Toxicity’s scent replaces every particle of morning air;
splash only the most vibrant colors onto a suit of impassivity
and wait for acrylic substitutes of past radiance to sink
into the seams and surface of washed out skin.
Layers of paint reconstruct all the attributes of my body language,
tugging my eye sockets to their original direction,
guiding defeated hands into confining pockets
like an assaulted lab animal to its cage.
There is a different pigment leaking
from every single one of these mangled organs.
Each cell that works together to create my appearance
is a brand new canvas; impatient for a palette's attention.
I could be your world’s decoration; dripping new reformation
with an outer shell so masterfully refined
that when the Lady of Sorrow senses my presence,
she will never be able to look me in the eyes again.
We’ll retrace our steps until this burial never happened;
unlocking stale resplendence that got lost along the way,
letting it soak through each drying coat
until underneath, it settles
just enough
to let go.
Author notes
October 27, 2009... Got into some bullshit involving romance with my best friend. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Now I know that if I ever want things to go back to the way they used to be, I have to change back into my old self for him, and paint myself into the person I was instead of the angsting bitch I've turned into... at this point, I just want my BFF back.
A contest entry
- confession by philosphyofkate.
9000 points, ended November 18, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE be HONEST when commenting my writing. Tell me I SUCK, if that's what you think.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This had a lot of Imagery in it, I could actually see these things as I read it. This was very good.
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This had a lot of beautiful imagery, and i can feel the emotion that oozes from this piece as i read it. I absolutely adore. it. It is really beautiful. I was gonna put a favorite part, but I would end up copying and pasting pretty much the whole thing.
&& I hope all is well with you and your friend, or at least, I hope it gets that way soon.
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I love the imagery, the emotion, only thing I'd change if any, is the reference to the lab animal, or continue more with that theme. At fist, I saw the splash of colors on a white counter, but the counter didn't continue....Maybe, it was a personal reference that I won't get, but I did enjoy that view. So many wonderful lines in this, too many to point out
Excellent wording and imagery. Bravo!
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Beautiful. Now that I have read this I will never see painting the same way again almost. They way you express yourself in this is wonderful and complex.
I could be your world’s decoration; dripping new reformation
with an outer shell so masterfully refined
that when the Lady of Sorrow senses my presence,
she will never be able to look me in the eyes again.
The last two lines really have a heavy meaning and emotion. I think that this is amazing and I really hope you win the contest. Good luck.
~Maiden
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Splendid!
this is a such a great read! truly. your imagery (especially in the 1st two stanzas... beautiful)
you have a great tone in your writing and it makes for a truly beautiful poem.
thanks for sharing!
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This is a really beautiful poem
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honest. okay. I think I felt a bit rushed while reading this.
Breaks
or pauses
would be good here,
give the reader a chance to catch their breath and move forward.
I do love the way you've basically lain it all on the line and say look here...and so forth.
I have sensitivity with my eyes, and the bright pink was difficult to take seriously. All in all though-the message really carried this well.
I hope you can work things out with your friend, losing them this way is often so tragic, cause you just cannot undo what's been done. Some choose to not move past it. Wish you the best.
jin
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very good i loved it!!!
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Whoa!!! Word high!!!
Hello fellow poet,
I am impressed, without doubt. Speechless, even. I hear the struggle, the angst and the reform. I only ask one question before I proceed and it't utterly rhetorical: Is this YOU without the definition of someone else? I understand the angst, but change ONLY for your benefit.
"Toxicity’s scent replaces every particle of morning air;
splash only the most vibrant colors onto a suit of impassivity
and wait for acrylic substitutes of past radiance to sink
into the seams and surface of washed out skin."
Phew... Deep and intense. On L2, I think 'utmost' would work better than 'most' but it's at your discretion. The detail is amazing and the word 'impassivity' is used perfectly.
"Layers of paint reconstruct all the attributes of my body language,
tugging my eye sockets to their original direction,
guiding defeated hands into confining pockets
like an assaulted lab animal to its cage."
Geez man... This stanza hurts. I so understand... It really details what you feel and it speaks to the reader excellently.
" There is a different pigment leaking
from every single one of these mangled organs.
Each cell that works together to create my appearance
is a brand new canvas; impatient for a palette's attention."
Simply tasteful and graceful! 'Impatient for a palette's attention' is so genuinely pure and original.
"I could be your world’s decoration; dripping new reformation
with an outer shell so masterfully refined
that when the Lady of Sorrow senses my presence,
she will never be able to look me in the eyes again."
The first line is ah!!! So precise and calling and human and emotional.... I hope HE sees your effort and not your imperfection. The sorrow personification was brilliant and sad, but mentioned well.
"
We’ll retrace our steps until this burial never happened;
unlocking stale resplendence that got lost along the way,
letting it soak through each drying coat
until underneath, it settles
just enough
to let go."
This ending is painful, are YOU well enough to do it? I'm really worried... Maybe it's just me, but I sense an enormous amount of pain and woe.
All that said, I wish you the best in the contest, your recovery and be well,
Kristy
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This was absolutley lovely.
Symbollic and descriptive, it made me smile.
The tone is straight forward and the style is wonderful. A beautiful read!
Thanks you
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i feel you about the friend thing. hopefully your friendship will return to its normal balance. a friend and i went throug some similar shit and things are quite better than they were before.
like an assaulted lab animal to its cage. - could use some work i personally feel. it doesnt seem to fit.
however i myself am an acrylic artist and i agree with the painting imagry whole heartedly.
http://sky-fineart.deviantart.com/
if you ever wish to gander at some of my things
this is a great passage:
I could be your world’s decoration; dripping new reformation
with an outer shell so masterfully refined
as well as:
We’ll retrace our steps until this burial never happened;
unlocking stale resplendence that got lost along the way,
be careful to not get lost in being descriptive. keep in mind the flow of the poem and what would be appropriate.
take care and good luck!
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This piece very obviously came straight from you heart. It was very profound and telling in the way you described the pain you felt at that time and the pain you feel now.
Please keep up with your writing. It is truly profound and heartfelt and I thoroughly enjoyed every word.
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I've had something like that happen to me before. It's not a good thing to get involved with, is it? But still, one cannot help what happens in the end. Especially if we go by our emotions.
Good writing, and keep it up!
Vhoori
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