in the rose family. so I have learned something new today. One forgets how many plants that look totally unrelated are from the same genus.
Oh sorrow sorrow hear me weep
So empty and forlorn the vine
The Willow's tears are mine to keep
For lover's rose no longer mine
I especially liked this verse but the whole poem has a gentle romantic feel to it.
I read the link poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay so appreciate your parody all the more now.
good luck with the contest
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Thank you for following the link and even looking up cinquefoil. It was hard to find a flower that fit so I appreciate that you did. The other flowers mentioned also represent a form of love as well, something I learned through writing the poem. Again, thank you!
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gosh..
this has a melodic beauty to it..it may be meant to be humorous, but i just got lost in the wonderful word phrasings so much i felt myself getting dreamy..
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This is truly beautiful! You have taken a well used subject and breathed new life into it with your own poetic voice. You have created a masterpiece by using the form structure as a tool to create beauty and not let it rule your originality. This poem is a joy to recite aloud. Well done!
Love,
Amera
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oooo..from you, so proficient with form and structure, thank you!
keeping the rhyme alive....=)
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In Vision
And in words all I can now see and think of is a garden botanical where one flower reigns magnificient and forever. But oh this trembling mind of mine.
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Your poems are almost seductive..Your thought expressions put into words is second to none..I love your style..It is your own..I respect it so much..I learn from it..I am better because of it..Thank you...
John
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beautiful yet sorrowfull, love the rhyme and references , i'm sure the willows tears will not rest in your garden long , good read, brava!!
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Very lyrical. I had not heard of Cinquefoil till now.
Patience will not work here.
Your love like Millay's, gone.
S5 liken it
a parody I've never done
you make it look easy, which I a msure it is not
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Now that I have re-read it with gotten knowledge, I chuckled quite a bit.
Poor impotent rose, poor tender of the flower: drooping, wilting, never rising. Oh, woe is she. -
hehe...I had to search for a fitting flower name there..as each one has a meaning. Thank you !!
Bless you Fiona !! (all woe-is-me's, it seems I'm left with batteries)
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This is a very beautiful poem. Your rhyme is excellent and it flows nicely without any breaks. I would love to point out my favorite part, but the only problem is, the whole thing is equally fantastic! You are an excellent poet!
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