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Burning

V1

 

You come in my life

stirring me up and

you make me crazy

 

Chorus

 

I wanna know, I wanna know

how you can affect me so?

 

V2

 

I can't think straight cause you

turn me upside down

I can't breathe cause you

take away my breath

 

Chorus

 

I wanna know, I wanna know

How can you affect me so?

 

V3

 

Matters of the heart

have been long dead

for me now, but

you come along

and light me up

 

Hook/bridge

 

I'm burning in a blaze

such lovely, lovely flames

I'm burning in a blaze

such lovely, lovely flames.

 

Chorus (repeated two times)

 

I wanna know, I wanna know

how you can affect me so?

I wanna know, I wanna know

how can you affect me so?

 

Author notes

Lyrics

Prompt: Current Affairs

Thank you for your comments

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    Burning


    First impression: 7/10
    Relative to prompt: 8/10
    Creativity with prompt: 10/10
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 8/10
    Flow, Melody/Rhythm etc: 8/10
    Cohesion: 5/5
    Use of poetic device in general: 8/10
    Poet's personal effort: 8/10
    Song's "profound" effect: 7/10
    Rules followed: 3/5
    Last impression: 7/10

    Extra credit points:

    Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
    Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
    Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5


    Total score: 94/115



    I would have liked to see your resource links and an idea for a future round offered in your author's notes.

    That aside:

    I am not certain this is the kind of "current affair" that Laura meant, however, she did say - take it where you will.

    I would have liked to see you expand this more and write from a different approach rather than a much expected theme that is common in love songs. I loved it that you ran with "Current Affairs" in this direction. You have a good sense of humor.

    Thank you. ~Pamela



    • Little Eagle Greeters member
      October 28

      Edit | Reply
      umm.. resources? I didn't use any resources, as far as suggestions for future rounds, completly forgot about that

      LOL Glad you saw a sense of humor in this, I've been near out of my mind over this experience, barely able to concentrait. The direction I took with the prompt was the only way I could take it, at least for me, I couldn't think of anything else to write about that was related to what's going on in the world, I definitely would have tanked with that one. As it is I am sure this is the round that will have done me in, since I should have been gone last round.


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    Burning:


    First impression: 6/10
    Relative to prompt: 7/10
    Creativity with prompt: 7/10
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
    Flow, Melody/Rhythm etc: 8/10
    Cohesion: 5/5
    Use of poetic device in general: 8/10
    Poet's personal effort: 7/10
    Song's "profound" effect: 7/10
    Rules followed: 5/5
    Last impression: 8/10

    Extra credit points:

    Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
    Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
    Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5


    Total score: 93/115


    The emotion is lacking from this piece and instead of repeats enforcing your message, this is short and rather abrupt. In honesty, it feels like this was just thrown in here to meet the deadline...i can't feel "Tammy" in it at all.


    laura.


    • Little Eagle Greeters member
      October 28
      Edit | Reply
      It is true that this was done in a hurry, however this is completely me. This is a current situation that I am going through the chorus is actually something I have said to the person this is about, actually most of this is things I have said to the person this is about. I am not much of a song writer though


      • Laura Lamarca gold member
        October 28
        Edit | Reply
        it was the overall feeling of "rushed" that made an initial impact upon me...some extra description in your verses and possibly an injection of subtle metaphor too would've enriched the underlying emotions. i just didn't get the "grit" of you here.


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    You took this in a completely different direction but you wrote lyrics that everyone can remember. I'd love the answer to that question too. How can some people affect us so much even when we don't want them to? Peace, Liz


  • Summer Daze silver member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    I know this would sound great, much better than just reading it as poetry. It may be a little simplistic, but that's what sells. Perhaps you have a future as a songwriter.


  • Naridill
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    The content is simple but it works. And its funny that you mention White Stripes below as it was actually playing when I read this


  • AliceinPoetryLand gold member
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    Love this Tammy! And it would make such a great song. There are many songs with few lyrics that are very strong, like yours. The repetition certainly makes this work for me. Many people who sing along(I am a closet sing alonger) can learn these easily. It's quite catchy
    Excellent and my best wishes in this round
    gaylene


  • sideways hourglass
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    I wasn't sure about the brevity of this, because I had a hard time getting into the emotion - but then again, this seems like one of those songs that will have a lot of music in it...which therefore leaves a "less is more" impact [If the music evokes the right kind of emotion - perhaps a Coldplay or Kings of Leon edge would work - well, so I imagined]. Either way, I did enjoy this. Good luck.


    • Little Eagle Greeters member
      October 24
      Edit | Reply
      something with a lot of guitar. I love the guitar lol. As I said I was listening to the White Stripes, so that music would play in my head for this one. That or STP lol


  • Griswold silver member
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    I like the white stripes. But this must be YOUR current affairs. I was under the impression we had to write on "World" current affairs... Well done though an excellent song. Best of luck this round... Scott


    • Little Eagle Greeters member
      October 24
      Edit | Reply

      lol

      Well she did say take it where you will, and yea, this is MY current affairs lol


      • Griswold silver member
        October 24
        Edit | Reply
        I dont think it will score too high on the following directions part of the rubric.


        • Nickelspring gold member
          October 24
          Edit | Reply
          I don't know about that - the prompt is simply Current Affairs, take it where you will-- this is where my mind went first, but not having a current 'affair', it went no where


  • Nickelspring gold member
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    As I read this aloud I could really hear someone singing this! And I love your take on the prompt! Very nicely done!
    Best wishes,
    K

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