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Alice in Blunderland

When Alice was older she
found a book of poetry
And in it she found a poem
that reminded her of home.

Her home had been remanded
to a time long since abandoned
where she lived outside the glass
enjoying wealth and pomp and class.

She had lately taken residence
Not the first time, not a precedence,
with an old man, and a rabbit and a hat.

She paid the man a pittance
After finally saying riddance
to a strangely mean and oddly smiling cat.

She'd been inside this wonderland
for more years than she could bear
When was the last time she had a shower?
When the last she'd washed her hair?

When she found this book of poetry
It gave new vigor to her quest
She felt the home fire burning
Rekindled in her chest.

She had tried before to drink herself
back home to see her kin.
One bottle made her larger
One bottle made her thin.

But she had never tried to mix
them both together just to see.
"Perhaps this is the mixture that
will finally set me free."

So Alice found a flagon
and started mixing in the stuff
Kept adding drop by drop
until she thought she had enough.

Alice drank the pearly potion

And fell back upon the bed

She had left her wonderland behind

Sadly now, the girl is dead.

 

A contest entry

I'm interested in any feedback you can give.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • taylorndncar gold member
    November 17
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    Edit | Reply
    you start without rhyme, 2nd verse is a pair of couplets, then a couplet rhyme in the 3rd and again in the 4th; the 5th verse is a quatrain-rhyme and the same with the 6th, 7th, and 8th verses. and you finish the effort with rhyming-quatrains. this is a good idea and worth keeping, and it would be easier for you to make the whole poem in quatrain-rhyme. "Once you start a rhyming-scheme, you have to stick with it to the end." in this case, most of your effortr is set in four-line verses and it seems natural to you,...stick with it! it is a good poem


    • tjayrush gold member
      November 17
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Clarify for me. Do you think 'once you start a rhyming scheme you should stick with it' or do you think its ok to vary it?

      You're right - the rhyme scheme is all over the place, so the reader probably gets a little confused. I noticed this after I wrote it, but I didn't go back to change it. I don't really know if I like it that way or not.

      Just so I understand - do you think a rhyme scheme should not change 'ever' or do you think its sometimes OK?


  • VoltaicHypnosis
    October 25

    Edit | Reply


    I do like this piece! It is powerful and raw, a reflection of Alice in Wonderland spun into reality. Tradgic, too, at that. There is a simplicity to this that may strip you of thre gold, but it may be perfect for another trophy should I choose to add one or two. However, it is the simplicity in the rhymes cheme and the creation of atmosphere and scene that gives this a quaint charm. My only suggestion is to decorate the background.

  • RiddlesforRocks
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    pretty good i see depth in it.... the end was best.. you started off with a rhyme scheme and then broke off.... i think if you went back and got rid of the scheme you could rethink a bit and polish it up. I'm intrigued, i'd like to hear more about metaphors? are there any? but yeah good work

    • tjayrush gold member
      October 24
      Edit | Reply
      The rhyme scheme is weird - I admit - aabb aabb in the first two stanzas, aab ccb in the next two stanzas, followed by the rest of the stanzas af abcb. There's no real reason for it - I should have paid closer attention. Concerning metaphor - there are none, although several people have said there are. I should re-write it and try to add some in. Thanks for the feedback.

      • VoltaicHypnosis
        October 25
        Edit | Reply
        You do bring to surface an interesting point. I think, however, that the lack of metaphore that I read as simplicity gives this piece a sort of naivete that may work in her favour.


  • midnight51
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my this is quite a tale. I was enthralled from start to finish and I laughed! Haha skillfully written definitely. Is there a subtle undertone to the life of a stripper in this poem? I got this on my second time around and if so that makes it twice as good. Well done.
    Josh

    • tjayrush gold member
      October 24
      Edit | Reply
      No stripper - she seems to sleep around a bit though - Mad Hatter one week Cheshire Cat the next, but no - its just Alice. Thanks for your feedback.


  • WretchedLove
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    This was great. A very humorous (or not so) tale of a classic. I loved it.


  • venomoustoad
    October 24

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    Lewis Caroll is no doubt chuckleing in his grave. The ending gave me a much needed laugh. You may have saved a life today.(re: battling poets, Rockstarjohn76 and my self venomoustoad.) I really like this and if you don't mind I will add you to my favorites.

1 - 10 of 10