I dream of the moon's sweet white wine
And sipping it as we spend time
By our secret river far away
Where we hide and choose to stay
For this world can not know
Of the love we deeply sow
As our garden over flows
In our place that no one knows
But time just won't let us be
As the wind whispers "it can not be"
But the moon shines bright and pours us wine
Setting us free on stolen time
By our river we hide deep
Speaking only what lovers speak
Waiting till we need not hide
Where our river sweetly resides
But until then the river waits
For the moon's sweet embrace
Where love grows always true
I stare at the moon and wait for you...
A contest entry
- Head vs Heart (quickie, prewrites allowed) by BeachBum1.
550 points, ended October 31, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
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flawless
fantastic piece you have conjured up here, I loved the metaphor of the moon pouring you wine, great imagery. Emotive and poetic, love that wants to escape into itself, I loved the rhyme and the pace well constructed and thought out..the last line keeps us lingering...Where love grows always true
I stare at the moon and wait for you..' thank-you for entering good luck
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tidy and clean
I can see a lot of my own past in this poem. From my point of view, if you talk about the moon and love, you can't be far from perfection! The river, the wine, waiting on time - these are all the 'right' images. You took the time to 'meter' them into 20 lines and made them fit quite well. The subject matter and the effort to catch those electrifying feelings in words cannot go unrewarded. Good job on this and please continue your 'waxing' descriptions of our only orb companion in the sky. I'll be looking for them.
chalice
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It's alright, but you use a lot of the same imagery and words over and over again. Perhaps you could revise it to be shorter, this could be summed up in two stanzas instead of four. Take the matters of importance, condense it down and don't use the words moon, wine and rivers so much.
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