It is a beautiful day-- the kind of day where even cockroaches are romantic and inspecting sewers can be enjoyable. However, happily, we are nowhere near a sewer. Instead, we find ourselves in a MEADOW. There is a dirt road off to one side, and an ancient oak tree on a hill; far off in the distance a HOUSE is almost visible in the fine, midmorning haze.
After a few moments of birdsong, a CAR comes down the road. It isn't a particularly exciting car; large and red, it clanks and rusts and repeatedly coughs up the kinds of substances that make environmentalists cry. Not that that's hard to do, mind.
There are two people in the car-- a GIRL and a BOY. They both look to be roughly seventeen or so. It's not entirely known where they have been or what they have been doing, but considering their dishevelled appearances, it probably wasn't kosher.
GIRL: Pull over here.
BOY: (complying) You sure? I can drive you to your house if you want.
He doesn't really want to; he says the words with the air of someone vomiting up lines from a script.
GIRL: (shaking her head) No, I'll be fine. Besides, I need the exercise.
She doesn't; she just doesn't want anyone besides herself knowing of her nighttime activities, whatever they are. It's not so much that she's afraid of getting in trouble; she's just ashamed of having to stoop to this particular BOY's level, but she has come to the conclusion she doesn't have a choice. She doesn't want to be alone, after all.
BOY: (sceptical) All right. I'll see you tomorrow?
A look of panic flashes over the GIRL's face for a moment, but fades before the BOY can catch it-- or perhaps he wasn't that interested anyway.
GIRL: I can't. I have homework.
When the BOY replies, he is trying to imitate some kind of disappointment, but he can't quite manage it.
BOY: Oh. Okay. I'll see you sometime, then.
GIRL: All right. I love you.
She's lying.
BOY: I love you too.
He is too. They lean in for a brief kiss, but it's a bit like an abandoned soda can: empty, apart from a little bit of stickiness on the inside.
Her role played, the GIRL opens the door and steps out of the CAR. The BOY starts the vehicle up again and rolls off without a backwards glance; the GIRL inhales the smoky emissions and gives a sigh of something akin to relief as she walks back home.
Author notes
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'm tired. It prolly shows. XD
Mooooooo.
Basically... This is a meaningless, unemotional relationship, simply because neither party wants to be alone; however, each one is wracked with the terror that the other one IS serious, so they keep up the facade. It's getting old.
Any editing suggestions would be Muchly Appreciated!!
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round Seven [Top 7] by sideways hourglass.
800 points, ended November 6, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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meaningless
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 8/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 9/10
Quality of main theme: 8/10
Quality of storyline: 8/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 8/10
Emotion/Reaction: 8/10
Overall quality of script: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 85/100
There is too much exposition in this. Scripts are about action and dialogue, not poetic descriptions. The dialogue should explain the motivations. The only way this would work is to have voice overs and even those can be overdone.
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meaningless
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 9/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 10/10
Quality of main theme: 9/10
Quality of storyline: 8/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 9/10
Emotion/Reaction: 8/10
Overall quality of script: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 89/100
~Genie~ -
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Thank you!
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82
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 6/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 10/10
Quality of main theme: 8/10
Quality of storyline: 6/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 8/10
Emotion/Reaction: 8/10
Overall quality of script: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 82/100
This is good, but I honestly felt like this particular concept paved an easy path for you. I was hoping for stronger characters. Also, I thought this may have been a little too short to leave a solid enough impact to impress me most among the other entries. You had the burger. There's the meat and the bread, but there's no cheese, lettuce, tomato - there just needed to be more going on here to give it more depth. While this overall topic is a good one, it is also something that is talked about almost every day - I just felt there were other issues to choose from that were more important. It's a good script in general, but in regards to the competition, I think you played it safe, but like I said...in general, this is good.
Just my opinion.
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Geh, yes. >.< This was the best thing that came to mind... but meh.
Thank you!
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This is short, but poignant! I think this is an issue that spans age groups. You have chosen teenagers, but I think your script represents a wide span of people.
Nicely done!
Best wishes,
K
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Aww. Thank you. ^_^
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Clanks might sound better than clangs.
I love this. You know that.
I really have to work on mine... xD
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MOO!!
Danke. -hug-
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