The earth belongs to those who watch the sky
Who find within its vaults a grand romance
Where stars and comets gleam upon the eye
Souls take wing to join the celestial dance
Who find within its vaults a grand romance?
The watchers that see past this veil of tears
Souls take wing to join the celestial dance
As planets sing the music of the spheres
The watchers that see past this veil of tears
Where gravity's cruel fists keep spirits chained
As planets sing the music of the spheres
They rise in song with voices unrestrained
Where gravity's cruel fists keep spirits chained
The dreamers gaze into the depths of space
They rise in song with voices unrestrained
And soar into the night without a trace
The dreamers gaze into the depths of space
Where stars and comets gleam upon the eye
And soar into the night without a trace
The earth belongs to those who watch the sky
Author notes
My first attempt at a pantoum.
Any advice on how I could improve this piece?
Any better ideas for a title?
How would you improve this?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This IS an absolutely superb pantoum! Brilliant and so very excellent in each and every regard! I just plain loved it!!!
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Thank you for your enthusiasm.
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This is gorgeous. My least favorite parts are before it starts and after it ends.
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Hahaha! That's a clever comment! Thanks.
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You're welcome!
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This is really good. I liked how you took the last line in each stanza and put it in the one below it. Very well done. Thanks for sharing and i'd really enjoy reading your other poems.
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Thank you very much, I hope you do enjoy checking out my other pieces. And I plan on reading some of your works as well, klown girl.
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I don't know much about Pantoum, I think it's wonderful, reading it over I kind of get the gist and I applaud your efforts for branching out. It carries the feal of a little de-ja-vu and your like, wait I just read that line.
well done. -NP
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I like how you call it de ja vu, I felt that way when I was studying some to learn the form! Thanks for the comment.
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I may not have figured out this was a pantoum, had you not said so. Smooth and c lear. What a good poem you have here. Love stargazing, and this reads like a starsong.
Very nice. Lyrical iambic pen. For me the line,
And soar into night without a trace, needs another syllable. into the night, or into (adj) night.
The word, the, before celestial takes away from the iambic.
Well done. I like the title and think it fits.
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Thank you so much! Very good advice.
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