From open mouths
words fall like feathers
and come to rest on a puddle.
While watching them drown in the silence of my reflection
I decide to lend an ear to those distant voices-
and before the final ripple is lost
I find myself on a stream;
gliding
through the green and tender leaves
of trees which smooth my face and stroke my hair,
pushing me onwards and upwards
through cotton wool clouds
and into outer-space.
Soaring amongst stars
with outstretched arms
I swirl in the solar system, and catch
a fleeting glimpse of the sleeping sun.
But the moment my shadow begins to form
I sink slowly back to earth-
settling on a city street
where I continue to wander,
and wave at the hands in car windows.
Author notes
POM CONTEST. Seeking enlightenment. I've always dismissed this kind of stuff but I dabbled with meditation recently, I was really into it for a while but as usual I got bored and ended up just as confused as ever.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest Best Prewrites:October 2009 by amaranthine lover.
2875 points, ended November 28, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Contest by Blue-Rose Beauty.
1050 points, ended November 25, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking For Favourites - Impress Me! by LavendeRFlameS.
2300 points, ended November 24, 85 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry needs a new class of writers... by Why so serious.
550 points, ended December 1, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Give me your very best!!!! Tons of points! by God is my reality.
1750 points, ended December 1, 226 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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22.03 / 25
This is wonderfully done, but I felt that you got too carried away with the idea that you were shooting for because it seems that you overextended the poem for your audience. I suggest just cutting out some of the unnecessary stuff, which will leave a tighter, stronger piece. -
I see you flying. I do that often. Soaring is good for the soul. It leaves us in a wonderful place, with an altered perspective... Confusing sometimes? Yes! LOL
I loved your rising with the sun, and eventually see it fall asleep at days end. This is a wonderful work of images, moods, and sensations. I even felt a sped up pace of heart when you wandered out into the indigo universe. Exquisite! I missed your wordsmith's smooth.
Much Love & Light ♥
Renee
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Interesting....
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From open mouths
words fall like feathers
and come to rest on a puddle.
oooh.. I just LOVED this write!
Thanks for entering.
9/10 -
Been awhile since I have read anything from you and i'm still impressed.
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your thoughts penned are so transparent
the breath of abstract gives life to each image
painted, I do have to say you cast me in visions
that peacefully live in my minds eyes and bloom
well done poet, good luck in the contest
Love and blessings
Rend
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A very interesting poem . . . I like the celestial comparison in the title, because so many of these enlightenment ideas play off the skies . . . and many of their leaders are rather star addled
My comment to you . . . cut out words wherever you can . . . this felt very wordy to me . . . and that effects your flow so greatly!
I agree with Bear here . . . you could have blown this out of the water!
But this was good, and my scoreboard, I think, shall reflect that.
But, you cannot see those scores until the end
Best wishes,
Zach Estel. -
The title alone
grabbed me... as
most excellent!
'bout half way
I was so
seeing abstract
That I could hardly
dream the feel
and I love it!
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Nice
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Hello Alex
Yes.....you have captured my attention here....but this Theme is one which I believe should knock my socks off -
It seems as though you took the easy way and played it a tad safe here in this POM....I was looking for that POWER and Ummmph from your quill.....nonetheless, very convincing personification with your subject -
Let my board say the rest....good luck buddy!
Bear -
Title 9.15....I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this Genre....even as a MET ( MET = metaphorical piece )....but, still not too bad after reading the write -
Flow 8.8....very choppy Flow....when you bring *and* down to a new L, it holds me up and makes me wonder, if you are starting something new and forgot to CAP or what -
Depth 9.4.. ....for only 22 L's allotted to you....you could have expanded a brif bit more IMHO.....there was room to do so -
Theme 9.5..Creative.....but I have seen this Theme a few times....however....not exactly....but close, and not done as well as this write -
Feelings 8.85...lacking in this area a bit.....I would think you would want to make me stop and go....wow!....with this Theme -
Grammar 9.3...pretty straight-forward write -
Presentation 9.0...you broke up your thoughts into smaller and larger S's (S's = Stanzas )....and that helps the Flow....IMO.....but....when you bring down *and*...it sure hurts -
Uncommonness...8.85..Theme has been done a few times very similiar...but your approach is quite nice -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.60...I did ponder....a little...I enjoyed the last thoughts -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
-Bears Score: 92.45
Not bad Alex....just a few areas which I believe huit this score hard....and it really could have went the other way around with Title choices and Theme -
No editing once a Judge has touched your work or until after contest closes please -
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Nice imagery!
Title..........9
Flow...........9
Depth........9
Theme.......9
Feelings.....8
Grammar....9
Presentation....8
Uncommoness....8
Sit and Ponder....8
Follows Rules.....10
Your total: 87 -
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Thanks a lot Frogzter.
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Title: 9
Flow: 8
Theme: 8
Feelings: 7
Grammar: 8
Presentation: 8
Uncommoness: 8
Sit and Ponder: 7
Depth: 8
Follow Instructions: 10
Total Points: 81
Michael
No editing once a Judge has touched your work - -
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Thanks Mr Savage.
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If this is unfinished, I'm looking forward to the finished product! Excellent poem, full of arresting imagery, and I love the notion that although our bodies may be confined to the physical earth, our imaginations are free to soar.
Good work,
Bill
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that last image really sticks. I like this.
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profound images here absolutely stunning.
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