Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Cigarette rings, electric shock and a twist of fate

The world revolves randomly

like a coin spun on it's edge

as I learn to grow

remembering colors of love


unsatisfied hunger

layered loosely, waiting on an exit

mind over matter

with a soft hum around existence


like cigarette rings exhaled into a non-existent ceiling

with a brief pause before disappearing

or electric shock therapy

a simple twist of one's fate


I witness your every weakness

dissect it's content

listless thoughts tangled incoherently

sketched into a portrait of "us"


the crisp November day use to hold promise

like softness of curve

it made a statement, something to feast upon


now the clock ticks silently in the background

grinding on the narrow elements of nerve


a long shadow of morning creeps slow

from the edge of frazzled memory cells

black birds peck at left over seed


an amusing process as identity breaks day

bent backwards

scattered like bones of history


hair gracefully slides across your face

and stars bloom inside placid eyes


I observe ~

opposites cannot blend

in a world of undefined gray-zones


yet, I stake my spot

and brace for the imminent storm

 

 -this too shall pass

 

 

10-25-09


Author notes

Prompt:
Günter Eich Apocrypha


A pretty girl asks
for my autograph,
delighted! Except
it's her cigarette
she wants signed,

then lighted. Think about it.
I do. And am
for a moment
the happiest man
that I have ever known—

I have seen my end
and it is someone else's
body, breath
and lovely
inspiration.


FRANZ WRIGHT

A contest entry

Not sure about the title...it's 1:30 am...lol

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • cvillelisa
    November 5

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for entering. I have taken an axe to this. Too much cliche and telling instead of showing in some of the lines -- they detract, in my opinion of course, from some good imagery and universal messaging.



    Like a coin spun on it's edge
    the world revolves randomly

    like cigarette rings exhaled into a non-existent ceiling
    with a brief pause before disappearing
    or electric shock therapy
    a simple twist of one's fate

    the crisp November day use to hold promise
    it made a statement, something to feast upon

    now the clock ticks silently in the background
    grinding on the narrow elements of nerve

    black birds peck at left over seed
    a long shadow of morning creeps slow

    identity breaks day
    bent backwards
    scattered like bones of history

    hair gracefully slides across your face

    opposites cannot blend
    in a world of undefined gray-zones

    I stake my spot
    and brace for the imminent storm


    Obviously just my take on the strength areas of the poem. And I appreciate the entry.

    Best,
    Lisa







  • Heavenly Angel silver member
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    A most excellent piece this is!
    Very, very well written!
    I wish you all the very bet in this contest, hon; it deserves the very best!

  • Rowan gold member
    October 25

    Edit | Reply

    I like the title, loved the poem.


  • lunarlunacy
    October 25
    Edit | Reply
    well done


  • Cup-a-Joe
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    Well this is an excellent work. I will have to read it again and redigest it. I like the title best of all. lol

    Joe


  • crivanea silver member
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    just stunning

    a long shadow of morning creeps slow

    from the edge of frazzled memory cells

    black birds peck at left over seeds


    i love the metaphor in that stanza..and i adore the imagery through the poem..amazing


  • Cannonsfire
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    For a 1.30am title it's ok lol..the poem itself is blam! it hits you in the face and knocks you backwards, so much to take in and the bitterness is evident in it. I have known a few people in my time like this and yes I let them stay inside too damn long with me, festered and embittered and yet didn't have the mind set to let go. I am glad I am sitting here in the quiet reading, I get to see two of yours now in the space of an hour and it's a good thing C

1 - 8 of 8