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The sacrificial Piece

I grew  tired of her game, her constant retreat.
Just a pawn in her game of chess, a sacrificial piece to win her game!
I switched the odds, changed the rules
pushed her to the edge,
undid her wrongs, replaced my own.
Time to see what happens past  her jaded world,
time to see what lives in mine.
Where the waves crash with the tears shed by the many.
The jagged rocks, from the hatred
Fall into my world add to the sea, add to the rocks.
Do it for me, I did it for you.

Author notes

http://his--butterfly.deviantart.com/art/The-Sea-Calls-141267925

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Sweet Impatience gold member
    November 12

    Edit | Reply
    FIrst of all I love the way you took this prompt. I can give you lots of suggestions,but remember it's entirely left up to you what you want to do.. one suggestion that I have is to break this up a bit, make either 2 or 3 five or perhaps four line stanzas. it helps the flow of the poem and helps the reader.

    The second line break it up into two lines instead of one.. put the break at the end of chess. then place " a sacrificial piece to win her game!" beneath it.. don't capitalize the "a" leave it lower case.


    --- another suggestion, try not to repeat the same word in the poem. I would suggest finding another word that means the same thing.. I do this a lot, I use this
    website a lot:


    http://thesaurus.reference.com/

    so I would say go through your poem and find all the duplicate words, and go to the Thesaurus and find words that mean the same thing, and make sure it fits the context.. then go from there.

    --- these two lines threw me off a lot, they didn't make sense..

    "Where the waves crash with the tears shed by the many.
    The jagged rocks, from the hatred"

    they would be lines 8 and 9

    I hope that this helps you, that was my intention. I find that it helps me when others point out things that I could make better. They often see the mistakes or things that I generally can't see.

    Good Luck
    Kat