Not You

I can give you words as sweet as lilies,
But you just never listen.
I can tell you it’ll be okay in the end,
But you push me away.
It was a matter of my heart or his name.
You chose his name over my heart.
You said you loved me,
But I stood back and saw where you went.

Maybe had I been born two minutes after you,
You’d choose me over your twin.
Maybe I could have saved my own heart,
But in that phone call, you ripped it away from me.
You claimed you still loved me to my parents.
Sad to say, your actions didn’t say the same.
You can blame me even now,
But I have no sympathy to show you.
I don’t want you back nor do I want your name.
I’ve already been put to shame to learn this terrible lesson.
I should’ve listened,
But I didn’t want to believe you’d be so deceiving.

I pray and try to keep moving on.
It wasn’t my fault that you did all those things.
I was broken by you and the entire family.
My fear was that I wouldn’t be accepted by your mother,
But we both can see how that’s been shattered.
I see that I can try to do the best I can,
But if I don’t do it in the right direction, I fall.
It’s okay because I’ll rise up and stand tall
Even though they slap me in the face
Hoping I never forget my own disgrace.

I pretend to be strong in front of everyone.
I tell them I’m over it, and there’s no knife.
Maybe I’m lying to myself or forcing myself,
But the truth kills as bad your voice.
We make a choice,
And at the beginning I didn’t want to be here.
I smile when I realize I got over some of those fears.

Photos paint a picture of a thousand words.
I guess I have a thousand swords
With the pictures I have remaining.
I look at them from time to time.
At this I start counting my last dime.

Maybe that kind of love isn’t for me,
But don’t think I’ll shed another tear for you.
I have found some good ones come along,
But because of you I question them all!
If it weren’t for my beliefs then you’d be worse off.
I dropped the charges, and let my heart break for you.
I was about to give up my dreams,
And I was ready to give up my life.
I know where I went wrong.
I placed you above God,
I place a fraud above God!
Therefore, I was not always right,
But I learned through all those sleepless nights.

You play stupid games with your brother,
And I was left to an ignorant mother.
Here I’ll say, “Thank you!”
Without you and the rest, I wouldn’t have seen ugly.
I wouldn’t have gotten out of my “everyone’s good” bubble.
I have now realized the real troubles.
I now know that people are out to hurt me.
I realize the importance of wisdom.
Now, I have truly seen the reality.

I can move on and live my life,
But your ways caused so much strife.
I guess there is no bond like you and your family,
But were they not the ones, who screamed “worthless” at you?!
I guess you knew what you were doing all along.
You made up your plot to lie and deceive me that weekend.
It wasn’t joyous like the proposed wedding.
This honestly wasn’t the perfect ending.

I have finally realized that being a dove is sometimes my downside.
Being to kind to the undeserving has its rewards,
But for those I will seek patience and wisdom.
I tried to lower myself below you,
But now I see you were undeserving and untrue.
This time I’ll find what I’m due.
All I know is that wisdom says, “It’s not you.”

©2009 Jo Ann Cook