Dying love.
What a joke.
What a dream.
When they tell me,
“All good things come to an end”
I smirk.
Sure, they are right.
But they cannot comprehend the meaning.
I am solitary in my understanding,
And the harsh reality cuts,
Like a blade slicing the throat
of some vapid whore.
She will feel that blood drown her,
As she says goodbye.
That’s when it hits her.
That’s when it bites.
Fate starves death of all things good,
Because all good things come to an end,
Much sooner than life’s demise.
A contest entry
- Catharsis by Sickopath333.
800 points, ends December 13, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
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The title was a tad weak in this piece; what exactly is "True Darkness" supposed to be? It sounds a bit cliche and very pretentious (but since it is consistent throughout the poem that isn't necessarily a bad thing; it turns me off a bit though, not a fan of arrogance). Now the tone is consistent throughout the piece, but the poem's title seemed a tad odd. It wasn't darkness that was on the death bed, but all good things and such so it seemed misleading as I read along. Might change it up a bit. And one minor note; in the second stanza, since you were grammatically correct with this piece you need a comma inside the ending part of the quotations, "like this," bla bla bla (that second comma).
It is in the 4th stanza that I bump into a real snag as the poem went along. The issue of solitary in my understanding (I assume it isn't talking of understanding of one self, but of the poem's content and message). That's too arrogant even if I wasn't bothered by arrogance; maybe that's a bit of the poem's point (gothic/emo kinds of people are full of themselves sort of a thing), but if so it could hit that point home a little stronger. The little detail with that stanza that seemed off was the line break between the 3rd and 4th line; seems unnecessary really since it flows together (maybe you wanted it to have a consistent length?).
As the poem came to a close and delivered the message talked about in the 4th stanza I thought it was a bit.. disappointing if you will. The earlier tones, if nothing other than maybe turned a few people off, it really did build hope and a sort of credibility that this would be a powerful and unique message. Maybe it would benefit with a bit of hidden meaning and metaphor, but it being direct and a little too weak didn't give this a satisfactory conclusion (you knew it was the end, but it didn't feel like a lucid kiss of death or an explosion of passionate beauty or rage). Plus, there is one worse issue even; it's actually illogical (to some extent). If all good things dissipate before death comes, then that means death truly is merciful unlike the first line of the concluding stanza states; death is not robbed of all things good, due to life already being empty long before life concludes. It puts an end to that state where nothing good exists anymore.
This is definitely where the poem is weakest; it's too short for the rest of the poem to make up for a weak conclusion (no poem should end weakly, but that judgment can vary depending on how the rest of it built up and all). There were good elements (somewhat overdone but not a bad subject matter, nice imagery here and there), and I like the classical way you did this poem (all capital beginnings, punctuation to control the flow, and all that), but it definitely could use a little polishing. I might also play around with the length of the lines (all the abrupt, little lines weakened it a tad; can't build it up enough without more powerful language when it's so brief). Hopefully these statements will help you with this piece and others, and thank you for entering into the contest; maybe you got some catharsis from it. -
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I think you're right, this is definitely one of my weakest poems, and not my usual style (as you may through in the rest of my work).
This has been the most informative and helpful comment I have ever recieved, thank you a million.
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