Do you remember when I ran my first mile,
took my first step,
wrote my first poem?
Do you remember who helped me when I fell,
helped me to get up,
you a total stranger?
Do you remember why you betrayed my trust,
you threw me away,
thrown away, not once, but THRICE?
Do you remember what I said to you then,
you made a mistake,
I will never come back.
What did you think
Comments
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She wasn't there for the first verse. You can't put the burden of what never happened onto her. She has enough to bear knowing she had you and let you slip away. And for constructive critism... um... "thrown away not once but thrice" doesn't fit. To long in comparision with the rest of the 3rd lines... just "not once, but thrice" would probably work...
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this is real good u can feel the emotion in this nice work
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i like this its ... i dont know its really somr thing thats how it was whan my mum kicked me out of her house i told her that i wouldn't come back and that was 3 years ago
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Do you remember when I ran my first mile,
took my first step,
wrote my first poem?
uhhm no..
Do you remember who helped me when I fell,
helped me to get up,
you a total stranger?
Strangers can only help so much.
Do you remember why you betrayed my trust,
you threw me away,
thrown away, not once, but THRICE?
*hugs*
Do you remember what I said to you then,
you made a mistake,
I will never come back.
This is your best one I think because you established the rhythm and beat in the beginning and kept it going through the whole poem which can be very hard to do, your syllables aline and you poem sings
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